Monday, June 18, 2007

I AM ON JURY DUTY TODAY

HOWEVER, the city of NY provides wireless to public servants.

SO FAR, I have not been sequestered, and so I trust it is not illegal to pass along these OBSERVATIONS

1) They are still showing the "trial by ordeal film" they were showing 5 years ago, including the MOCK WITCH EXECUTION.

2) The floors are very shiny.

3) I am already hungry.

Meanwhile, I hope very much you will go support MCSWEENEY'S.

Double meanwhile, if anyone lives near Montana, perhaps you can verify this curious electronic mail I received and APOLOGIZE on my behalf, for as some of your have already learned the hard way, I REGRET I DO NOT CREATE HOBO NICKNAMES ON COMMISSION.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

My coworkers and I at the Bozeman dairy queen have developed a hopeless addiction to your audio book it started 3 months ago when we first used it to quench the griping boredom of working at a summer Ice cream place in the cold parts of winter. We now listen to it on almost every shift. (It sounds weird but true). We are most taken with the 700 hobo names in all we have listed to it at lest 20 times strait throw, Many times back to back. Well all this long explanation has lead up to the question
Can you create 3 hobo names for me and my 2 coworkers?
If yes please tell us the information you will need to craft these names.


Sincerely
Steven Babbitt

END QUOTED TEXT

If you go there and meet Steven, please have a Blizzard on me. Send me the receipt care of the PO Box in my book--be sure to have Steven sign it--and I will reimburse you.

THAT IS ALL, FOR NOW

I hope they do not ask me to drown a witch.

6 comments:

Glenn said...

Rest assured, nearly all civilized states burn witches these day. (Partly since drowning only worked as a test, and they had to take time dry out the guilty ones that simply wouldn't drown.) In certain progressive states, stoning the witch is allowed.

Maybe if the Dairy Court were to ask nicely (and paid the proper tithe), Ape Lad could draw them some hoboes.

Patrick M~ said...

I saw that film! Doesn't the late Ed Bradley step out from behind a tree at a key witch-drowning moment?

Maybe "chronic lymphocytic leukemia" is a code word for "turned invisible and traveled back in time to help Samuel Sewall with The Selling of Joseph".

Also: I saw Goodie Couric with the Devil.

Sean said...

The orientation film is called "Your Turn" and is available online here.

marissa said...

Hello monsieur Hodgman.

I fully intend to take you up on your offer, as my brother lives in Bozeman and I JUST HAPPEN to be flying out (from New Hampshire) to visit him on FRIDAY. If any hobo names for those three folks happen to come to you prior to Friday, feel free to email them to me and I will gladly pass them along with appropriate fanfare (if needed).

Yours in hobo-admiration,

Marissa Dupont

Ian Thal said...

Had it not been for Ed Bradley's narration I would have mistaken the witch drowning segment for the opener of a Doctor Who episode-- one of those pseudo-historicals where some alien or time traveller gets involved threatens to erase our trial-by-jury system from the time-line!

Lhyzz said...

"I regret I do not create hobo nicknames on commission."

Let me put your mind at ease, Hodgman; I don't believe Steven was offering a commission. He wanted it for free.

That's totally different.