Thursday, July 06, 2006

Pod People: Another Age Old Question

IN A PREVIOUS COMMENTS THREAD,

bec_87rb asked...

"Oh. What about the age old question, 'How do I check my spouse to see if he/she has been replaced by an alien pod creature?' I mean, I know what the movies tell us about this, but if Mr. Hodgman has the actual real-life answers, we need those urgently. Also, has he personally tested this technique on Mrs. Hodgman?
"Thanks,
"Looking Under the Bed for Pods"
(4:37 PM)

WHAT DOES JOHN HODGMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS...

As you know, the invasion is on and there's no point denying it. If someone at work has been acting strangely lately (ie, keeping conversations brief and polite; avoiding eye contact; asking you to 'please go away'), chances are he/she has already been replaced by a pod person, and you should watch them carefully, and angrily, whenever they cannot see you.

But if it's a loved one, the situation can be more complex. Many do not wish to admit that their spouse is a pod person. That is why I recommend creating a pre-nuptial questionnaire--a list of very personal questions that only your true spouse knows the answer to. You can imagine the sort:

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Where do you keep your toothbrush?
Why do you keep it there and not put it in the safe like I suggested?
Don't you think our personal items should be protected by a fireproof safe?

That sort of thing.

I'd recommend that the questionnaire include about 1,000 of these questions. Then simply go through the questions each morning and, for added security, over cocktails at night as well. Make a game of it.

Of course, if your spouse was already a pod person when you got married, you are out of luck. Enjoy your new lifestyle of subservience to alien whims and unsecure toothbrushes.

Also, the pod people disintegrate when doused with kerosene or grain alcohol. Try it!*

That is all.

JH

*No. Do not douse anyone with kerosene or grain alcohol.

12 comments:

Neil said...

Mr. Hodgman,
I got myself one of those Stepford Wives. Do I still need to concern myself with her being replaced by a pod person?

Gluehead said...

I doused Donald Sutherland with grain alcohol because he was one of the original body snatching pod people when the invasion first began, and he just looked at me said 'I beat Keifer, don't mean I won't beat you.'

Erica said...

I've been curious about the age old question of what to do when the zombies take over. Will grain alcohol work on them as well? A few friends and I have discussed the possibility of using a Walmart/Sam's Club warehouse as a hideout - it would provide shelter, food, guns, and ammo, and we could keep lookout from the roof.
Any other suggestions?

Shrubs said...

Yet again the great Hodge reveals more of his knowledge of...

All world knowledge!

Annje said...

I find it funny in a sad sorta way that in today's day and age you need a disclaimer to tell people to NOT douse others with kerosene or grain alcohol..LOL.

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bec_87rb said...

Mr. Hodgman,

Thank you.

*sigh* Time to go think up a list of questions of unfathomable length to put to Mr. 87rb. I doubt he will sit still for it, as I am pretty sure given his toothbrush and other odd personal habits, he is a strange visitor from another world already. I suspect I am too late.

However, I am glad to know there are easily-available solvents in case I decide I want to remove my pod person.

Upon further reflection, you have suspiciously refrained from supplying vital chemical data such as moles of alcohol per unit body weight of pod spouse, so that one might effectively remove the entire pod spouse in one fell swoop.

*eye shift nervously*

I also now suspect that you are a pod person youself, being oddly endowed with such a wide range of esoteric knowledge, making all your advice a possible ruse.

Ah, wheels within wheels.

To be completely sure, I am going to start from first principles, and test your information - I am off to douse myself in the substances you recommend. This eliminates the possibility that I am a pod person, and to confirm that the solvent is effective, I plan to randomly douse my proported "fellow man" until I find someone who does dissolve.

Since you know everything, where does one get a 55 gal. drum of grain alcohol in a way that doesn't perturb the terrestrial authorities?

darkflamestudios said...

I firmly feel that you need to go to http://www.nexopia.com and sign up for an account, and then join us in the Politics and Debate forum. Your guidance and opinion is desperately needed, because a once intense and useful debate is seemingly unfocused, and so many are apathetic to the important causes in the world. Just do it, John.

Reincarnate Fred said...

Wait... how do we know that you're not a pod person?

Jeff_Mills said...

You are smarter than my mom.

bec_87rb said...

reincarnate Fred said...
Wait... how do we know that you're not a pod person?


I submit that we are in a quandry, one I had inadequately thought-through before posing the question to Our Expert. You have pointed out the core of the problem. Damn you. And thank you, of course.

A. How do we know Mr. Hodgman is not a pod person?

B. How do we know Mrs. 87rb is not a pod person?

C. How do we know reincarnate Fred is not a pod person?

D. How does anyone know that they themselves are not pod persons?

Logically, everyone should, at one point this evening, should douse themselves with fluids, per The Expert's instructions*

If all us remain undissolved tomorrow, the 27th, either They have fled, upon being discovered, and no one among us is a pod person, or Mr. Hodgman has led us astray about the efficacy of these fluids, and we should default to watching him angrily and suspiciously when he is not watching us.

I suggest polarized sunglasses. They hide the eyes and filter out his possible use of coherent light to trick us about his actual appearance.

*No, don't do that; it's dangerous.

Bigg Sam said...

mmm, what can i say? let ur mind be logically open.