HERE IS A PATIENT, PATIENT PERSON

PC vs. Mac
Originally uploaded by etchasketchist.

....WITH MAD TWO-DIAL SKILLS

THANK YOU, etchasketchist.

That is all.

TWO THINGS I MIGHT DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO

73 Jonathan William Coulton, the Colchester Kid
Originally uploaded by Cryptonaut.

FIRST, this photograph from "CRYPTONAUT" of poor COULTON's vandalized, buckskin back. It dates all the way back to North Carolina. DID I BLOG IT BEFORE?

ONLY YOU PEOPLE CAN ANSWER, because I do not know how to work the archives.

SECOND, through some mysterious action unknown to me, the book I wrote is now available for sale from Amazon for close to zero dollars.

(ACTUALLY, FOUR DOLLARS AND 99 CENTS)

TO DATE, the only explanation for this is that they may have come from A DAMAGED SKID, and perhaps themselves may be slightly damaged.

SO CAVEAT EMPTOR

OTHERWISE, enjoy the bargain, should you so choose.

That is all.

SAND CIRCLE DESECRATION

H in sunrays!
Originally uploaded by theNewPollution.

Courtesy: "The New Pollution."

But why does UNH have benches surrounding a sand circle?

There is no reason for it.

UNLESS THEY ARE SUMMONING A WORM.

That is all.

SAND CIRCLE DESECRATION

H in sunrays!
Originally uploaded by theNewPollution.

Courtesy: "The New Pollution."

That is all.

FROM THE SHRINER TEMPLE

the dance band rehearsal room.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

EVIDENCE of wander-men infiltrating the den of the fez, as captured by Cpt. Joy.

MYSPACE UPDATE: I have twice followed the procedure to cancel my account, and I have been assured that I would receive an e-mail with further instructions.

DESPITE FREQUENT SWEEPS of my spam folder (classic summer suits are now on sale at Brooks Brothers, apparently, and Canadian Doctor Faith is offering me Valium AT THE LOWEST PRICES), I have yet to receive this e-mail.

ANYONE WITH ADVICE ON HOW TO GET RID OF A MYSPACE PAGE may post it below.

That is all.

EOSTURMONATH

egg in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

BELATEDLY (though not so belatedly, if you lived in the 8th century and thus observed Easter and the Dawn of Spring all month long. Thanks VENERABLE BEDE),

HERE ARE SOME EGGS from Ape-Lad.

PLEASE NOTE: this is not not their natural color.

ALSO NOTE: I am trying, really trying to delete that myspace page. BUT THEY DO NOT MAKE IT EASY.

That is all.

THANK YOU, NEW ORLEANNAISES

READINGS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

FOR SAYING HELLO

AND TO THE CITY ITSELF for reviving my spirits. Karlin and I could not have had a more glorious night day in the city of rolling temps.

PLEASE NOTE the information contained in the flyer attached regarding various appearances in the public school system.

THAT IS ALL.

THE BOXCAR CHILDREN

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

APELAD, one of our most prolific boxcar children, produces this.

BUT I AM CONFUSED--what is that gray box under the title.

IS APELAD CONCEALING SOME SORT OF LOGO OR OTHER INFORMATION?

That is all.

BUILT ALA

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by Annje.

ANNJE IS SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME AROUND BOXCARS

THAT is my conclusion.

That is all.

CAPTAIN JOY WAS TOO NICE TO PERMANENTLY DEFACE THE IMAGE OF THESE NICE SHRINERS

100 years of white men in fezzes.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

STILL, a very fine H in sunrays.

That is all.

CAPTAIN JOY WAS TOO NICE TO PERMANENTLY DEFACE THE IMAGE OF THESE NICE SHRINERS

100 years of white men in fezzes.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

STILL, a very fine H in sunrays.

That is all.

PORK SHOULDER

pork shoulder, h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by suttonhoo.

THIS PHOTOGRAPH makes me wish to eat.*

LUCKILY, I will be in New Orleans next week. For more information, you should naturally turn to the Times-Picayune

COURTESY: Sutton Hoo.

THAT IS ALL.

*and cry

His family said his only real hobby was UFOs.

THIS STORY FROM THE GUARDIAN IS EXCEEDINGLY BIZARRE and sad as well.

I HOPE THE YOUNG AMNESIAC IS OK but I also startle at how each detail of his story, even the structure of the newspaper story itself, feels like it was lifted from the first chapter of some aiport horror novel from the 70s.

SURELY there must be some German word for the creeping weirdness of life imitating bad genre fiction.


THAT IS ALL.

EVIDENCE: FRIED ITEM X

NO ARCHIVE ONLINE SEEMED TO EXIST, so I had to dig into the paper files.

That is all.

FROM THE COMMENTS, APE-LAD REMINDS

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

FROM THE COMMENTS, Ape Lad reminds us all of his fancy plate of deep fried Oreos.

Such presentation! But why didn't they add a pound of cream cheese?

That is all.

WHAT YOU HAVE HERE IS BASICALLY A DOODLE DOG

WHAT YOU HAVE HERE is basically a classic "pig-in-a-blanket" from the Yankee Doodle Diner of New Haven, CT...

(WHICH IS A HOT DOG, stuffed with cheese, wrapped in bacon, and fried--a complete redefinition of the term "pig-in-a-blanket" down to every word and hyphen)...

...THAT HAS THEN BEEN DEEP FRIED.


COURTESY: the mad geniuses at the Seattle Stranger (thank you, Dan Savage) and to good ole LOOKA! for the alert.

I ADMIRE THIS KIND OF THINKING, and indeed I indulged in it myself once, long ago. Which got me to thinking: why didn't my invention, the deep-fried White Castle burger, having premiered in Men's Journal, A NATIONAL MAGAZINE, in August 2003, ever catch on?

IMAGINE MY HEARTSTOPPING, DEEP FRIED SURPRISE when I learned that AS OF JUST TWO DAYS AGO, it finally had.

LOOK: I don't wish to take away from the accomplishments of "the [non-mad] geniuses of the independent league's Gateway Grizzlies."

FOR STRANGER COINCIDENCES OF INSPIRATION have happened many times before. And it's probably likely the idea of deep frying a White Castle was dreamed long before my time here: frankly, the idea was inevitable.

STILL, I NOW UNDERSTAND, IN A SMALL WAY, THE PAIN of the man who invented the deep fried twinkie, only to watch the credit be assigned to countless state fair deep-fry technicians around the country.

BUT MAINLY: I am just glad the idea is out there.

Finally....

That is all.

EVIDENCE OF MY ABSENCE

I HAVE BEEN away. This is obvious to anyone, but proof of it may be found here.

BUT HERE IS THE ONLY PART OF THE STORY THAT MATTERS:

"The only way that this night could be more perfect is if I ran into Alan Moore, pan handling for money outside of Canter's. I would ask him: "Why are you pan handling outside of Canter's, Alan Moore?" and his answer would simply be "Magick." This would make unbelievable sense to me and I would give him a twenty dollar bill."

THANKS, Elan, for contacting me via "myspace." Sometimes myspace is very good. It does, after all, offer this (also via Elan).

BUT I NEED TO ESTABLISH A NEW MYSPACE POLICY, AND IT IS: no more myspace.

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS HAVING FUN THERE, but as I am old and slow and unable to keep up even with this simple tickertape machine, it feels unfair to let those poor people on myspace to go unanswered for so long.

I ACTUALLY TRIED TO DELETE THAT PAGE about a month ago. But now I will take a week to tell those poor souls and you people that ALL INTERNET CONTACT SHALL NOW OCCUR EXCLUSIVELY HERE.

With a side dabbling in Flickr.

AND TO THOSE PATIENT PEOPLE who defaced their books and sent in hobo nickels, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU. I have all your letters, and you will be hearing from me, IN THE FUTURE.

That is all.

APE LAD WAS HERE

767 Dr. Know
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

I hardly know what to say, except

THANK YOU.

That is all.

HIGH FIVE: THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA COMES TO (W)NYC

IMG_1189
Originally uploaded by youngamerican.

IF YOU LIVE ON OR NEAR THE ISLAND OF "MANHATTAN," please do tune your FM radio to 93.9, also known as WNYC

AND THEN LISTEN to The Sound of Young America....

A PUBLIC RADIO SHOW ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME

AS IT MAKES ITS DEBUT on the New York air.

TONIGHT at 6PM

IF YOU DO NOT LIVE NEAR NY but do live near the internet, why not stop by WNYC.org, and give them this message:

"I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE BROADCASTING THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA ON THE RADIO EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT AT 6PM THAT I AM SENDING YOUR STATION TEN DOLLARS."

I'm going to do it. WON'T YOU?

MEANWHILE, please do click on the photo to view and join TSOYA's long-overdue and very welcome FLICKR GROUP OF PEOPLE HIGH FIVING EACH OTHER, THEMSELVES, AND ANIMALS.

That is all.

MEETING AFTER SCHOOL IN MULTIMEDIA LAB 2

POLLACK v. BROOKS

nealbaby
Originally uploaded by sugarfreak.

I REGRET I am so late in noting Neal Pollack's thoughtful reply to David Brooks's unthoughtful rant-yelled-from-porch-at-passing-teenagers of last Sunday's New York Times.

BETWEEN NEAL AND STEVEN JOHNSON, I think the discrediting of Brooks's book-cover-judgment and unprovoked attack upon Neal's son's unpretentious name is complete, so I will add no further comment other than to ask...

DID DAVID BROOKS ACTUALLY USE THE TERM "jump the shark?" I am afraid to go back and look, for fear it will cause my eyes to burn up in their sockets and 1000 stars across the galaxy to instantly collapse.

AND THAT IS NOT HOW I WANT TO SPEND MY DAY

(Courtesy, once again, to Sugarfreak for the still-haunting image of nealbaby.)

That is all.

I REFUSE TO EXPLAIN THIS IMAGE

VERY OCCASIONALLY, mystery is more important than knowing.

That is all.

VERY FAINT, BUT THEY ARE THERE

h in faint sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

CURRENTLY RE-ENTERING the internet.

DURING RE-ACCLIMATION PROCESS, please note these simple sightings that I missed last week....

A) DARNIELLE talking about horror movies.
B) QUICKSTOP's take on the immortality of game show hosts and lego Match Game.
C) COULTON talking to Merlin. NOTE: NOT AS WIZARDLY AS YOU MIGHT INITIALLY THINK, but very productive.

INVESTIGATE, I say, INVESTIGATE.

That is all.

I SHALL BE AWAY FROM THE INTERNET

all next week.

That is all

THE SECRET DEATH OF LOBSTERS

APPARENTLY THERE ARE MORE THAN 45 WAYS to kill a lobster.

HERE ARE TWO MORE OF THEM, courtesy THE SECRET LIFE OF LOBSTERS via BOING BOING, including the device pictured, the Avure HPP.



THE LOBSTER is placed in the chamber, along with water, a substance that the lobster knows well and feels very comfortable in.

THEN THE PRESSURE BEGINS, and the lobster's old pal "water" suddenly becomes its greatest enemy, as the water pressure grows to three times that found at the greatest depths of the ocean.

TO PARAPHRASE C-3P0, THE LOBSTER SHOULD BE QUITE WELL PROTECTED, should it survive the process, that is.

ACTUALLY, NO: the lobster not only dies, but conveniently for all but the lobster, the process has the added benefit of instantly separating its delicious raw flesh from its disgusting, hateful shell.

THUS ALLOWING, for the first time, a raw lobster to be shucked while still disgustingly whole.



THIS IS THE METHOD WHOLE FOODS HAS CHOSEN to humanely kill the lobsters it will sell.

BUT NATURALLY THE NUTCRACKER INDUSTRY IS UP IN ARMS, as well as the Boiling Council.

That is all.

I DON'T KNOW IF PHIL WILL LIKE IT

BUT I AM INTERESTED, very interested indeed, in hearing Bourdain rant magnificently on the subject of SANDRA LEE and other sins of the Food Network.

COURTESY, as always, the excellent DETHRONER.

THAT IS ALL.

HEY, PHIL!

FROM THE COMMENTS, Adam asks...

"Is that actor Ryan Stiles as the security guard in the advert Security?" (sic)

BY "SECURITY," Adam refers to the very latest in television advertising of computers.

BY "ADVERT," Adam means "I am secretly British."

BUT THE WORRISOMELY TALL person in those ads is not Ryan Stiles, but the great, different person named SETH MORRIS, known for his directorship of the UCB Theater WEST.

IF YOU WISH MORE INFORMATION, PHIL CAN PROVIDE IT.

THE REST, as always, is a mystery to me.

That is all.

AS MUCH AS I WANT PHIL TO BE HAPPY

I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS to any Playmobil where I am at the moment.

That is all.

HAPPY NOW PHIL?

THIS POST is for Phil, who is concerned that I have not posted enough recently.

That is all.

THIS IS SO FREAKING MAGICAL

I CANNOT BELIEVE that I missed it, both in reality, and then on the internet.

That is all.

LET ME LAY SOME BEATBOXING ON YOU

SINCE I SPENT THE GREATER PART OF THE MORNING slaving over this, I thought I'd get some extra use out of this longwinded comment on Jesse's THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA BLOG.

FOR THE FULL STORY, start here. I don't know why I get so huffy about this. Yes I do.

A) I love public radio, and I think Jesse's critique is not only valid, but is motivated by his own love for the form.

B) I found the public radio reporter's insults of Jesse to be annoying.

C) I don't feel like doing my real work this morning, nor have I taken any photographs of PLAMOBILS for you.

As always, internet, MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WILL.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

Hello

I think your letter, Jesse, was devastating and, to use some young-people's lingo, "right on."

Now having listened to the piece, I can't say I totally agree with your implication that Kalish didn't know what he was talking about. He clearly has been thinking about the subject for a while, and his curiosity and thoughtfulness in the piece are genuine.

But it would be disingenuous to suggest that the overall tone of the piece was not condescending, both toward the rap and the intelligence of the listener. The weekend edition intro to the piece actually borders on the contemptuous, though Kalish cannot really be held accountable for that.

But tone aside I just don't get what the story is here. Apparently there are street performers on the NYC subway! Yet Kalish does not do a story about the wacky, wild scene that goes down when guys come through the cars singing "FIRE NEXT TIME," or the car-to-car conga sessions sessions or breakdance circles that I've seen since moving to NYC in 1994.

Personally, I'd be furious if someone came into the C train and started cursing in front of my five year old. It actually happens all the time in NYC, but when it's a performer/captive audience situation, it gets more complicated and galling in equal measures. I think Kalish did well to challenge the performers on this, but he didn't exactly hold their feet to the fire on it either.

Finally, there is Kalish's gloss on the phenomenon as a return to hip hop's roots. I think that's an interesting point to make. But at the same time, it seemed to suggest that freestyling had somehow disappeared for several decades and is now just coming back. I'm not an expert by any means, but that can't be true, can it?

No--these points are all so under-explored that they feel like feints for what I can only conclude is Kalish's main story here: rap music "forced" on shocked subway riders. Some recoil in horror, some discover a new respect for this art form and their urban neighbors. Everyone turns off their radio happy.

A nice narrative cliche as it goes, but there's a problem: it doesn't seem to really be happening. The subway riders that Kalish turned to for the google-eyed-suburban-outrage reaction he seemed to expect basically offered instead a sane response: "that's life in NYC, and I kinda like it."

Yeah. Me too.

The only person who legitimately seemed agog in this situation was Kalish. So in this sense, I think it indeed works as a personal essay, charting one man's reaction to an interesting but hardly groundbreaking social phenomenon.

But even if we redefine the piece this way, it's still a personal essay about the boisterous invasion of an traditionally black music into the closed space of a subway car, where the boisterous, loud musicians quasi-literally hold captive an audience of (Kalish presumes) non-rap listeners.

Jesse is right: this is exoticism, and I share his offense. It's also, in my opinion, boring. I hear the cafeterial ladies rolled their eyes when the kids from Fame started dancing on the tables, too. Stop press.

Kalish is right to defend his record as a reporter and clarify its status as a freelance piece. He's certainly free to disagree with Jesse's assessment of the piece and NPR's cultural coverage in general.

But I think the fact that Kalish does not respond directly to Jesse, and indirectly does so only with insults, tells me just about everything I need to know: what a snob.

As an overweight 35 year old dad with hurty knees whose currency with rap basically ends at De La Soul is Dead, I'm not a pitchforky insider to this culture, nor am I by any definition a young podcasting lad. My own podcasting and blogging efforts are basically pathetic. And, like Jesse, I have done actual radio, including reported pieces (albeit not for NPR, but PRI).

So I have no suggestions for what sniffy bona fides Kalish should use to brush aside my own critique of his work. But I do think he owes Jesse an apology.

John Hodgman.

END QUOTED TEXT

That is all.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE CRAZY ADS FOR MACINTOSH COMPUTERS?

FOR MORE INFORMATION on these fine gentlemen computers, you may use the internet.

MEANWHILE, I might note that, as of this writing, on MONDAY MORNING, I am scheduled to be on television TOMORROW, TUESDAY NIGHT, and not today.

THAT IS PART OF THE REASON that I will fail to make good on my promised PLAYMOBIL PHOTOGRAPHIC THROW-DOWN until later in the week.

THE OTHER REASON is that I am lazy.

That is all.

BUT NOW, ONE TIME I WAS ALMOST ASIAN

APPARENTLY Tom and Sam are still stuck in the horrible, backward ancient era known as 2007.

That is all.

WATCH THIS SPACE MONDAY FOR PLAYMO

MEANWHILE, you may enjoy CRACKED magazine, for now.

That is all.

"ONE WITH PLENTY OF GOOD MEAT STILL ON IT"

I MUST IMPOSE ON YOUR PATIENCE: the Playmobil thow-down is coming.

BUT I MUST ALSO INTERRUPT to bring you this late breaking bulletin from THE ONION

WHETHER THE SUBJECT IS HOBOES, RACOONS, OR PLAYMOBIL, it's good to be remind that the Onion trumps us all.

COURTESY: "ERIC" for bringing this to my attention.

That is all.

PLAYMO

743 Mike the Beard Recycler
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

OK, APE-LAD

I HAVE BEEN DREAMING of an old fashioned PLAYMO FEUD for years.

NOW It's on.

That is all.

AN ALARMING PORTENT FROM ALBERTA

John Bowman, A CANADIAN, writes from Canada...

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

"After weaning five kittens of her own, this mother cat, Misty, took on
six baby skunks born at our zoo, The GuZoo Animal Farm, in Three Hills,
Alberta, shown in this recent handout photo. The skunk's natural mom
lost interest and wouldn't continue feeding them. Misty has been raising
the skunks for two weeks. (CP PHOTO/ HO/ GuZoo Animal Farm)

"John Bowman
Associate Producer
CBC News Online (the website of a Soviet-style state-run media
organization in Canada)"

END QUOTED TEXT:

As best as I can tell, the above photo is REAL AND UNRETOUCHED; it is also HEARTWARMING, even though it FOREBODES THE APOCALYPSE.*

A quick INTERNET INVESTIGATION INTO THE "GUZOO ANIMAL FARM" turns up no direct confirmation on the cat-skunk blended family (thanks for nothing, INTERNET)...

BUT I DO FEEL COMPELLED TO POINT OUT that the GuZoo Animal Farm does seem to be the target of frequent criticism for providing its non-human charges with inadequate shelter and care.

I DO NOT CLAIM TO KNOW THE FULL STORY HERE. Certainly in their defense one could argue that they are at the very least not allowing baby skunks to die, EVEN AT THE RISK OF APOCALYPSE.**

BUT INTERESTINGLY, at least one on-line petition urging the roadside zoo's closure includes one signature from a JASON BOWMAN.

WHAT IS HIS CONNECTION TO OUR CANADIAN CORRESPONDENT, JOHN BOWMAN?

At this point: NO ONE CAN TELL.

I will keep you posted.

MEANWHILE, thank you for watching television last night.

THAT IS ALL

*Please see my book, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, for information regarding the ominous portent of CATS CONSORTING WITH SKUNKS.

**Please see the previous asterisk above.

CRYPTONAUT!

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by Cryptonaut.

THIS PARTICULAR FIND is uncanny enough as to be frightening.

PLUS, this news: 3M Performance Plus Wire Nuts are

NOW IN STOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN AUDIO FILE FOR TODAY

COURTESY the great Alexandra Ringe of STAY FREE MAGAZINE and many other endeavors.

That is all.

NEAL BABY

nealbaby
Originally uploaded by sugarfreak.

HERE IS THE PHOTO OF "SINCERE NEAL" that I had found and wanted to post to the below.

UNFORTUNATELY old Blogger/new Blogger issues seemed to have scotched the effort.

I TRY AGAIN, and thanks go to Sugarfreak, whoever you are.

MEANWHILE, my thanks to all who came to KGB last night. It was great fun.

FRITOS AND MILK!

(my new sign off except for...

THAT IS ALL)

THIS EVENING

THIS EVENING I will be reading with my friend and former client Darin Strauss at the KGB bar in New York City in conjunction with Behind The Book, A FINE ORGANIZATION.

THIS WILL HAPPEN at 7PM, at 85 East 4th Street, up the stairs.

THIS WILL BE ONE OF MY RARE APPEARANCES without Mr. Coulton, whom I believe is still in Las Vegas.

THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED, in North Carolina, there was luckily a bagpiper on hand to offer some bagpipe music (IF YOU CAN CALL IT MUSIC! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE? WHO'S WITH ME?).

I DO NOT KNOW IF THERE WILL BE ANYONE who happens to have a bagpipe or another kind of screechy musical instrument,

BUT DARIN'S NEW NOVEL is beautiful, and I will probably read about monsters, and the bar is an old favorite, so do stop by, bagpipers!

That is all.

SPEAKING OF BRUCE CAMPBELL

....DEREK chimes in from the comments to alert us all to THIS VIDEO.

IT'S BRILLIANT of course, but personally I cannot believe Bruce would stoop so low as to do a TELEVISION COMMERCIAL. What a sell out.

WHO'S WITH ME?

That is all.

SEE ALL MY REVIEWS

POLLACK'S BOOK IS FOR SALE

HERE is what I said about it on the internet. Every word is true.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

NEAL'S FINEST, January 9, 2007
Reviewer: John Hodgman - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
Long before he secured actual, competent representation, I briefly served as Neal Pollack's professional literary agent. Therefore, my opinion may be somewhat biased, in the sense that I feel for him the same kind of weary I felt for all of my old bloodsucking clients, the ones who kept bothering me all day with their money troubles while I was trying to drink brandy and play minesweeper (that means you, Bruce Campbell!)

But I will confess that ALTERNADAD was a complete and happy surprise to me--hilarious, as all Neal's work is, but heartfelt and true. This book is fully deblustered of the old "Neal Pollack, Greatest Living Writer" persona of his seminal early work, replaced instead by an even older "Neal Pollack" going back to his days at the "Chicago Reader:" the just-plain-good-writer full of caustic wit and human sympathy.

This is a story that documents a new kind of hipster parental mood in some respects, but it is really a much simpler story about a man who loves his wife and son. Neal's ability to say just that puts paid to any rumor that he was ever merely a 90's era irony-drenched ha ha man, and makes ALTERNADAD the best third-book debut I've ever read.

END QUOTED TEXT

That is all.

AS NOTED BY CAPTAIN JOY

good luck will rub off if i shakes hands with you.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

THIS IS NOT A HOBO, but a chimney sweep, guarding tea.

STILL, it is lovely, and leads me to wonder once again

WHEN WILL CAPTAIN JOY MAKE ADMIRAL.

OF COURSE, shaking hands with a chimney sweep will not bring bring you luck. That is a myth perpetuated by Disney.

BUT NOT LONG AGO I consulted a contemporary, non-top-hatted chimney sweep who, EVEN THOUGH HE LOOKS LIKE A NORMAL, UN-COCKNEY HUMAN, told me he is constantly accosted by old women looking to touch him and thus ward off their horrible fates.

SPECIFICALLY, he said, women of Polish extraction want to pinch him as that is the custom for squeezing out good luck from a chimney sweep in that country.

I LAMENTED this unfortunate occupational hazard, and then I briefly throttled him. We all have our traditions.

That is all.

I AM CONFUSED

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Ape-lad tells me this is the logo for the star wars fan club. But why the H?

That is all.

MIDVALE

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

MIDVALE: what is it?

THIS QUESTION WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED. But I am grateful to Ape-Lad for the boxcar image and the H, even if you have to hunt for it.

MEANWHILE...

FOR THOSE OF YOU who did not require my opinion on LOST-as-a-barometer-of-jocks-vs.-nerdism-in-the-21st-century, but got it anyway,

YOU MAY BE CURIOUS TO learn the now old news that Brian K. Vaughan has been hired as a writer by the program.

HE IS THE AUTHOR, among other comic book titles, of "Y: The Last Man," which I did not happen to read, and "Ex Machina," which I did read, and enjoyed very much.

AFTER AN AUTUMNAL "VEST-POCKET-SEASON" of pure, happily unhinged soap opera on LOST, does BKV's recruitment signal a return to the comic bookish continuity madness that marked its high nerd period and pneumatic tube hey day?

THIS QUESTION WILL ALSO NEVER BE ANSWERED

(HOWEVER, I will say that if Hurley suddenly blinks off the hypnosis and realizes HE HAS NEVER SEEN NIKKI AND PAULO BEFORE IN HIS LIFE, then things will be going in the right direction.)

(I TRUST THIS SETTLES the debate about whether this blog is controlled by jocks or nerds, which I know has been raging for months now).

That is all.

VIA SHARPEWORLD

AND THE CLOSE EYED READER "Solonor," here is footage of Harmonica Frank, who eats harmonicas despite their protests.

I ESPECIALLY appreciate the german subtitled.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

That is all.

FREEZING FOG

WHEN I OBSERVED THIS OMINOUS PREDICTION in London's weather report this morning, and then it quickly disappeared, I presumed it was an error.

BUT IT IS SO.

MY SYMPATHIES for those grounded by FREEZING FOG in Britain's airports.

BUT THE UPSIDE IS it seems to be transforming the country into a series of illustrations for the covers of paperback fantasy novels.

That is all.

OH, AND OF COURSE: KNITTERERS

hodgman solus.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

Here's to you.

That is all.

YOU

It is time
Originally uploaded by halcyonsnow.

THIS IS CLEARLY a manipulated image, yet I defer to halcyon's good intentions, as

I AGREE with Time's assessment of person-hood of the year, since indeed I have learned firsthand this year, via hobo artists and podcasters and many more, that the true and exciting engine of culture right now is self-built, funded, and powered by millions of busy hands and mice out there in the previously invisible world.

And so it is...

YOU whom I must thank for this astonishing strange and happy year.

THANK YOU readers, listeners, hoboers, wikiers, flickrers, bloggerers, boingers, casters, tubers, chalkers, and Canadians all, for all the joy and inspiration and brandy you have provided.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL.

PLEASE DON'T FORGET to download the audiobook for free from iTunes in the USA (see below), and meanwhile,

Happy, Merry, and

THAT IS ALL.

CANADA, AUSTRALIA, GERMANY, UK

IMG_4374
Originally uploaded by rheimbro.

IT IS TRUE, you are all out of luck.

THE AUDIO EDITION OF MY BOOK is available for free only through the iTunes USA store.

THIS IS NOT DONE OUT OF SPITE

(except perhaps in the case of Canada)

BUT BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SOVEREIGN NATIONS, some of which currently offer no legal edition of my book to begin with--IN ANY FORMAT.

(including MICROFICHE)

and ONE OF WHICH (Canada) persists in having its own laws, economy, and publishing territories despite OUR OBVIOUS KINSHIP AND MUTUAL LOVE OF FRIES WITH GRAVY

I'm sorry if you feel vexed or disappointed.

I can offer you at least this: a recorded interview from BOOK SOUP (10/9/06) that I just rediscovered on-line. Tune in HERE AND AROUND THE WORLD as Leila asks some very provocative questions about my early schooling and the odor of my fellow students.

That is all.

CATEGORY: SELF DEVELOPMENT

I HAVE BEEN ALERTED VIA OVERSEAS E-MAIL THIS MORNING that

the AUDIO EDITION of my book of COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE

is now available for ZERO DOLLARS via iTunes for A LIMITED TIME

IF YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THIS IMPORTANT 1,000 CD SET, which includes...

contributions by JONATHAN COULTON, MS. ROBIN GOLDWASSER, and A MYSTERIOUS CELEBRITY OF STAGE AND SCREEN,

THEN WHY NOT DOWNLOAD IT NOW FOR NOTHING?

Logic demands that you comply.

That is all.

REMINDER: BORELLI

borelli.jpg
Originally uploaded by herman melville.

Is at Comix tonight.

That is all.

ANOTHER HOBO FILM FROM APE-LAD

h in movie rays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

This one apparently stars Jonathan Coulton.

That is all.

1618

JoCo at Johnny D's
Originally uploaded by jcoulton.

FIRST, please do not forget about old COULTON TONIGHT at Mo Pitkin's with Paul and Storm.

SECOND, I am told that Patrick Borelli will be joining the stage as part of Catie Lazarus's FRESH MEAT next Tuesday (Dec 19). I have yet to see Catie's show, but I have been to Comix and I can tell you this: it is very new and shiny and clean. It is like seeing comedy on a HOLODECK!

TRIVIA FACT: Patrick Borelli likes tuna salad sandwiches for lunch, ESPECIALLY IF HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM.

ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED EIGHTEENTH, the PO informs me that my account for the PO BOX ADDRESS listed in my book has expired. I am going to renew it tomorrow, but I am sorry if anyone had their mail returned.

For the doubters, IT WAS ALWAYS A LEGITIMATE ADDRESS, and it will be again, unless you are sending poison.

That is all.

JoCo at Johnny D's

JoCo at Johnny D's
Originally uploaded by jcoulton.

APPARENTLY he destroyed all monsters last night in Somerville, where a sub shop graces every hill.

That is all.

ATTENTION PUBLIC RADIO PROGRAMMERS

IS IT TOO LATE to license "The Sound of Young America Holiday Special" for your stations?

I SAY: NO!

MEANWHILE, in the world of commercial radio, Andy has made my appearance on WGN's Nick Digilio show available here.

That is all.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN HAVE TO FACE POKEMON-INDUCED BRAIN EXPLOSION....

PokemonBattleFrontier.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

COMES THIS, courtesy HoboGirl1.

MEANWHILE, please listen to THE UNTITLED THORN/MORRIS PROJECT for hasty, blindfolded judgments and the eventual return of HANG IT UP/KEEP IT UP.

SUBSCRIBE IMMEDIATELY.

That is all.

TARAVAL STREET NEAR 23RD AVE

Hobo uprising, Taraval St. near 23rd Ave.
Originally uploaded by merlinmann.

MERLIN uploaded this one--is it carved in wet cement?

IF YOU GO TO HIS SITE, 43Folders you will see a heartbreaking, hopeful post from a brief time when the fate of James Kim was still uncertain. I did not know Kim, but I am realizing I know, at least obliquely, many who did. I find his and his family's story almost unbearably sad, and now doubly so, so I will leave it at that.

TONIGHT is Laura Cantrell at Mo Pitkin's. I will not be there, but you should go if you can. Wear a scarf.

That is all.

H IN SIDEWAYS

H in Sideways
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

If you did not catch it in the coments, APE LAD JUST EXPLODED MY BRAIN, both with his Keaton-knowlegde, and with his bizarre cinematic find.

Herewith his comment:

"While I can't confirm the authenticity of the good captain's find (although I suspect it is real), I came across something interesting. I had recently seen that very episode of Arrested Development as well as Steamboat Bill, Jr, the source of the original stunt to which the homage is being paid.

"While I appreciated the allusion (even down to the characters names: Buster Keaton/Buster Bluth. It's like they wrote the whole show just to make that clever reference), something was left unsettled in the back of my mind.

"Upon a repeated viewing of SB,Jr, I realized what it was: Buster Keaton performs the stunt with his back to the falling facade. It may seem subtle, but that is the difference between Keaton and Tony Hale and anyone else who seeks to emulate him. In my opinion anyway.

"Also, I stumbled upon this incredibly shocking (sorry) frame of film. Although it is obviously manipulated, it was not done by me. This can be attested to by downloading (free and legal) and viewing Steamboat Bill, Jr from here and paying close attention to 1:02:03."

END QUOTE

COMMENCE BRAIN EXPLOSION

That is all.

UN-MANIPULATED

not digitally manipulated.jpg
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

CAPTAIN JOY CLAIMS that this image has not been digitally manipulated.

I REMAIN SKEPTICAL, because I know that even in color films, Buster Keaton was in black and white.

BUT I CHOOSE TO TRUST JOY, as I am a fool.

That is all.

MOVIE PLACE

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

I AM beyond saddened by this news.

THE MOVIE PLACE has been the center of my neighborhood for the nearly 10 years I lived here.

IT WAS ARGUABLY the reason I moved into my first apartment on 105th Street.

OK: I WILL CEASE TO ARGUE--it was THE reason.

(IT CERTAINLY WAS NOT the apartment itself, which was shaped like a noose and yet felt somehow tighter and more choking).

AMONG THEIR MANY ADMIRABLE, STRANGE, AND NOBLE QUALITIES, including incredible taste, decency, and delivery, I should note that...

UNTIL THE LAST 35 SECONDS OR SO, they didn't even use computers.

JUST INDEX CARDS!

AS A FORMER video store employee, I know especially: THAT TAKES SOME BRASSY, BEAUTIFUL NERVE!

NOW THEY ARE DONE. The last neighborhood servicey store to exist in that building (a printing and copy store) was recently replaced with a store that sells edible bouquets made of fruit.

(Not to run down anyone's dream, but this store seems as doomed as the old PUDDING IT FIRST, a Brookline specialty store that really did exist, minus the mad poetry of being devoted TO PUDDING).

I SUSPECT the next tenant to occupy the former MOVIE PLACE will be similarly, pointlessly "upscale," unneeded, and ridiculous.

THERE IS NOTHING TO DO, it would see, but mourn and blog. It makes me feel very sad and very powerless. And I also think I owe them about 40 dollars or so in late fees which I intend to repay, somehow.

THAT IS ALL.

(cinematic hobology courtesy APE LAD).

COULTON RADIO

Coulton will be on Soundcheck, WNYC's fine talk show about music, today at 2PM Eastern.

LISTEN

That is all.

FATE'S BIRTHDAY GIFT TO COULTON

73: Jonathan William Coulton, the Colchester Kid
Originally uploaded by halcyonsnow.

A CONTAINER OF DORITOS WASHES ASHORE

COURTESY: Dethroner, HalcyonSnow.

That is all.

LITTLE BROTHERS

73 Jonathan William Coulton, the Colchester Kid
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

TONIGHT, in Columbus, Jonathan Coulton's tour takes him to the stage at "Little Brothers."

I HOPE everyone that I met during my recent visit to Columbus will take advantage of this rare opportunity.

THIS MEANS YOU skinny guy who followed us across the street,

AND YOU, OSU STUDENT whose cell phone I helped reprogrammed so John Oliver could leave your new outgoing message,

AND YOU, LEE K. ABBOTT.

You will enjoy this show NOT LEAST because it is Coulton's birthday.

Thank you, APE-LAD

That is all.

CASSETTES!

Casettes.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE THIS EFFORT, HoboGirl needs to trash this garbage format.

OK, CASSETTE-OPHILES: BRING IT ON!

Who went to see Jonathan Ames last night, by the way?

That is all.

H IN SNOW RAYS

H-in-snow-rays
Originally uploaded by halcyonsnow.

COURTESY haclyonsnow for the meteorological omen.

IF I WERE YOU, I'd be at Mo Pitkin's tonight to see HOW TO KICK PEOPLE, and then stay all night for Jonathan AMES and his SHENANIGANS.

BUT, sadly, unavoidably, I AM NOT YOU.

That is all.

THE LENGTHS

back
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

PLEASE NOTE the lengths to which Ape Lad will go.

I ADVISE: do not cross him.

AND I AGREE: if that iPod supported one more line of type, you could have gotten a proper h-in-sunrays on there. Anyone know anyone at Apple Computer who could fix this?

THAT IS ALL.

Tiffanys

HoboPizza.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

I would be very concerned if I received this pizza.

Thank you, HoboGirl1

LINK FIXED: FAREWELL, KING

Carolyn, Luke, and Superfecta passed along this sad news from Britt, IA.

"Beloved "Grand Patriarch" of hoboes, Steam Train Maury dead at 89"

That is all.

ATENE STAYS GOLD

A FINE ACQUAINTANCE in California brought the original Atene video to my attention.

NOW HE HAS RETURNED, and I am as awed as the rest of the internet.

I FRANKLY would not have the courage, and THERE ARE SOME TERRIBLE VIDEOS OF MY YOUTH OUT THERE, believe me.

THE 12th BIRTHDAY PARTY TAPE is missing. THE HIGH SCHOOL CENSORSHIP EPISODE OF "RAP-AROUND" WITH TOM BERGERON is OUT THERE and could surface at any time.

WOULD I HAVE THE COURAGE TO ATENE-LY CONFRONT MY PAST ON THE INTERNET?

Probably: no.

That is all.

HOBO PIE

Hobo pie, 10/22/06
Originally uploaded by photophonic.

I HAVE TO EAT a large helping of hobo humble pie this morning.

I CANNOT BELIEVE that I do not own THIS BOOK.

EVEN THE DAMN TRUTH FUZZ at "The Straight Dope" have known about this book FOR AT LEAST A YEAR.

FURTHER EVIDENCE that Cecil Adams desires to shame me.

LUCKILY, the Twincesses have set me straight.

SHAMEFACEDLY, and with thanks to photophonic.

That is all.

OLD NEWS

THIS LINK, I trust, is old news to you , people of the internet.

BUT I MIGHT POINT OUT, that hoodie probably only cost $1000. So that is one difference. Can you spot the others?

That is all.

MORE OTTERNESS

hobonickel
Originally uploaded by ocdeegan.

from OC Deegan

That is all.