Wednesday, April 25, 2007

"TWO WORDS: NUDIE PICS"


...OR THUS SPAKE "PUNKIN" in response to my request for how to finally close my MYSPACE account.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS, ranging from the ingenious to the plain wily, INCLUDED:

--BEING MEAN TO TOM (Annje).
A fine idea, but surely there is nothing I can say to TOM that he hasn't already heard a 1000 times more meanly, and in 1337 no less?

--POSTING EXCERPTS OF MY OWN BOOK on my myspace and then complaining about copyright infringement (Chris).
Also very clever, but unfortunately this would not constitute "copyright infringement" but instead would merely cause the universe to collapse upon itself.

--POSTING A DAILY SHOW VIDEO on my myspace page and waiting for Viacom to sue me (hobogirl).
As much as I love a lawsuit, hobogirl's plan has one fatal flaw: judging from youtube, NO SUCH VIDEOS EXIST!

--SPAMMING PEOPLE (meredith).
Sorry. Already taken care of.

--NUDIE PICS (punkin)
While this would certainly handle the problem ably, I really could not bring myself to do this. The worst I think I could do would be to post obscure sexual euphemisms. Such as "handling the roblem ably." RIBALD!

--I SHOULD BECOME SOMEONE ELSE (ct pope).
No good. Frankly, I am barely the person I am.

--EVERYONE ELSE FLAGGING MY PICTURE AS INAPPROPRIATE (cpt joy)
Captain Joy tried this, and myspace offered to report me as a sex offender. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS.

--AND FINALLY, this recipe from gg:

"I turned the background and text the same bright color red (#FF0000), renamed it "FUCK", added 10 blog entries of Misfits lyrics ("I got something to say / I killed your baby today / And it doesn't matter much to me / As long as its dead") and embedded every stolen clip from FOX networks I could find. For a user avatar, I went to 4chan - /b/, of course - and asked nicely for the worst picture that wonderful community could provide."

GG REPORTS that his/her site was removed within an hour.

BEFORE I UNDERTAKE THIS COURSE OF ACTION, HOWEVER, I suppose I will first resort to the measure which is more in tune with my own timid heart:

THE STRONGLY WORDED LETTER.

I shall keep you posted of my progress as I go forward, with the caveat that

a) MY PROGRESS SHALL BE SLOW

because

b) I DO NOT REALLY CARE ALL THAT MUCH.

Thank you for your help, and

THAT IS ALL

11 comments:

Artemis Grey said...

I cannot tell you how eagerly I await these strongly worded letters to surface. Unfortunately, I do believe the strongly worded letter has lost some of it's puissance in the modern world in which we live. It has been replaced by the infinitely more frightening lawsuit.

boanerges said...

I blocked their banner ads using code to get my account deleted. Unfortunately they haven't deleted it yet. I may have to send a taunting message to Tom.

Annje said...

Just for the record. What I meant by a "nasty gram" was exactly what you are going to do. A "Strongly Worded" letter possibly with some "inappropriate language" such as F-Bombs and such. Hope you are able to delete your Myspace account before the sun expands and envelops the Earth in it's fiery rays. You only have to wait a few million years or so.

Cheers.

AJ

RSkimmons said...

Hey John, you know that if you go to the account settings button, there is a cancel account option. Assuming you do know this, go for the Misfits lyrics instead.

Tom Burchfield said...

The answer to your problem, is posed in the question that headlines this page:

"Does John Hodgman exist?"

The answer to which should be simply: "No, he does not." Once this this answer is given and said answer is proved, I predict YouTube will rip down your site immediately with its bare claws, because it will not be able to sustain the absurd proposition that John Hodgman exists, once it is proven he does not.

Now: how do we prove this proposition that John Hodgman does not exist? Unfortunately, I can only take up this brow-crushing question at a later date, because I must depart for the beautiful city of San Francisco (which does exist) from my digs in Emeryville (which should NOT exist).

More later,

Thomas Burchfield
(Factotum to Hugh Lafferty)

Oliviarse said...

You could put links to "tubgirl" everywhere.
I saw it three years ago, and I am still shuddering.

Annie said...

Why don't you try the angry parent route?

Francie the "wise" said...

If you are unwilling to post naked pictures of yourself, haven't you a friend with a voyeuristic side (or front, as the case may be -- I think front would be more effective) who would be willing to donate some photographs to the cause?

Francie the "wise" said...

Post scriptum -- Voyeuristic is entirely the wrong word there, isn't it? I should have said "exhibitionist."

Second said...

I just successfully deleted my myspace account.

They have cleverly hidden instructions on how to do so here.

Rachana said...
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