My name is John Hodgman.
I can’t believe how the time has flown, but I just took a look up old man calendar’s robes this morning and guess what?—it’s time for THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY LETTER
(aka electronic mailing number 18 or 20 such mailings pertaining to THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE)
1. ALL IS WELL, and, more importantly NOT A CREATURE IS STIRRING in my Upper West Side Observatory.
2. AFTER LAST YEAR’S FIASCO WITH THE TREE (let’s just say I won’t be reading aloud from the Necronomicon around the tree THIS year), we decided to go with something a little more modest in size, a little less likely to come to life and terrorize us for three days. WHEW!
3. NOW I AM ABLE AT LAST TO RELAX and enjoy the best of my rare collection of SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE XMAS SONGS.
4. (THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM, more than you might think… from the relatively innocent “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” to the plain diamond-lust of “Santa Baby,” to the transparently pornographic “Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney” and “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”)
5. BUT THEY SHARE A COMMON MESSAGE, one that I now share with you, and that message is MERRY SEXY XMAS.
6. IT HAS ALSO BEEN A FINE YEAR for our little darling, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE).
7. BETWEEN AN AWESOME SOCCER SEASON and a show-stopping turn in the annual school pageant as ‘THE DRUNKEN GAP-TOOTHED FIFER,’ our little book has not ceased to amaze its proud father with its DELIGHTFUL CHARM, PRECOCIOUS WISDOM, AND MANY FAKE FACTS.
8. I KNOW I’VE BEEN GOING OVERBOARD WITH THE PICTURES LATELY, but I cannot resist sharing this corker of a shot: LITTLE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, wearing red corduroys, a chunky sweater with reindeers on it, and the happiest dust jacket you ever did see!
9. (IF YOU CAN’T SEE THE PHOTO, it may be time to “GET WITH IT” and finally upgrade to AOL version 1000! THE EASIEST JUST GOT EASIER! Did you hear that DARIN STRAUSS?!)
10. WHY, it seems just yesterday I was holding that little proposal in my hands, and then accidentally dropping it into A CAULDRON OF MAGIC POTION. OK, OK. Enough with the waterworks.
11. IF YOU HAVE BEEN WONDERING “Why do we kiss under the mistletoe?” or “How do you pronounce POINSETTIA?” or “Where did the first Christmas tree come from?”…
12. OR IN CASE YOU SIMPLY WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR RADIO IS STILL WORKING, try tuning in the
THIS AMERICAN LIFE “HOLIDAY SPECTACTULAR”--which airs this weekend, where you will hear me answering those questions and more.
13. AND WHAT’S MORE, you shall hear the voices of VOWELL, RAKOFF, SEDARIS, GOLDSTEIN, and HEATHER O’NEILL.
14. FIND YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS here: thislife.org .
15. AND WHILE YOU ARE USING THE INTERNET, won’t you consider making a holiday donation to this fine organization, which is dedicated to the redistribution of sandwiches and the aiding of the hungry?: CITY HARVEST END OF SINCERITY
16. NOW AS I TYPE THIS I have just received word that I am required in Brooklyn to HUNT THE BONES OF ALISTAIR COOKE, and so I must now sign off.
17. TO ALL MY FRIENDS and e-mail recipients, I assure you that SOON THESE GHOSTS WILL STOP VISITING YOU.
18. FOR NOW, I send my thanks and best wishes. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL, and to all…
19. THAT IS ALL.