CHARM CITY

Painting Class II.
Originally uploaded by Annie Matronic.

AS YOU KNOW, Monday begins our self-driven, southward tour of the Mid-Atlantic.

ALONG THE WAY, Coulton and I will be joined by David Rees all the way to North Carolina.

FIRST STOP: BALTIMORE, specifically:

THE FIFTH FLOOR MULTIPURPOSE ROOM in the Student Center of the University of Baltimore.

I CANNOT TELL YOU how long I have waited to play this legendary venue.

THE FIFTH FLOOR MULTIPURPOSE ROOM, MA! I MADE IT!

IN SERIOUS TONES, we love the Charm City, and our event at UBALT was one of our very favorites, and so we yearn again to see you there, at 7PM, for free.

MORE TOUR INFORMATION and photographs will follow. This one comes courtesy of Charm Citizen Annie, who has a secret message.

That is all.

PHOTO FUN QUIZ

Leaving a tip
Originally uploaded by Kodamakitty.

Look at this picture.

NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES.

Without peeking, answer this question:

WHICH IS OLDER? THE KETCHUP "AUX TOMATES" or SHOPSY'S?

????????????

A: It is impossible to say, because your eyes are closed, and so you never read the question.

Thank you Kodamakitty.

THAT IS ALL.

AND AFTER THAT, THE TEEN MYSTERY SOLVING CLUB WERE NEVER SEEN AGAIN

Anna, Brian, Bethany and Rence in classroom
Originally uploaded by penelopejonze.

NOT ONLY did Penelope Jonze discover strange markings in the abandoned school, but she also apparently deployed the club on an expedition to an abandoned amusement park.

WHICH, AS YOU KNOW, is for me, the VERY SCARIEST THING EVER.

(Click on the photo IF YOU DARE for further evidence).

GOOD LUCK TEEN MYSTERY SOLVING CLUB, wherever you are...

That is all.

MAXIMUM FUN

IF YOU HAVE NOT already subscribed to the radio/pod program THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA, it is not too late to miss the conversation between me, COULTON, and Jesse Thorn on the subject of COULTON'S BETRAYAL OF ME AND MY CATS.

YOU SHOULD ALSO follow Jesse's advice and subscribe to those Kaspar Hauser fellows. Their PHONE CALL TO THE 14th CENTURY is brilliant, and what's more, THEY ARE NOT ACTUALLY FERAL CHILDREN.

Jesse is also a member of PRANK THE DEAN, who come to the Fake Gallery on Melrose TONIGHT (tuesday Oct 17) at 9PM, hosted by Chris Hardwick.

According to the one-sheet, reservations ARE URGED: 323-661-0786

AND I AGREE

That is all.

WINTER HAT AND BRANDY

for cold weather.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

COULTON and I will be resting quietly in our respective homes for a spell...

AND THEN NEXT WEEK, we shall travel south by car, with DAVID REES for a reprise of our well attended MID-ATLANTIC TOUR, including

The University of BALTIMORE (Oct 23)
The Warehouse Theater of THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA (Oct 24)
Chop Suey books of RICHMOND, VA (Oct 25)
The Bull's Head Bookshop of CHAPEL HILL (Oct 26)
DURHAM'S own Regulator (Oct 27--NO COULTON DUE TO HIS BETRAYAL)

thereafter REES will return home and COULTON and I will soldier on...

TO OXFORD, MS and Square Books (Oct 28. Yes, THAT IS THE EVENING OF THE AUBURN GAME so we desperately require some anti-footballites to come visit us!)

and

TO AUSTIN, TX and Book People (Oct 30. Will there be football? ONLY TIME AND DREADFUL FATE WILL TELL).

Meanwhile, stay tuned for more of the SLY WIT SO LOVED BY CANADIANS.

And thank you. Thank you.

THAT IS ALL.

(cpt. Joy again gets credit for the photo)

HELLO, CANADIANS

I hope this is sly enough for you.

I am sorry COULTON and I are not coming to your country to promote my book. I hope you will keep buying it with your government book allowance money, however.

That is all.

ALAS FOR JOY

TEARS OF THE HOBO KILLER.jpg
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

ALAS, Cpt. Joy, who submitted this incredible image of anti-joy, but...

WE CANNOT ATTEND THE SHANTY SINGING CONTEST in Oakland after the reading tonight.

IT IS TOO FAR AWAY, I fear, from our home location of

CODY'S (not in Berkeley, but in San Francisco)

TONIGHT at 7pm

ALAS! ALAS! For as you know, I love a shanty.

BUT IT CANNOT BE HELPED.

That is all.

SEATTLE

Hobo Stiletto Graffito (detail)
Originally uploaded by merlinmann.

PLEASE FORGIVE my tardiness.

COULTON and I will be at Elliott Bay Books in one and one half hours (7:30PM).

COULTON will be leaving early to make his own show at the JEWELBOX theater at the RENDEZVOUS.

RENDEZVOUS with either of us at either location or both.

Thank you MERLIN for the stiletto.

THAT IS ALL.

HOBO BROWNIES

DSCN1992
Originally uploaded by heyjupiter.

Courtesy "HEYJUPITER" on Flickr.

AS IS TRADITIONAL, they are made with hallucinogenic wood alcohol.

TONIGHT, OF COURSE, Coulton and I will be appearing at BOOK SOUP on the Sunset Strip.

THIS WILL OCCUR at 7PM, free of charge.

THEN COULTON WILL ONCE AGAIN ABANDON ME and go to his own gig at The Temple Bar in Santa Monica.

THIS WILL OCCUR at 9:45PM.

That is all.

33 SECRET! SECRET! OK!

h in sunrays @ 33
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

THANK YOU, A-Lad, for following the instructions the internet gave you and finally capturing an image of the fabled and very very SECRET Club 33.

SOMEDAY I wish to go.

BUT TONIGHT I shall enjoy another dream, to stand on the stage of the Fitzgerald Theater along with COULTON and Mr. NEAL POLLACK at 8PM, courtesy MPR.

TICKETS may be purchased.

THANK YOU, meanwhile, Philadelphia and Amy Sedaris and David Rees for a perfect evening.

That is all.

LARGE PRINT LITERARY CRITICISM

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by NoodleGuy1.

LAST NIGHT we read in the LARGE PRINT/LITERARY CRITICISM section of the Harry Schwartz bookstore, in Milwaukee's BAYVIEW district.

AS YOU CAN SEE, it turned my hand invisible.

TONIGHT, we visit the BORDERS of Ann Arbor, MI, which as you know is BORDERS NUMBER ONE, the very first Borders store, first discovered by 1824 by Elisha Rumsey, though experts suggest it hewn from a single, massive boulder many centuries ago, probably by giants.

Here are the details you may require.

TOMORROW NIGHT: we join AMY SEDARIS and DAVID REES in Philadelphia for the 215.

THANK YOU, meanwhile, NoodleGuy1 (as the first NoodleGuy, he is also hewn from a single massive boulder), for the photo.

THAT IS ALL

MALORT

I HAD MANY INQUIRIES regarding the strange, Chicago-native quaff that unhinged our presentation last night at the excellent SECOND CITY ETC stage.

It is MALORT, and it is not made up.

(As the great Martin D and Doc Cocktail have verified).

I first discovered this bitter/herbal/murderous alcoholic potion years ago at a LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE on the subject of the fictional city of Chicago.

It was PLEASANT to be re-acquainted with it last night, especially in front of such a fine audience, until it became UNPLEASANT.

But the audience and fine people of the 2nd City STAYED PLEASANT THROUGHOUT, and for their adventurous spirit and friendly nature, I AM GRATEFUL.

(Special thanks to smarty-pants Joceylyn and Chicagoist for the Malort-ology link).

Milwaukee is glorious bright and blue today. The lager rivers are really shining in the sunlight. I look forward to seeing the Milwaukee-ans at Harry Schwartz's, 7PM, in Bayview.

To the rest of you: THAT IS ALL.

THANK YOU CHICAGO, AND FAREWELL

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by PhineasX.

Now we fly (FLY!) to Milwaukee....

Tuesday, October 3
MILWAUKEE, WI
Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop (Bay View)
2262 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.
(414) 481-3401
7:00 p.m.

Thank you, Phineas.

THAT IS ALL.

MONDAY NIGHT: SECOND CITY

Thank you, Tom Deja, for this...

WHAT IS THIS STRANGE IMPLEMENT?

09-27-06_2012
Originally uploaded by disco.sleeze.

I AM MYSTIFIED by this green dial. Can anyone, perhaps its original documentor, explain it to me?

MEANWHILE, IF YOU ARE ANYWHERE NEAR CHICAGO, allow me to remind that COULTON and I will make a rare DAYLIGHT appearance today at 2PM at

BORDERS #101

which is located at 2817 North Clark Street, in LINCOLN PARK

which they say is part of CHICAGO.

That is all.

DOUBLE COULTON AT THE AIRPORT

HERE IS THE SHOCKING TRUTH about Jonathan Coulton's ability to write a thing a week:

TWO HEADS

TWO BEARDS

TWO IDENTICAL COULTONS

with a mysterious triangle hanging between them.

Here they are at LaGuardia airport as we prepare to fly to Chicago for the 2 shows.

(2PM at Borders on Sunday; 7PM at 2nd City on Monday: BOTH FREE)

THAT IS ALL

CASUAL FRIDAYS

hshirt
Originally uploaded by The Doifter.

Here is an ASTONISHINGLY UNRETOUCHED PHOTO of a shirt which, according to its creator, was made with her own two hands, and a THIRD, SEWING-MACHINE-SHAPED HAND.

I have examined this garment and may verify IT IS TOTALLY AUTHENTIC.

IT WAS A SUPER-PRIVILEGE AND GREAT THRILL to bother Neil Gaiman on stage last night at the Fashion Institute of Technology.

AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: yes, those armchairs were as comfortable as they looked.

I FELT ESPECIALLY GUILTY because most people in life do not get to ask Neil questions while sitting in a comfortable leather armchair, unless they do so at home, via his journal. Where as of this writing he offers this news: he is flying to Washington DC today, and you may now buy his new book FRAGILE THINGS.

I think you know what to do next.

THAT IS ALL.

SPOTTED IN BROOKLINE, MA

Hobo sign
Originally uploaded by spi516.

MANY, MANY thanks to everyone who visited with us in my hometown of Brookline, MA.

I WAS GOING TO ASK if anyone happened to photograph the secret message spotted at the Brookline Booksmith, as I had forgotten to.

BUT LO, the internet and spi516 had already answered.

TONIGHT: Gaiman.

THE FUTURE: Chicago, city of THE FUTURE.

That is all.

THIS EVENING: BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS

Take One
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd.

THIS EVENING, Coulton and I will be visiting Brookline, Massachusetts, a non-fictional town where I grew up.

THIS WILL OCCUR at 7PM, at Brookline Booksmith, a fine book smithy where they not only offer books made of wrought iron, forged on anvils, but paper editions as well.

Brookline Booksmith
279 Harvard Street
Brookline, MA 02446
617-566-6660

IT IS FREE.

Meanwhile, THE ACCOMPANYING IMAGE is offered by Mr. Bikferd, who steadfastly refuses to adhere to the NO DIGITIAL MANIPULATION STIPULATION of the h-in-sunrays pool, and yet I have to forgive him, for once again he has peered directly into my brain and produced from it uncannily an image I never dared hope I would see.

THIS PROCESS, I am happy to report, WAS PAINLESS.

Tomorrow I will cease to reward the guilty and return to featuring, GRATEFULLY, analog world images from AROUND THE WORLD.

Until then: that is all.

THE ANSWER, JUNIPER, IS 1,000 COPIES

But the 1,000 you have already purchased will suffice.

HERE IS THE MYSTERY IMAGE. It is a picture of a robot Mark Twain talking to a robot Benjamin Franklin.

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, the actual corpses of Twain and Franklin were not made into robots for this popular exhibit in Florida.

WHICH IS TO SAY rumors of the robotic reanimation of Twain's corpse have been highly exaggerated.

That is all.

See you tonight. And/or tomorrow night in Brookline.