Greetings, people who post on blogs updated with embarrassing infrequency.

Greetings, people who post on blogs updated with embarrassing infrequency.

To answer the question of R. Lord, we have no current plans to visit Texas, though perhaps when the paperback comes out this fall.

To answer the question of PBJar, Coulton and I and also David Rees will be appearing at Tisdale and Mirman's very fine show "Invite Them Up!"

Unless I have misremembered something, or there has been a sudden change of plans, this will happen at 8:30PM, on March 1, at:
RiFiFi (Cinema Classics)
332 E. 11th Street (BTW 1st & 2nd Ave.), NYC
Doors @ 8:30 PM, $5
- This show is 21+

Even if there has been a sudden change of plan, you will still enjoy this show, so by all means: ATTEND.

Finally, I am my own unpaid intern, and require no further help at this time. Though I thank you, as always.

THAT IS ALL.

Now I will actually post this message.

This evening at THE TATTERED COVER

Greetings.

This is John Hodgman writing.

I regret very much that we could not be in Milwaukee last night as we had planned.

As noted, it was recommended that we not attempt to fly into this fine city due to heavy snow and giant, marauding eagles.

Yet we wish to return, and soon, to make it up to the people of Wisconsin.

Meanwhile, tonight we shall be at the Tattered Cover in Denver, CO, a very cold city that also has snow, but where the giant eagle problem is not as severe.

If you know any Coloradans who may be interested in this information, I'd be delighted to shake their hands.

FRIDAY, FEB 17 at
THE TATTERED COVER (CHERRY CREEK)
2955 East First Avenue at Milwaukee Street in Cherry Creek North, directly across the street from the Cherry Creek Mall.
Denver, CO
303-322-7727
7:30PM
FREE OF CHARGE

That is all.

The American West, MINUS MILWAUKEE

I am very sad to report that, due to inclement weather, our appearance at Schwartz Books in Milwaukee has been canceled for tonight.

If you were planning to brave the sleet and ice and snow and raining snakes of fire, I would advise you to stay home beneath your snake-proof roof. I hope we will be able to reschedule soon.

Meanwhile, please visit this fine establishment, if only virtually, as they are very kind.

We now fly on to Denver.

That is all.

BOOK SOUP TONIGHT and CURLING

I am asked to remind you fine people of two things.

1. HODGMAN and COULTON, that old duo of Broadway, will be appearing this evening, Feb 13, at Book Soup in Los Anegeles.

This will occur at 7PM Pacific Time
8818 Sunset Blvd.
W. Hollywood CA 90069
Store Hours (West Hollywood)

The subject will be: HOBOES

2. COULTON has written about the great winter sport of CURLING

That is all.

THE AMERICAN WEST, PLUS MILWAUKEE

Good evening.

This is John Hodgman writing with information pertaining to...

A FORTHCOMING MINI-TOUR OF THE AMERICAN WEST, PLUS MILWAUKEE, IN SUPPORT OF "THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE," a book of fake trivia.

AS PREVIOUSLY NOTED, John Hodgman and JONATHAN COULTON will be visiting 5 American cities in the coming week and a half. In chronological order, they are:

1. CORTE MADERA, CA: Thanks to their surprising kindness, especially in light of what I said about them here, the BAY AREANS are welcoming us back on...

FRIDAY, FEB 10, to
BOOK PASSAGE
51 Tamal Vista Blvd.
Corte Madera, CA 94925
(415) 927-0960
7PM
FREE OF CHARGE

2. LOS ANGELES, CA: In the first of two Los Angeles appearances, we shall join our friend from the mid-Atlantean mini tour MR. DAVID REES for a fascinating evening of expertise in conjunction with McSweeney's and 826LA entitled THE WORLD EXPLAINED. Not only will Mr. Rees be presenting his unstoppable overhead projections, but also we will join the estimable...

MIKE COLTON (spelled without a "U")
ELI HOROWITZ (also without a "U")
The staff of "YETI RESEARCHER," a periodical
JON BRION, presenting music
and our host
PATTON OSWALT

This will all occur on...

SATURDAY, FEB 11 at
The Roy and Edna Disney/CalArts Theater
aka: R.E.D.C.A.T.!
631 West 2nd Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012
213-237-2800
8:30 PM
10 dollars, discounts for CalArts students, alumni, faculty, and staff

FOR TICKETS, SEE HERE.

3. LOS ANGELES, CA: In this second appearance, Jonathan Coulton and John Hodgman shall discuss "hoboes" with the patrons of a famous independent bookstore on...

MONDAY, FEB 13 at
BOOK SOUP
8818 Sunset Blvd.
W. Hollywood CA 90069
310-659-311
7PM
FREE OF CHARGE

4. PORTLAND, OR: Coulton and Hodgman shall travel north to Portland (nickname, "THE PORTLAND, MAINE OF OREGON; EXCEPT THAT INSTEAD OF LOBSTERS, THERE ARE BEAVERS") on...

WEDNESDAY, Feb 15 at
POWELL'S CITY OF BOOKS (BURNSIDE)
1005 W Burnside
Portland, OR 97209
7:30PM
FREE OF CHARGE

5. MILWAUKEE, WI: we shall discuss either hoboes or lobsters in Milwaukee's notorious "BAY VIEW" district on...

THURSDAY, FEB 16 at
HARRY W. SCHWARTZ BOOKSHOP (BAY VIEW)
2262 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.
Milwaukee, WI 53207
(KK at Lincoln) (nb: SOME KIND OF CODE?!)
414-481-3401
7PM
FREE OF CHARGE

6. DENVER, CO: from Milwaukee State to Milwaukee Street (where it intersects with East First Avenue), we shall travel south and upwards to Colorado on...

FRIDAY, FEB 17 at
THE TATTERED COVER (CHERRY CREEK)
2955 East First Avenue at Milwaukee Street in Cherry Creek North, directly across the street from the Cherry Creek Mall.
Denver, CO
303-322-7727
7:30PM
FREE OF CHARGE

THEREAFTER: a small amount of rest.

If you do not wish to receive this or future electronic mailings, please reply and include the words "stop it" in the subject line."

If this has been forwarded to you, or you are reading it on the internet, and wish to receive such mailings in the future, as well as information about THE LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURES and other subjects, please simply write hodgman@littlegraybooks.com and include the words "MORE INFORMATION THAN I REQUIRE" in the subject line.

Until then, all I can say is thank you, and...

THAT IS ALL.

H in Sunrays

haiku
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd.

Mr Bikferd found the hidden H.

For the meaning of the H in sunrays, see page 123.

This is a completely unplanned synchronicity with They Might Be Giants, whom I admire beyond words, and who, by the way, just released their latest podcast.

Since first seeing this image myself this past fall, I have been waiting and hoping someone else would notice it.

Mr. Bikferd may name his "prize."

Others will be glad to find the h themselves.

You may also subscribe to read this blog remotely

Apparently, these links help...

RSS
XML

"Good Evening" No. 20 of 20--THAT IS ALL

This is John Hodgman, writing the final electronic mail regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE.

I am grateful for your kind indulgence, for expressing your good wishes, and keeping your curses quiet.

In a symbolic but necessary new year's clearing of the decks, I am deleting this e-mailing list.

If you would like to continue to receive infrequent mailings from me featuring information on...

- THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, in all its formats (PAPERBACK! AUDIO! THEMED CRUISES! ONLY TWO OF THESE ARE TRUE!);

- THE LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURES , which soon shall resume;

-The trip Coulton and I will be taking in February to visit the bookstores of San Francisco, Los Angeles, Portland, Milwaukee, and Denver (IN THAT ORDER!); and/or

-OTHER INFORMATION

Then please write me at this address (hodgman@littlegraybooks.com) and include the words "MORE INFORMATION THAN I REQUIRE" in your reply.

That way I will know you are alive and well, and I will be glad for it.

Otherwise, I do not know what to say except

THANK YOU

GOOD EVENING

and

THAT IS ALL.

...........................
John Hodgman
PO Box 1618
Cathedral Station
NYC, NY 10025
hodgman@littlegraybooks.com
www.areasofmyexpertise.com
www.littlegraybooks.com

Speaking of flickr

Insofar as I may be able to persuade you of anything, please listen and watch Coulton's important dissertation on the power of creative commons.

"FLICKR"

Some other photos you may use. SEE HERE

H in sunrays

H in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Here is important evidence from Apelad.


SEE HERE

GOOD EVENING 18 of 20, ANNUAL HOLIDAY LETTER

Good Evening

My name is John Hodgman.

I can’t believe how the time has flown, but I just took a look up old man calendar’s robes this morning and guess what?—it’s time for THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY LETTER

(aka electronic mailing number 18 or 20 such mailings pertaining to THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE)

1. ALL IS WELL, and, more importantly NOT A CREATURE IS STIRRING in my Upper West Side Observatory.

2. AFTER LAST YEAR’S FIASCO WITH THE TREE (let’s just say I won’t be reading aloud from the Necronomicon around the tree THIS year), we decided to go with something a little more modest in size, a little less likely to come to life and terrorize us for three days. WHEW!

3. NOW I AM ABLE AT LAST TO RELAX and enjoy the best of my rare collection of SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE XMAS SONGS.

4. (THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM, more than you might think… from the relatively innocent “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” to the plain diamond-lust of “Santa Baby,” to the transparently pornographic “Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney” and “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”)

5. BUT THEY SHARE A COMMON MESSAGE, one that I now share with you, and that message is MERRY SEXY XMAS.

6. IT HAS ALSO BEEN A FINE YEAR for our little darling, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE).

7. BETWEEN AN AWESOME SOCCER SEASON and a show-stopping turn in the annual school pageant as ‘THE DRUNKEN GAP-TOOTHED FIFER,’ our little book has not ceased to amaze its proud father with its DELIGHTFUL CHARM, PRECOCIOUS WISDOM, AND MANY FAKE FACTS.

8. I KNOW I’VE BEEN GOING OVERBOARD WITH THE PICTURES LATELY, but I cannot resist sharing this corker of a shot: LITTLE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, wearing red corduroys, a chunky sweater with reindeers on it, and the happiest dust jacket you ever did see!

9. (IF YOU CAN’T SEE THE PHOTO, it may be time to “GET WITH IT” and finally upgrade to AOL version 1000! THE EASIEST JUST GOT EASIER! Did you hear that DARIN STRAUSS?!)

10. WHY, it seems just yesterday I was holding that little proposal in my hands, and then accidentally dropping it into A CAULDRON OF MAGIC POTION. OK, OK. Enough with the waterworks.

11. IF YOU HAVE BEEN WONDERING “Why do we kiss under the mistletoe?” or “How do you pronounce POINSETTIA?” or “Where did the first Christmas tree come from?”…

12. OR IN CASE YOU SIMPLY WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR RADIO IS STILL WORKING, try tuning in the

THIS AMERICAN LIFE “HOLIDAY SPECTACTULAR”--which airs this weekend, where you will hear me answering those questions and more.

13. AND WHAT’S MORE, you shall hear the voices of VOWELL, RAKOFF, SEDARIS, GOLDSTEIN, and HEATHER O’NEILL.

14. FIND YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS here: thislife.org .

15. AND WHILE YOU ARE USING THE INTERNET, won’t you consider making a holiday donation to this fine organization, which is dedicated to the redistribution of sandwiches and the aiding of the hungry?: CITY HARVEST END OF SINCERITY

16. NOW AS I TYPE THIS I have just received word that I am required in Brooklyn to HUNT THE BONES OF ALISTAIR COOKE, and so I must now sign off.

17. TO ALL MY FRIENDS and e-mail recipients, I assure you that SOON THESE GHOSTS WILL STOP VISITING YOU.

18. FOR NOW, I send my thanks and best wishes. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL, and to all…

19. THAT IS ALL.

Good Evening #17 of 20

Good Evening

My name is John Hodgman, and with the click of a button I am PERSONALLY E-MAILING you this 17th of 20 total messages pertaining to…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

featuring our new motto:

“Number 15 on the New York Times Extended Bestseller List in the Category of ‘ADVICE, HOW-TO, AND MISCELLANEOUS’ for the week ending December 11, 2005”

(!!)

(It is absolutely true, though I cannot prove it.)

(Actually, now that I write it, that sentence is a better new motto.)

(But it is too late. We have already printed up the key-chains with the other new motto. And those key-chains are huge.)

(Now…)

HERE IS THE INFORMATION THAT YOU DID NOT REQUEST

1. THIS FRIDAY, DEC 16, in NEW YORK CITY, the One-Story Reading and Cocktail Hour shall be selling “Fortnight Martinis” at the special price of five dollars in the hope that that will make tolerable A LITERARY PRESENTATION BY HODGMAN AND COULTON.

2. THIS SHALL OCCUR at PIANOS, a bar in THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF NEW YORK CITY----158 Ludlow St. at Stanton St.

3. REASONABLY, drinking begins at 6:30PM, and reading begins thereafter at 7PM. THIS SHALL BE THE LAST PRESENTATION for the foreseeable future.

4. MEANWHILE, it has come to my attention that TWO UNFORTUNATE PEOPLE WERE OBLIGED TO DRAW CARICATURES OF ME on the internet.

5. The first is a cartoon of ME AS A HOBO.

6. The second is a cartoon of ME AS A HOBO, EATING A CAN OF BEANS.

7. NATURALLY THIS IS VERY FLATTERING, but that is only one reason why it is inappropriate. The other reason is: I AM NOT A HOBO. The hoboes I describe in my book lived during the Great Depression, and then left our planet during the forties, a point I explain at length in the pages of Seattle’s “The Stranger” (see link 6), and via podcast on Jawbone Radio episode 88 (see link 5).

8. STILL, I have not the heart to swear vengeance upon either the people of Seattle or the Internet, as they have both been very kind to me.

9. IN PARTICULAR, Len and Norah of Jawbone Radio, along with the APE-LAD and so many other talented artists, must be thanked for DRAWING HOBOES ON THE INTERNET now for several weeks, most of which do not resemble me,

10. APPARENTLY, there was some heated debate at Flickr that I barely understand about what constitutes a “PHOTO” vs. an “ILLUSTRATION OF A MADE-UP HOBO” that complicated “The Hobo Project” for a time.

11. But now, after some APPROPRIATE TIME IN WANDERING EXILE, this project has now finally found a home.

12. SO I DO NOT SWEAR VENGEANCE, but instead say: THANK YOU, Seattle; and THANK YOU, Internet; and THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU who made the new motto possible. Even holding this enormous keychain in my hand, I find it difficult to believe.

13. THIS is the 17th of 20 total e-mails that you will receive on the subject THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE before it all ends on Jan 2, 2006.

14. NEW YORKERS WHO RECEIVED THE “extra” electronic mailing of Oct 26 will receive ZERO MAILINGS from me next week. OTHERWISE, you will all suffer equally.

15. To subscribe to this e-mailing list, merely write to HODGMAN@littlegraybooks.com. To “UNSUBSCRIBE” from this mailing list, write to the same address and say “NO MORE HOBOES.”

16. DO NOTHING, if you wish to keep everything the same forever, for then you are a person after my own heart.

17. THAT IS ALL

16 of 20

Good Morning

This is John Hodgman writing the 16th of 20 total electronically transmitted messages regarding

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE http://www.areasofmyexpertise.com

which last week was apparently the San Francisco Bay Area’s favorite “book” of fake trivia and invented historical oddities, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Thank you, BAY AREA.

AND BELATED THANKS also to BAY AREAN Frank Lauria, who not only was our guide and driver when COULTON and I visited that lovely “AREA BY THE BAY,” but also, we would later learn, A PROFESSIONAL WRITER.

He is the author of some half dozen mystery novels featuring Dr. Owen Orient, occult detective, which William S. Burroughs called “the most believable vampire and werewolf stories I have ever read.” SEE HERE

(!)

ACTUAL CONVERSATION WHILE DRIVING:

Jh: “It says here on your book that you were influenced by HP Lovecraft and A. Merritt. Who is A. Merritt?”

Frank: “He is the author of ‘Seven Footprints to Satan’”

Jh: “I see. And it says you yourself studied the occult?”

Frank: “Well, I am actually a fairly sensitive psychic. But I don’t practice that much any more. Because the first thing you pick up on, of course, is the bad parts of people: their failures, their anxieties, their secrets. And this can be very painful.”

Jh: (silence)

COULTON: (silence)

Jh: (anxieties and secrets and silence)

Frank: “Oh, I think I should have made a left turn there.”

END OF DIALOGUE.

THANK YOU, Frank, for your books, for your kindness, and for not exploding my brain with your mind.

NOW HERE IS MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU REQUIRE…

1. Our Journey to the Mid-Atlantic region continues TO DURHAM, North Carolina, ON A LAZY SUNDAY AFTERNOON, DEC 4, we shall visit…

**THE REGULATOR BOOKSHOP
3PM in the afternoon
720 Ninth Street
Durham, NC
(919) 286-2700
FREE AND OPEN TO THE PUBLIC
BARBECUE TO BE SOUGHT OUT THEREAFTER

2. THEN, and only THEN: we will drive home to NYC.

3. THEREAFTER, there shall be one more VERY SPECIAL appearance in NYC before a long winter’s nap. WATCH THIS SPACE NUMBER “8” for details.

4. MEANWHILE, and with many thanks: THAT IS ALL

GOOD EVENING 15 of 20

Good Evening

This is John Hodgman writing the 15th of 20th total electronic mailings regarding…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

An actual book of fake knowledge available wherever actual books are sold.

SEE HERE

THIS MAILING SHALL CONTAIN INFORMATION ON 8 TOTAL ITEMS, NUMBERED SEQUENTIALLY

1. YESTERDAY EVENING, I was a guest of THE MAJORITY REPORT on AIR AMERICA. Evidence of this may be found here; SEE HERE . Sam Seder is a man who knows his submarine slang.

2. MEANWHILE, thanks also to the famous radio program THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART for having me as its guest last Wednesday. They were very gracious hosts, supplying me with CREAM SODA and ALTOIDS for the rest of the year. And for a radio program, they really do have A BEAUTIFUL SET. A clip is available here: SEE HERE

3. Those who require FURTHER EXCITING COMPUTER DOWNLOADS may see me wearing a tie HERE , where I appear as A DERANGED MILLIONAIRE courtesy of the everlasting, always-blasting THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS.

4. ELSEWHERE ON THE INTERNET, BOING BOING, a directory increasingly devoted to hobo illustration, amazingly points out that there are a number of ILLUSTRATED HOBO NAMES now available on the web, and that number is: 100 OR MORE—including many by apelad. SEE HERE

5. ALMOST PENULTIMATELY, may I say thank you to the city of Seattle for all your hospitality the USE OF YOUR PUBLIC AIRWAVES ( KUOW ). A full report on my visit to AMERICA’S SPACE-NEEDLE-TOWN will be posted in the pages of the Stranger—IN THE FUTURE!

6. MYSTERY PERFORMANCES. For many weeks, I have been unable to tell you the start time of certain upcoming performances. NOW THEY CAN BE REVEALED.


**MONDAY, Nov 28’s performance at MO PITKIN’S in NYC (34 Avenue A) SHALL BEGIN AT 7PM (Jonathan COULTON shall play songs of his own making after the reading).

**WEDNESDAY, Nov 30’s performance at HOW TO KICK PEOPLE (D Lounge, 101 East 15th Street) SHALL BEGIN AT 7:30PM and shall welcome ILLUSTRATIONS BY EMILY FLAKE ( SEE HERE )

**THURSDAY, Dec 1’s performance at the UNIVERSITY OF BALTIMORE with David Rees, Lizzie Skurnick, and COULTON SHALL BEGIN AT 7PM.

7. BALTIMORE begins a series of MID ATLANTIC appearances by COULTON and ME in the company of DAVID REES. We will be traveling BY CAR—I hope, by STATION WAGON, and we will see you ON THE ROAD. I hope. More news to follow.

8. UNTIL THEN, I wish you HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Turkey is a proven soporific, but luckily MOST MASHED POTATOES IN AMERICA CONTAIN TRACES OF CRYSTAL METH.

9. THAT IS ALL.

Number 54 Gila Monster Junior

Number 54 Gila Monster Junior
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Here is apelad. Say hello to him and all the folks at flickr.

Good Evening # 13 of 20

GOOD EVENING

This is John Hodgman writing the 13th of only 20 such electronic messages I intend to send regarding…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

(A book of words and fake facts available now at THE LADY KILLIGREW CAFÉ in Montague, Massachusetts, and also in OTHER FINE BOOKSTORES THAT ARE MUCH EASIER TO FIND, BUT NOT SO NEAR TO WATERFALLS… http://www.theladykilligrew.com/)

Tonight (11/9/05, a Tuesday) I contact you regarding 10 items.

1. Our many thanks… to the kind people of Illinois and Massachusetts who came to visit with me, Coulton, and the entire town of Brookline, Massachusetts.

2. A special acknowledgment… goes to the many high school classmates who surprised, unnerved, and delighted me with their presence in those lands: Lorchie, Dmitry, D-Kidd, Danzy, Maz, Beth C, Amy C, Deaderick and Layman, Mike ‘n’ Damon G, X-Tine, Liz, “J” and all the rest: I will always remember the good times we had at BHS. WE ROLLED A JEEP. Brookline 4-eva.

3. Additional thanks… to Mr. Patrick Borelli, who traveled at the very last minute at the Lady Killigrew and, as I did, left a small part of himself there above the waterfall forever (in his case: an ear). In his tribute, I offer: this website: www.patrickborelli.com

4. Our thanks in advance… to any who wish to join us in PARK SLOPE tomorrow evening, Thursday, Nov 10, at 7:30PM. There, at THE BARNES AND NOBLE, Coulton and I will present material from THE ABOVE-MENTIONED and will also appraise the current market value of your strollers.

5. Thereafter… CALIFORNIA (northern portion), where we shall be appearing at Diesel Books in Oakland on Sunday (Nov 13) at 3PM and the Booksmith in SF on Monday (Nov 14) at 7PM. As always, all details may be found by going to www.areasofmyexpertise.com and clicking on the words “good evening.” Sorry: No strollers will be appraised.

6. Burying the lead… I am told I will appear on “The Daily Show” on Wednesday, Nov 16, at the standard time of 11PM EST. No electronic message can contain my feelings about this (without killing you with electricity). So I will cease on this subject.

7. Meanwhile… there are now 69 Hoboes that have been drawn by uncompensated strangers whom I both adore and fear. Won’t you please micro-pay them with at least a kind comment? They are great. http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/700hoboes/

8. Next week… information on John Hodgman, a deranged millionaire, if only in “the moving pictures.”

9. Otherwise… THAT IS ALL

THIS CONCLUDES #13 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE.

As always, REQUESTS to join this mailing list, AND QUESTIONS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

Thank you, Boing Boing

We are very grateful for all the people looking for hobo names.

Visitors from Boing Boing and elsewhere may find them here.

When listening, please bear in mind: Jonathan Coulton played the music, live, for an hour, one take. Thank you.

There is also a text edition of same, to be found here.

#10 of 20

GOOD EVENING

And take cheer. This is the 10th of 20 TOTAL E-MAILINGS THAT YOU DID NOT REQUEST regarding…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

“The almanac that contains no weather information and, once placed on your shelf, will secretly replace all neighboring books with its own text.”

My name is John Hodgman, and I greet you with……

……The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE……

……The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE……

……Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER……

……Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital……

……Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater……

……That is all……

STAND BY FOR PART ONE

***

PART ONE: The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE

Those of you who were able to attend last week’s LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE have all of our gratitude, and as a reward may skip this part of the e-mailing entirely, for you will already know that…

DAVE PRAEGER IS THE WINNER.

This pertains to a contest held at the Lecture in which members of the audience were asked to SWIFTLY AND ACCURATELY describe in prose THE UNUSUAL FACIAL HAIR OF A LONG-DECEASED MAN… one Captain Thompson.

(Cpt. Thompson’s facial hair may be observed HERE )

DAVE PRAEGER won a free copy of the book THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE for his brief description “DOUBLE WANG.”

BUT… our congratulations also go to these runners-up:

1st: “Tickle Me Timbers”—unsigned.
2nd: “Lucifer’s Horns”—A. Morris.
3rd: “2/3rds of the Rabbit Consumed”—unsigned.

If anyone would like to claim credit for these unsigned or ambiguously-signed descriptions, I would be pleased to acknowledge you.

Please especially, mysterious “Third Runner Up,” I would like to hear from you, because your description is strange and awesome and very accurate.

No offense to Dave Praeger, whom I adore, but I have come to the conclusion that he is a foul-mouthed loon, whereas you, THIRD RUNNER UP, are a moustache poet.

STAND BY FOR PART TWO

***

PART TWO: The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE

As I have NOT LEFT MY HOME in several days, I do not know if TIME OUT NEW YORK has, as promised, published my letter correcting their error in their otherwise very kind and obviously drunken review of MY BOOK.

(Actual quote: “The book’s overall presentation gives Hodgman’s self-consciousness the feel of Nabokov’s PALE FIRE as directed by Wes Anderson. Glub glub glub. I am obviously drunk. Tee hee.”—Daniel Nester, Time Out NY, Oct 13-19). !!

So perhaps it is now common knowledge among TIME OUT NY readers that the missing word from the sentence they MISQUOTED from my book was:

“CYBORG.”

The correctly quoted sentence, thus, is:

“Young, handsome CYBORG Army officer kills own family, blames hippies.” (emphasis mine)

Unfortunately, no one guessed this one correctly, and so this “FREE BOOK” goes unclaimed.

But I shall give it away, as outlined below.

STAND BY FOR PART THREE

***

PART THREE: Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER

Tomorrow night (MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 9:30PM) I have been invited to speak and endure questioning as part of…

BRO’IN OUT WITH LEO AND TONY

A live talk show hosted by LEO ALLEN, sidekicked by TONY CAMIN, and welcoming guests SHONALI BHOWMILK and DEMETRI MARTIN to

THE UCB THEATER, 307 West 26th Street, tickets are available

Please note that BEER AND WINE WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE at this event, but not books.

YOUR NEAREST BOOKSTORE, in case there is a book of FAKE TRIVIA you want to buy and have signed by DEMETRI MARTIN, for example, is the Barnes and Noble at Sixth Avenue and 22nd Street.

STAND BY FOR PART FOUR

***

PART FOUR: Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital

THIS TUESDAY, OCT 25, 2005, Jonathan Coulton and I will drive northward with ARTHUR BRADFORD to address the citizens of Albany.

We are welcomed to the capital region by William Kennedy’s NEW YORK STATE WRITERS INSTITUTE, Donald Faulkner, Director.

You may see Arthur Bradford’s sideburns HERE

The reading, which is open to the public, begins at 8PM.

STAND BY FOR PART FIVE

***

PART FIVE: Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater

THEN, ON WEDNESDAY, OCT 26 at 7PM, Coulton and I will return to Manhattan and the sales floor of BARNES & NOBLE at 6th Avenue and 22nd Street.

PLEASE NOTE: as this is the first ACTUAL BOOKSTORE APPEARANCE since the publication of the book, it would be lovely to see AN ENORMOUS NUMBER OF PEOPLE there.

Or at least: SOME PEOPLE.

Thus, as an incentive, THE FREE BOOK NOT GIVEN AWAY ABOVE will instead be given away to anyone who demonstrably BRING THEIR PARENTS to the reading, or alternately, THEIR FIVE SIBLINGS, or AN ENTIRE CLASS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS.

No cousins, though, Enough with the cousins.

PLEASE NOTE that Barnes and Noble does NOT sell alcohol anymore. If you want beer or wine, you will have to go to the nearby UCB THEATER—I will be happy to sign any alcohol you bring to the reading.

STAND BY FOR PART SIX

***

PART SIX: That is all.


This E-MAILING #10 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE represents the midpoint of all e-mails you shall receive on this subject.

As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “PLEASE END THIS MISERY” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

THAT IS ALL.

Good Evening # 9 of 20

GOOD EVENING

My name is John Hodgman and I greet you via SIMPLE MAIL TRANSFER PROTOCOL with…

……Information Regarding LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE NO. 32, To Be Held THIS WEDNESDAY……

……Information Regarding A BENEFIT FOR 826NYC, To Be Held THIS THURSDAY……

……Information Regarding THE BROOKLINE ADVISORY COMMITTEE MEETING……

……a CHANCE TO WIN a free book, if that is what you want……

……That Is All……

STAND BY FOR PART ONE

***

PART ONE: ……Information Regarding LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE NO. 32, To Be Held THIS WEDNESDAY……

Lecture No. 32: HOW TO PREPARE MANUSCRIPTS FOR PUBLICATION

Will take place THIS WEDNESDAY, Oct 19, 2005, at 8PM, in the traditional location:

GALAPAGOS
70 North 6th Street, Between Kent and Wythe, in Williamsburg
(“Follow the L line to Bedford Station, and then: Walk!”)

We are especially delighted to announce that POTTS IS BACK FROM CHINA, and he will be accepting a $5 donation if you wish to make it at the door.

Once you step through the door, we will be joined by…

Mr. MARK ADAMS, a magazine editor who has now undertaken the Herculean task of writing a truly Herculean BOOK.

Ms. CYNTHIA HOPKINS, whose music, alone and under the auspices of GLORIA DELUXE (www.gloriadeluxe.com), have inspired many a writer of MANUSCRIPTS

Prof. ROBERT FARRIS THOMPSON, who has chased the shifting sounds, passions, and history of TANGO and has impossibly, yet somehow, tamed them into the pages of A BOOK. (http://www.randomhouse.com/pantheon/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780375409318)

Plus: instruction on HOW TO WRITE A BOOK, culled from the pages of ANOTHER DAMN BOOK: this one called THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE (www.areasofmyexpertise.com)

As always, songs by JONATHAN COULTON, Contributing Troubadour to POPULAR SCIENCE.

And a special WANDERING GUEST.

***

PART TWO: ……Information Regarding A BENEFIT FOR 826NYC To Be Held THIS THURSDAY……

On THURSDAY, Oct 20, at 8PM, which is EXACTLY 24 HOURS LATER

826NYC and THE BROOKLYN SUPERHERO SUPPLY COMPANY shall present its Spring 2006 collection of SUPER HERO COSTUMES
designed by FAMOUS FASHION DESIGNERS at Symphony Space.

(http://www.826nyc.org/events/info.html)

As well, there shall be: Samantha Bee, Rob Corddry, Ed Helms, Amy Sedaris, The Hungry March Band, a video of Patton Oswalt, reports from fictional characters and children, Sarah Vowell, and a special WANDERING GUEST.

Tickets are $25 or $75 if you wish to bid on a costume, and they may be purchased here: http://www.symphonyspace.org/genres/eventPage.php?genreId=4&eventId=1472

Does this seem expensive to you? How more dear the cost of ALL THE CHILDREN IN BROOKLYN BEING UNABLE TO READ?

Think about it.

CERTAIN BOOKS WILL BE SOLD AT BOTH GALAPAGOS AND SYMPHONY SPACE for only 22 dollars.

***

PART THREE:

……Information Regarding THE BROOKLINE ADVISORY COMMITTEE MEETING……

ALSO ON OCTOBER 20, as per my regular mailing from Ben Vivante, webmaster of www.townofbrooklinemass.com,

The Brookline Advisory Committee will be meeting at 7:00 PM in the Employees’ Lounge, 3rd Floor, Brookline Town Hall, Brookline, MASSACHUSETTS.

The agenda is schedule to include a review of the following warrant articles:

*ARTICLE 4: Issuance of Pension Obligation Bonds

*ARTICLE 15: Regulations Related to Site Disturbance, Clearing, and Public Shade Trees

*ARTICLE 17. Amendment to the Town's By-Laws-Creation of a New Article 7.12- Street Signs

*AND MANY OTHER ARTICLES

The public is invited to attend.

IF YOU WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS, please consider attending…

Our Little Gray Book Lecture No. 33, on the subject of

YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN (OR AT LEAST, TO BROOKLINE)

this November 4, a Friday at 7:30PM

a special Lecture to be held in honor of Brookline’s 300th Anniversary and welcoming…

PATRICK BORELLI, JENNIFER DEADERICK, ADAM MAZMANIAN, JAMES PARKER, DANZY SENNA, ZEROBOY, and other illustrious guests.

ALL WITHIN the lovely and historic confines of THE COOLIDGE CORNER THEATER, 290 Harvard Street, Coolidge Corner, Brookline, MA. (www.coolidge.org)

More on this later, or by request.

STAND BY FOR PART FOUR.

***

PART FOUR: ……a CHANCE TO WIN a free book, if that is what you want……

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE is now on sale for 22 dollars in many bookstores, and of course on computer networks via www.areasofmyexpertise.com.

However, if you want a free copy of this book—A 22 DOLLAR SAVINGS TO YOU—here is what you do:

Pick up a copy of this week’s TIME OUT NEW YORK MAGAZINE (Oct 13-19 with Maude Maggart on the cover), and turn to the review of the aforementioned BOOK on Page 79.

Note the slightly inaccurate quote from the book:

“’Young, handsome Army officer kills own family, blames hippies.’”

IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT WORD IS MISSING FROM THIS QUOTE, I will send a free copy of THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE to whatever address you specify.

And also, another book of my choosing. Maybe the TIME OUT GUIDE TO LONDON circa 2003, or something about robots.

Simply type your answer in an e-mail to this address, or write

PO BOX 1618
Cathedral Station
New York, NY 10025

THE SOLUTION will be revealed in the next mailing. HINTS will be liberally provided upon request.

***

……That Is All……

This SIMPLE MAIL TRANSFER PROTOCOL MESSAGE shall constitute the entirety of update #9 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE,

…A BOOK…

As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “DESIST” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

THAT IS ALL.

#8 of 20

GOOD EVENING

This is John Hodgman writing via UNSOLICITED ELECTRO-MAIL regarding…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

…a compendium of amazing true facts, historical oddities, and esoteric trivia that are almost exclusively MADE UP, by me, JOHN HODGMAN, a professional writer.

(SEE: THIS WEBSITE )

Today is 10 October, 2005 and I offer you FINEST WISHES for Canadian Thanksgiving (AKA “Doppelganger Turkey Day”), Columbus Day (AKA “Day of the Great Semi-Circumnavigator” AKA “Indigenous Peoples’ Anti-Thanksgiving”) and greet you with…

……NEWS FROM THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA…… ……A PROMISE REGARDING SKUNKS…… ……A GENTLE REMINDER…… ……THAT IS ALL……


***

PART ONE: NEWS FROM THE MSM

These are turbulent times, with much actual news to cover, so we are grateful and somewhat embarrassed to note this further example of “Newsweek’s” BIAS TOWARD HOBO NAMES (SEE: A PROMINENT NEWS WEEKLY )

As you know, further hobo names may be heard with music here (SEE: THIS LINK)

***

PART TWO: A PROMISE REGARDING SKUNKS

In re-reading my initial mailing on the subject of COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE (ol’ #1 of 20, now a collectors’ item among people who collect unsolicited electro-mails), I realized that I made a promise to send to you UNPUBLISHED PHOTOS OF CATS AND SKUNKS EATING TOGETHER.

I regret if any of you people have been waiting for this, and aim to repair the damage of my broken promise now.

Since I do not want to load up your in-box with large (large!) files of skunks-as-pets photos, I will direct you here:

(SEE: A PLACE FOR SKUNKS AND MORE )

Here you will find:

1. FIGURE 2: “AN OMINOUS PORTENT” (as published on page 34 of my book).



2. AN UNPUBLISHED PHOTO OF A SKUNK AND CAT EATING



3. AN UNPUBLISHED PHOTO OF TWO SKUNKS WHO ARE KEPT AS PETS



4. AN UNPUBLISHED PHOTO OF A SKUNK DRESSED IN A LEATHER JACKET



5. AN UNPUBLISHED PHOTO OF A CAT LOOKING AT A PHOTO OF A SKUNK DRESSED IN A LEATHER JACKET



(All of these photos are courtesy Ms. Lynnda Butler, and thanks are given to her as well as her affiliate organization SKUNKS AS PETS

You may also note that THIS WEBSITE is a REPOSITORY for all prior unsolicited electro-mails on this subject, if that is of any use to you.

At some point you will be able to subscribe to this archive, such that these ELECTRO-MAILS will become absolutely OBSOLETE. Oh glorious day.

UPDATE! Apparently this helps with the subscribing: http://areasofmyexpertise.blogspot.com/atom.xml

But for now, you can only subscribe to the OBSCURE PHOTO STREAM

However, you will also note that the famed and very rare electro-mail “#1 OF 20” is not archived here, and is currently only available from collectors, who sell copies of that mailing in little mylar bags at the saddest flea market in the world.

AND ELSEWHERE ON THE INTERNET Jonathan Coulton is looking for a guitar solo: www.jonathancoulton.com

***

PART THREE: A GENTLE REMINDER

If there are citizens of the world who do not know this information already, I send it again:

LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE NO 32: “How to Prepare Manuscripts for Publication

SHALL OCCUR next Wednesday at 8PM at Galapagos…

(70 N. 6th Street, between Kent and Wythe, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

A $5 donation shall be requested at the door by POTTS, if he is back from China.

MEANWHILE, AS YOU WAIT, perhaps you will consider “THE PETERSONS” concert at Caroline’s at 9PM tonight?

PETERSONIC!

***

PART FOUR: THAT IS ALL

This special UNSOLICITED ELECTRO-MAIL shall constitute the entirety of update #8 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE,

…a book to be published by Dutton on October 24, 2005, and which shall be for sale via bookstores and computer networks October 20, 2005.

As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

YOU MAY ALSO WRITE VIA “MAIL BOX”: PO Box 1618, Cathedral Station, New York City, NY 10025

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “PLEASE NO MORE!” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

THAT IS ALL.