And take cheer. This is the 10th of 20 TOTAL E-MAILINGS THAT YOU DID NOT REQUEST regarding…
THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE
“The almanac that contains no weather information and, once placed on your shelf, will secretly replace all neighboring books with its own text.”
My name is John Hodgman, and I greet you with……
……The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE……
……The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE……
……Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER……
……Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital……
……Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater……
……That is all……
STAND BY FOR PART ONE
PART ONE: The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE
Those of you who were able to attend last week’s LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE have all of our gratitude, and as a reward may skip this part of the e-mailing entirely, for you will already know that…
DAVE PRAEGER IS THE WINNER.
This pertains to a contest held at the Lecture in which members of the audience were asked to SWIFTLY AND ACCURATELY describe in prose THE UNUSUAL FACIAL HAIR OF A LONG-DECEASED MAN… one Captain Thompson.
(Cpt. Thompson’s facial hair may be observed HERE )
DAVE PRAEGER won a free copy of the book THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE for his brief description “DOUBLE WANG.”
BUT… our congratulations also go to these runners-up:
1st: “Tickle Me Timbers”—unsigned.
2nd: “Lucifer’s Horns”—A. Morris.
3rd: “2/3rds of the Rabbit Consumed”—unsigned.
If anyone would like to claim credit for these unsigned or ambiguously-signed descriptions, I would be pleased to acknowledge you.
Please especially, mysterious “Third Runner Up,” I would like to hear from you, because your description is strange and awesome and very accurate.
No offense to Dave Praeger, whom I adore, but I have come to the conclusion that he is a foul-mouthed loon, whereas you, THIRD RUNNER UP, are a moustache poet.
STAND BY FOR PART TWO
PART TWO: The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE
As I have NOT LEFT MY HOME in several days, I do not know if TIME OUT NEW YORK has, as promised, published my letter correcting their error in their otherwise very kind and obviously drunken review of MY BOOK.
(Actual quote: “The book’s overall presentation gives Hodgman’s self-consciousness the feel of Nabokov’s PALE FIRE as directed by Wes Anderson. Glub glub glub. I am obviously drunk. Tee hee.”—Daniel Nester, Time Out NY, Oct 13-19). !!
So perhaps it is now common knowledge among TIME OUT NY readers that the missing word from the sentence they MISQUOTED from my book was:
The correctly quoted sentence, thus, is:
“Young, handsome CYBORG Army officer kills own family, blames hippies.” (emphasis mine)
Unfortunately, no one guessed this one correctly, and so this “FREE BOOK” goes unclaimed.
But I shall give it away, as outlined below.
STAND BY FOR PART THREE
PART THREE: Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER
Tomorrow night (MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 9:30PM) I have been invited to speak and endure questioning as part of…
BRO’IN OUT WITH LEO AND TONY
A live talk show hosted by LEO ALLEN, sidekicked by TONY CAMIN, and welcoming guests SHONALI BHOWMILK and DEMETRI MARTIN to
THE UCB THEATER, 307 West 26th Street, tickets are available
Please note that BEER AND WINE WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE at this event, but not books.
YOUR NEAREST BOOKSTORE, in case there is a book of FAKE TRIVIA you want to buy and have signed by DEMETRI MARTIN, for example, is the Barnes and Noble at Sixth Avenue and 22nd Street.
STAND BY FOR PART FOUR
PART FOUR: Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital
THIS TUESDAY, OCT 25, 2005, Jonathan Coulton and I will drive northward with ARTHUR BRADFORD to address the citizens of Albany.
We are welcomed to the capital region by William Kennedy’s NEW YORK STATE WRITERS INSTITUTE, Donald Faulkner, Director.
You may see Arthur Bradford’s sideburns HERE
The reading, which is open to the public, begins at 8PM.
STAND BY FOR PART FIVE
PART FIVE: Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater
THEN, ON WEDNESDAY, OCT 26 at 7PM, Coulton and I will return to Manhattan and the sales floor of BARNES & NOBLE at 6th Avenue and 22nd Street.
PLEASE NOTE: as this is the first ACTUAL BOOKSTORE APPEARANCE since the publication of the book, it would be lovely to see AN ENORMOUS NUMBER OF PEOPLE there.
Or at least: SOME PEOPLE.
Thus, as an incentive, THE FREE BOOK NOT GIVEN AWAY ABOVE will instead be given away to anyone who demonstrably BRING THEIR PARENTS to the reading, or alternately, THEIR FIVE SIBLINGS, or AN ENTIRE CLASS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS.
No cousins, though, Enough with the cousins.
PLEASE NOTE that Barnes and Noble does NOT sell alcohol anymore. If you want beer or wine, you will have to go to the nearby UCB THEATER—I will be happy to sign any alcohol you bring to the reading.
STAND BY FOR PART SIX
PART SIX: That is all.
This E-MAILING #10 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE represents the midpoint of all e-mails you shall receive on this subject.
As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.
If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “PLEASE END THIS MISERY” in your reply.
The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.
THAT IS ALL.