My name is John Hodgman, and with the click of a button I am PERSONALLY E-MAILING you this 17th of 20 total messages pertaining to…
THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE
featuring our new motto:
“Number 15 on the New York Times Extended Bestseller List in the Category of ‘ADVICE, HOW-TO, AND MISCELLANEOUS’ for the week ending December 11, 2005”
(It is absolutely true, though I cannot prove it.)
(Actually, now that I write it, that sentence is a better new motto.)
(But it is too late. We have already printed up the key-chains with the other new motto. And those key-chains are huge.)
HERE IS THE INFORMATION THAT YOU DID NOT REQUEST
1. THIS FRIDAY, DEC 16, in NEW YORK CITY, the One-Story Reading and Cocktail Hour shall be selling “Fortnight Martinis” at the special price of five dollars in the hope that that will make tolerable A LITERARY PRESENTATION BY HODGMAN AND COULTON.
2. THIS SHALL OCCUR at PIANOS, a bar in THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF NEW YORK CITY----158 Ludlow St. at Stanton St.
3. REASONABLY, drinking begins at 6:30PM, and reading begins thereafter at 7PM. THIS SHALL BE THE LAST PRESENTATION for the foreseeable future.
4. MEANWHILE, it has come to my attention that TWO UNFORTUNATE PEOPLE WERE OBLIGED TO DRAW CARICATURES OF ME on the internet.
5. The first is a cartoon of ME AS A HOBO.
6. The second is a cartoon of ME AS A HOBO, EATING A CAN OF BEANS.
7. NATURALLY THIS IS VERY FLATTERING, but that is only one reason why it is inappropriate. The other reason is: I AM NOT A HOBO. The hoboes I describe in my book lived during the Great Depression, and then left our planet during the forties, a point I explain at length in the pages of Seattle’s “The Stranger” (see link 6), and via podcast on Jawbone Radio episode 88 (see link 5).
8. STILL, I have not the heart to swear vengeance upon either the people of Seattle or the Internet, as they have both been very kind to me.
9. IN PARTICULAR, Len and Norah of Jawbone Radio, along with the APE-LAD and so many other talented artists, must be thanked for DRAWING HOBOES ON THE INTERNET now for several weeks, most of which do not resemble me,
10. APPARENTLY, there was some heated debate at Flickr that I barely understand about what constitutes a “PHOTO” vs. an “ILLUSTRATION OF A MADE-UP HOBO” that complicated “The Hobo Project” for a time.
11. But now, after some APPROPRIATE TIME IN WANDERING EXILE, this project has now finally found a home.
12. SO I DO NOT SWEAR VENGEANCE, but instead say: THANK YOU, Seattle; and THANK YOU, Internet; and THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU who made the new motto possible. Even holding this enormous keychain in my hand, I find it difficult to believe.
13. THIS is the 17th of 20 total e-mails that you will receive on the subject THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE before it all ends on Jan 2, 2006.
14. NEW YORKERS WHO RECEIVED THE “extra” electronic mailing of Oct 26 will receive ZERO MAILINGS from me next week. OTHERWISE, you will all suffer equally.
15. To subscribe to this e-mailing list, merely write to HODGMAN@littlegraybooks.com. To “UNSUBSCRIBE” from this mailing list, write to the same address and say “NO MORE HOBOES.”
16. DO NOTHING, if you wish to keep everything the same forever, for then you are a person after my own heart.
17. THAT IS ALL