CHEEK VANDALISM

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by cbgbrocker22.

This poor woman.

That is all.

NOT TO BE SLAVISH

BUT I MUST GO with BoingBoing on this one:



That is all.

I WILL SOON BE DIALING-UP

I WILL SOON spend a week or so on the dial-up modem, so "posting" to this imitation blog may be EXTRA-SPORADIC for a bit.

PLEASE EVERYONE: have a safe and joyous end to this Gregorian calendar year.

AND THANK YOU ALWAYS: for your kind attention.

That is all for now.

THE GAUNTLET HAS BEEN THROWN DOWN

AND "GAUNTLET" is a bingo.

WON'T YOU PLEASE JOIN US on January 19th at 826NYC in Brooklyn for the upcoming

SCRABBLE FOR CHEATERS?

AT WHICH the renowned and goodhearted tutoring center/superhero supply company hosts a SCRABBLE COMPETITION featuring many teams, including one composed of:

1) ME
2) the foreigner, JOHN OLIVER

THE CHEATING PART can be explained thusly: in order to raise money for the 826NYC organization (A GOOD CAUSE), you people of the internet and beyond are asked to

BUY "CHEATS" for the team of your choice.

SUCH CHEATS include:

1. Trade out a letter—$25
2. Wheel of Fortune: buy a vowel—$50
3. Flip a letter over and make it blank—$100
4. Add 10 to any letter’s value—$150
5. Add Q, Z, or X to any word, anywhere—$200
6. Passport: play a word in any language—$250
7. Consult the dictionary for one turn—$300
8. Consult the Scrabble word list for one turn—$400
9. Reject another team’s word—$450
10. Invent a word (must have a definition)—$500

NOW, AS JACKIE MCLEOD AND KIERA KNOW, I am normally very strict about the rules of SCRABBLE.

HOWEVER I MAKE AN EXCEPTION IN THIS CASE and urge you to buy some cheats for Oliver so that he can spell words incorrectly like "HONOUR" and "COLOUR" and "GAOL" and "GIRAUFFE" and feel at home, at last.

OR ALTERNATELY, form or join your own team and START GUNNING FOR US.

SO WON'T YOU PLEASE help us cheat?

That is all.

>H<

>H
Originally uploaded by Jef Poskanzer.

GREETINGS JEF Poksanzer...

I AM ALWAYS grateful for photos to post here of...

DRIFTWOOD SCULPTURES
IMITATION DOGS
FISHING SCENES
ILLUMED Hs

AND THIS PHOTO meets all of those requirements.

THAT IS ALL.

A HOLIDAY/JURY DUTY MIRACLE

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO RECALL my Jury Duty sojourn of LAST JUNE,

YOU MAY BE INTERESTED TO KNOW that I recently received an e-mail from "WALTER," the irascible (seriously: HE WAS NOT RASCIBLE) jury pool clerk I admired so much then AND NOW:

(BEGIN quoted text)

"Hello and Thanks-

My girlfriend googled my name a while back and your .blog report on jury service came up and she read it and smiled and gave me a kiss-so thanks.

Hope your strike ends soon and you and your fellow workers come out on top or nearer to top than when you started.
take care,walter"

(END quoted text)

FROM WALTER'S ELECTRONIC MOUTH to the writers' and producers' ears.

THAT IS ALL.

I RECUSE MYSELF

I AM NOT ONE TO POST a lot of photos of myself.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE WORK SO HARD to make me look so judge-like, I have to acknowledge their hard work...

HERE ARE MORE interpretations of my painfully-occasional role as "Judge John Hodgman" for the wonderfully-weekly podcast "JORDAN, JESSE, GO!"*

LOOK, LISTEN, and you be the judge.

I TRUST YOUR SENTENCE WILL BE: "awesome."

That is all.


*Notice I added the Oxford Comma.

I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHO AM I?

THE FACT THAT Paul Reubens is considering bringing back the character of P-W Herman in a new movie is welcome news, for I trust you all agree:

PAUL REUBENS IS A NATIONAL TREASURE.

THAT SAID, the beautiful, mind-twisting fact that Pee Wee might be played by Johnny Depp only serves to prove once again:

I AM NOT MAKING UP FAKE FACTS FAST ENOUGH.

That is all.

"EMILY, YOU'RE FAMOUS TOO NOW..."

SORRY TO BE ABSENT, but I have blood and lymph draining from my ear!

(THEY TELL ME the blogs need to be personal, so there is your EAR INFECTION UPDATE of the day. I trust you're happy).

MEANWHILE, due to the intense pain and eardrum-bursting, I missed this, THOUGH I AM SURE YOU DID NOT:

COULTON vs. EMILY in ST. CHICAGO:



WHICH IS ODDER?

THIS, or Coulton being casually name-checked by NEIL GAIMAN?

OR OPTION "C": blood and lymph draining from my left ear?

VOTE NOW.

That is all.

‽

ALAN FROM THE COMMENTS provides an actual interrobang.

SWEET NITPICKING ALAN!

(with actual gratitude)

That is all.

INTERROBANG

DID ANYONE ELSE notice that Anne Helmond's photograph of the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co. from yesterday happens to include A MAN WITH AN EYE-PATCH?

!?

That is all.

AIGA AUCTION THIS SUNDAY, PLUS "POTTS"

SURELY SOME OF YOU HAVE WONDERED, who is the super-genius who designed not only the interior, but also the exterior, of your book, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE?

WELL, YOU CAN UPDATE THAT WIKIPEDIA page, for the answer is:

The renowned graphic artist SAM POTTS.

MOST OF YOU know him from The Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co., in the superhero supply district of Brooklyn, where Sam designed not only the awning but ALL of the original product labels, including BREATHABLE WATER and APPREHENDED BLOB.

SOME OF YOU may even recall Sam from his genial money-taking days at the front of the house at the old Little Gray Book lectures (which will not return this year, but maybe next).

I PERSONALLY recall him from Mr. Koestenbaum's Photo 1 class.

NOW HERE'S the new thing Sam has got me into:

THIS SUNDAY EVENING, at the big AIGA/NY dance party/annual ball, Sam and I will be auctioning off BEAUTIFUL ITEMS OF SIGNIFICANCE.

$20-35 (DEPENDING) gets you the CHANCE to bid on...

!: 2 REJECTED BOOK JACKETS BY CHIP KIDD!

!: A TOUR OF THE PHILIP JOHNSON GLASS HOUSE

!?: A MYSTERIOUS BOX OF MYSTERIES

...among other fascinating artifacts of functional design...

PLUS: the CERTAINTY of dancing and drinking wine in a beautiful room!

ALL PROCEEDS benefit the AIGA, which I am guessing stands for the American Institute of Graphic Artists*, a professional organization which I believe buys nutritious fonts for needy graphic designers**.

ALL DETAILS of the event may be found here.

Perhaps I will see you there?

That is all.

(IMAGE COURTESY: Anne Helmond)

(*I WAS RIGHT! Good symbolic information management in action!)

(**I WAS WRONG!)

MELLIE FROM ATLANTA ASKS...

MELLIE FROM ATLANTA WRITES TO ASK....

"I'm hosting a holiday party for a bunch of my alcoholic friends and I
would love to impress them by serving BRANDY SANGREES which I have
read about on your site and sound quite tasty. I cannot find a recipe for them via google and hope that you can provide this information, or did you make this up?"

WORRY NOT, "Mellie" and her alcoholic friends. The drink mentioned is very real, but unfortunately I wrote it wrong/drunk: it is spelled...

BRANDY SANGAREE

This is but ONE OF MANY "SANGAREES" (including gin and ale), and it dates back to the very first cocktail book of any note, the liquid bible of every fine mixologist, JERRY THOMAS' (sic) BARTENDER'S GUIDE.

MY FIRST GOOGLE turns up this supposedly faithful reprinting: a drink so simple as to be RUDIMENTARY...

(BEGIN quoted text)

BRANDY SANGAREE

(Use medium bar-glass.)
Take ½ teaspoonful of fine white sugar dissolved in a little water.
1 wine-glass of brandy.

Fill the glass one-third full of shaved ice, shake up well, strain into a small glass and dash a little Port wine on top. Serve with a little grated nutmeg.

(END quoted text).

BUT as this recipe comes from the INTERNET and is probably POISONED BY VIRUSES, why not to turn to the source, or the best version available thereof?...

DAVID WONDRICH'S wonderful annotation of the "The Thomas Manuscript," recently and beautifully published under the worthy imperative: IMBIBE!

SURELY THIS MAKES AS FINE A HOLIDAY GIFT as any of the Sangarees--brandy, gin, or ale?

AND SURELY IT MAKES A FINER GIFT than the Dalmatian Blood Sangaree, because WONDRICH is a national treasure and HIS BOOK IS NOT DISGUSTING.

If you have any other HOLIDAY GIFT OR ETIQUETTE questions, I encourage you to send them to me via electronic mail or via the comments.

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY, PLEASE.

That is all.

THE COMIX EVENT "WRITE-AID" IS ON DECEMBER 11

JUST TO BE CLEAR

That is all.

BE OF GOOD CHEER

Hobo Chrismoose
Originally uploaded by Kodamakitty.

HERE IS AN EXTREMELY SHINY wooden moose, courtesy Kodamakitty.

PLUS A HIDDEN MESSAGE.

MEANWHILE, if you live in or near NYC, please add this to your calendar. I cannot attend, alas, but it will be a GOOD SHOW for a WORTHY CAUSE.

(BEGIN quoted text)

WRITE-AID
A COMEDY BENEFIT FOR (STRIKING) WRITERS

ADVANCE TICKETS - $20
DAY OF SHOW TICKETS - $25

Jonesing for your favorite comedy shows? No worries -- Comix has teamed up with the Writers Guild of America, East and assembled an all-star lineup of scribes from your favorite (currently blacked-out) shows!

Join us as Andy Borowitz (CNN, National Public Radio, The New Yorker, creator of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"), Brian Kiley ("Late Night with Conan O'Brien"), Laurie Kilmartin ("The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson"), Bill Scheft ("Late Show with David Letterman"), Brian Stack ("Late Night with Conan O'Brien"), and others put down the picket signs and pick up the mike for a night of "anything goes" comedy.

Portion of proceeds go to WGAE Strike Fund. PLUS, discounted tickets for all WGA members! Simply present your WGA card at the Box Office to receive $5.00 off admission.

COMIX is located at 343 West 14th Street at 9th Avenue.

(END quoted text)

THAT IS ALL.

JONATHAN PARTICIPATED IN THAT ACTIVITY BY THE MUSIC PERSON'S STATUS

NEWSWEEK CHINA profiles "Jonathan Coulton."

HERE'S WHAT BABELFISH HAS TO SAY.

(Begin quoted text)

"Now arrived for a crucial time, we all should self-examine really needs the record company. We are glad with the traditional phonograph record management pattern which rottenly deteriorates to say very much goodbye " * This publication Reporter/Yang Shi? In American Luo river unlined upper garment 矶 Live House, Jonathan Coulton is keeping half long hair, is bringing black frame eyeglasses, he liked is same in the past, is embracing a wooden guitar, alone stood in the stage central committee, above the stage light projects in his top of the head, he started which sang own to create "Re: Your Brain ". The quite practical lyrics describes average person's ordinary life, the lyrics often is causing next piece of understanding laughing, the cheers, the applause, even also has the chorus to resound through the entire audience. But, these music lover understanding and the familiar Jonathan Coulton song certainly is not through the broadcasting station, CD, is not through the order list, but is called Thing a Week through individual website. Jonathan the work which writes oneself puts to the website in. The such independent dissemination music way starts in the music world gradually to increase, not only becomes the music person's new outlet which many not yet becomes famous, even some big sign orchestras also start to bridge over the issuing company, directly on-line sells the song. Does not send CD professional music person Jonathan Coulton this year 36 years old, 3 years ago, he or software engineer which in compiles the code in the check. On high school's time, he was vainly hoping for becomes a 摇滚 star, carries the guitar to tour to the world. Thereupon, started from the high school to write the song his university to choose the music specialty, majored in western music Shi He to compose music. Jonathan to "China Newsweek" reporter said, after the graduation actually because of the livelihood, could not but look for the work which had nothing to do with with the music. But the spare time, he still every day persisted unceasingly writes the song. In 2004, his friend has made a named Little Gray book club, each month, first formulates a subject to invite some writers to write some works again according to the subject, then calls everybody to read aloud. Jonathan participated in that activity by the music person's status, his each month writes a song according to the subject, then the scene sings. After conclusion, he can put on-line the work, but no echo. Until 2005. Because receives the friend to use My Space the inspiration, Jonathan established to be called Thing a Week to broadcast the guest website. When "starts, I on treat as it one kind of experiment. I want to let more people hear to mine song, then tells them again the friend, I very have been happy." Jonathan said. When start, Jonathan still hoped own song finally can sell by the CD form, he even own fill the system phonograph record on-line to sell, but puts in Thing a Week MP3 then completely free. "Along with comes me the website downloading person more and more many, I start to ponder over, such free provides downloading is can to my income influential, but with these not worthy of mentioning pays expenses downloading to compare, can have more people to know my music is more important." Jonathan said, that time he also goes to work in the company, therefore the music income to him said not that is important. Until the fifth song, changed his life path. He used own way to turn sang Sir Mix-a-Lot Hip the Hop famous tune "Baby Got Back". With his analogy, this first song "has become on a Internet virus". Jonathan starts to attempt in own broadcasts in the guest website to sell the song, because of that song influence, a his month through paid expenses downloads MP3 to gain more than 4,000 Dollar. Sells the way very is also out of the ordinary, he does not force opposite party to purchase, but is with one kind is called "pick your price" (you to fix a price) the way. According to the Jonathan statistics, these pay expenses downloading music lover equally each first songfest to pay about 1 US dollar. Moreover 90% music lovers all are willing to pay expenses. "I knew that, the people always are willing to be able first to hear to the music again decision are worth paying money, why is this I all puts my all songs to on-line lets the reason which the people chooses at will." Jonathan said. After opens Thing a a Week website year, he resigned from the computer company's position to become a professional music person, Jonathan said that, "I finally could depend on the music to gain the foot I daughter's nursemaid money."

(End quoted text)

THAT IS ALL.

COULTONES

The pie-in-the-window-on-the-pie would have been too paradoxical.
Originally uploaded by Jessica Donohoe.

ARE YOU A PERSON who lives in Minneapolis, Madison, Chicago, AND St. Louis?

Well then, JETSETTER, you are someone who might profit by this

QUICK DISPATCH featuring

DATES AND TIMES at which

JONATHAN COULTON shall be singing and, when not singing, speaking.

LOOK: I don't have time to key in all the urls...

(WHY? I am trying to write a BOOK)

FOR FURTHER DETAILS, look here.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

Winding down this year with a quick trip to the midwest for a few
dates, all with Paul and Storm.

Thursday December 6 at 8 PM
Varsity Theater in Minneapolis, MN
Venue: http://www.varsitytheater.org/
Tickets: http://tinyurl.com/33ez3s

Friday December 7 at 7:30 PM
Majestic Theater in Madison, WI
Venue: http://majesticmadison.com/
Tickets: http://tinyurl.com/2lzhlm

*****TWO SHOWS*******
Saturday December 8 at 7:30 PM and 10:30 PM
Schuba's Tavern in Chicago, IL
Venue: http://www.schubas.com/
Tickets: http://www.schubas.com/tickets.aspx (scroll down)

Sunday December 9 at 8 PM
Blueberry Hill in St. Louis, MO
Venue: http://www.blueberryhill.com/
Tickets: http://tinyurl.com/2n854r

END QUOTED TEXT

Meantimes: ENJOY THIS CLASSIC HOLIDAY PHOTO, courtesy: DONOHOE.

That is all.

"THE LIFE OF THE CARTOONIST WAS TO BE ENVIED INDEED..."

I SURE DO ENVY the Ape-Lad and his Indonesian shadowpuppet grandpa.

HERE'S MORE FROM BOINGBOING tv on the subject of the "Laughing Out Loud Cats," including a rare cameo from the infamous blogger...

FAKE JIM DAVIS...



I ENCOURAGE YOU TO BUY OLDE TIMEY CAT PICTURES and fan club memberships from Koford as perfect stocking stuffers.*

BUT I GOT DIBS on all Walrus Scrimshaw he may undertake this holiday season

THAT IS ALL.

*(But do not buy them for your cats. THEY WON'T APPRECIATE IT.)

JUST BECAUSE I'M ON STRIKE

...DOES NOT MEAN that Kasper Hauser has ceased creating fake Craigslist entries.

READ THEM or perish.

That is all.

I AM ON STRIKE

IT MAY SEEM SOMEWHAT UNSEEMLY to link to a video of me flitting around in my socks at the Chateau Marmont writing mole-man names while my colleagues are sitting and standing outside doing things of worth and meaning...

LIKE THIS:



JUST TO BE CLEAR, the BoingBoing footage was shot some time ago, in brighter days. While the WGA strike does not apply my book "writing" or computer advertising activities, I am a member of the WGA and I am indeed on strike.

AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, I miss those people in the video as much as you do.

AND AS I TRUST IT IS VERY CLEAR, they miss entertaining you.

LEARN MORE IN THE EAST and IN THE WEST

THAT IS ALL.

BOING

HELLO internet friends:

http://tv.boingboing.net/2007/11/16/john-hodgmans-mole-m.html

THAT IS ALL

"...and so much other stuff that it is not even f#@king funny"

IT IS NOT MY HABIT to simply reproduce here, for your consumption, E-MAILS THAT I HAVE RECEIVED.

HOWEVER, I feel it is now time to give YOUR MAN DAVE HILL his due.

I ONCE WENT TO THIS PROGRAM and saw Dick Cavett there AND Rufus WAINWRIGHT.

NO JOKE.

AS WELL, I have appeared on the program as "a guest" and I can vouch for Dave's COURTESY, PROFESSIONALISM, SUPER-GENIUS, and GOOD TASTE IN BEEF JERKY.

BUT MORE THAN THIS, all humans must enjoy and appreciate the extraordinary, unique carny-barker/mental patient patois that Dave Hill has developed over the course of MANY E-MAILS, which for some reason, to my mind, reaches its APOTHEOSIS in the following missive.

Read on....

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

The Dave Hill Explosion/Thurs. Nov. 15/9:30pm/UCB Theatre (307 West 26th St. at 8th Ave.)/$5/With extra special guest Lady Bunny and maybe someone else in addition to her who is also really great

Attention People of New York City:

This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that on Thursday, November 15 at 9:30pm, I am going to be walking out on stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in historic Chelsea and giving what critics are already calling the performance of a lifetime and I am already calling the Dave Hill Explosion. Imagine if you combined the glitz of Elvis' '68 Comeback Special with the glamour and winning attitude of Diana Ross' legendary 1983 concert in Central Park and then took both of those things and mixed them with the '70's prison documentary "Scared Straight," a pack of matches, an ordinary can of hair spray, and anything that has ever happened at the Hayden Planetarium ever and you are starting to get the picture. In short, it is going to be just slightly better than "Stomp." Adding to the mayhem is the fact that I will have the legendary Lady Bunny (whom you know from the Comedy Central roast of Pamela Anderson, Wigstock, and so much other stuff that it is not even f#@king funny) on my show next week and possibly even another incredible guest besides her. And, of course, my trusty sidebitch Phil will be there to make sure the level of professionalism people have come come to expect for five dollars is retained throughout the performance. If you see just one show next week, please consider seeing a second and then totally coming to see my show. Ha! See how I did that? That is just one example of the kind of top-notch entertainment I will be breaking out next week without even trying. Honestly, even I don't know how I do it sometimes. And to think I have access to this sh*t 24 hours a day. It's a wonder I even manage to leave the house sometimes. Anyway, I really hope you can make it next week. I have a rare heart condition* and it would really mean a lot to me. You can totally get tickets right here.

Your man,
Dave Hill
www.davehillonline.com
*I love too much. Also, I have a baboon heart. But you knew that.

END QUOTED TEXT

That is all.

THE FURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

AS THIS APPEARED ON BOINGBOINGtv, then this is likely old news to those of you using the Internet.

STILL, it is astonishingly good filmmaking.

IF NOTHING ELSE, Ms. Shaneen deserves the damned nobel prize for incredibletude for coming up with the phrase: THE FURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

That is all.

YOU ALL ALREADY KNOW THIS, OF COURSE

Laugh-Out-Loud Cats #406
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

YOU ALL ALREADY KNOW THAT THIS is the most important new daily comic strip since "LONELY BOY AND IMAGINARY TIGER."

BUT IT STRUCK ME today that Koford's "Laugh-Out-Loud Cats" is not just a daily comic, but specifically A SINGLE PANEL daily comic.

AND MORE SPECIFICALLY AND STRANGELY: a good one.

THIS, MY FRIENDS, is a bold innovation. Has Ape-Lad broken curse of PLUGGERS?*

(ONE MIGHT HAVE SAID the "Curse of Ziggy" or "Curse of Howard Huge," but that would be mean.)

(OR: ONE MIGHT HAVE SAID the "Curse of the Lockhorns." But I actually admire the sheer, misanthropic brio of those Lockhorns.)

(After all, it can't be easy to distill all the drunken, marital loathing of WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? and pour it all into a single, hate-filled funny pages panel day after day after day.

(Who would have thought THAT would work?)**

That is all.

*Hint: he has.

**Double hint: it's doesn't.

STILL ALIVE

THIS HAS SOMETHING to with the something.

SOME KIND of super orange game.

BUT YOU ARE YOUNG. You can figure out all the connections.

ALL I KNOW IS: it sounds beautiful.

That is all.

OPTIMISM

IS IT JUST ME, or do you agree that...

THIS INCREDIBLE "INTERNET VIDEO" IS AT LEAST HALF FULL?



HERE WE HAVE the marriage of the genius of GEORGE SAUNDERS with the genius of JESSE THORN

....plus the genius of PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE I KNOW OR WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

YES: we are talking about PURE GENIUS POLYGAMY, plus puppets.

CAN YOU GUESS THE IDENTITY of the whole cast????

WELL, IF YOU GO TO JESSE'S BLOG, you don't have to!

That is all.

THANK YOU, TEENAGERS

BUT FOR THE LAST TIME, my book contains no information regarding Pharaohs ruling Germany.

That is all.

HOBO SUPER HERO

ACCORDING TO SEAN IN THE COMMENTS, there is now or was once a HOBO SUPER HERO.

PERSONALLY, I cannot tell if this is an authentic artifact of the past, or an inauthentic one.

PLEASE LOOK. ARE THERE ANY COMIC BOOK DATING EXPERTS WHO MIGHT AID ME?

That is all.

ROUND THE JUNGLE FIRE

updated to be much smaller and less shouty

also: for the record, i like neal pollack. i think his writing is funny and humane, and he is clearly the butt of all of his jokes. i never got why some people like to beat up on him so, and i really don't understand why they like to beat up on his four year old son--and not just beat up on him, but to do so in electro-print, where it will haunt all of us forever. but i guess that is their sad right. if you have no idea what i'm talking about, all the better.

now here again is the original posting about choo choos and those who adore them, but in tiny tiny letters.


ACTUAL PERSON Ryan Wilson writes in via electrono-mailograph with the following bulletin regarding WHAT IS HAPPENING IN RIVERHEAD, LONG ISLAND:

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

"I know this is short notice and you probably won't read this electronic mail until after the event has passed. However, I cannot allow this to go unnoticed by you (assuming you do not know about it):

"'The Railroad Museum of Long Island will host our 2nd Annual Twin Forks Folk Music Festival and Hobo Homecoming beginning Thursday evening, September 27 through Saturday evening, September 29, 2007. '"

END QUOTED TEXT

NOW IT IS TRUE THAT, DUE TO MY EXTREMELY LAZY E-MAIL READING HABITS, we have all missed last night's opening festivities (except for those who went to them).

APPARENTLY the chief event of last night involved Hobo King Redbird Express LIGHTING A FIRE.

However, PRESUMING THERE ARE STILL SOME PARTS OF RIVERHEAD NOT CONSUMED BY FIRE, there will be more festivities tonight:

a) "Banjo" Fred Starner hosting "A Folk Music Entertainment";
b) A special appearance by LUTHER THE JET
c) Performances by THE NATIONAL HOBO GOSPEL SINGERS, an organization I would not have predicted IN A MILLION YEARS.

WILL I ATTEND? No. Because I am currently too busy with the Mole-Men.

AND ALSO: I AM AFRAID OF FIRE.

BUT ALL OF THE DETAILS are listed above, and if you go, do take a photo and send it to me via electronic transmisso-gram.

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO PUT IT ON THE INTERNET FOR YOU.

That is all.

COURTESY: The Long Island Rail Road Museum for the image of a TRAIN with the words LONG ISLAND on it. See many more HERE.

APPARENTLY, I JUST GOT RICKRULED

p9230067.jpg
Originally uploaded by discretedaniel.

COURTESY TO "Discretedaniel" for this image, from Cambridge, MA, where APPARENTLY, sidewalk chalk is still very inexpensive.

That is all.

I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO POST THIS ABSOLUTELY AUTHENTIC IMAGE FOR A LONG TIME

BUT I AM ALWAYS failing.

THANK YOU, Elizabeth Connor, for this strange convergence.

(ACTUALLY, I suspect this is not a proper convergence but a mere, striking, strange, olde-timey coincidence).

OR MAYBE SOMEONE HAS JUST BEEN MESSING WITH THE TIME MACHINE AGAIN.

That is all.

RARE SHOE CHALKING

Hobo War on Viky's shoe
Originally uploaded by Get Euphemistic!.

I ASK YOU: who sits idly by and allows their shoe to be cryptically marked with chalk?

I ASK YOU.

That is all.

SECRET MESSAGES

Laugh-Out-Loud Cats #8
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

THANK YOU for calling my attention to this one.

THAT IS ALL.

THIS IS ALL I CARE ABOUT ANYMORE

Laugh-Out-Loud Cats #257
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

That is all.

FEAR NOT, LAD

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

WE SHALL MEET, though I will never set foot on a damned paddle of any damned PADDLEBOAT, no matter what amusing sound it makes.

THOSE DEVIL MACHINES WON'T TAKE ME DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF NO MAN MADE LAKE!

That is all.

GIVEN THE NUMBER OF COMMENTS MY LAST SNACKFOOD POST PROMPTED

Hobo Funnel Cake
Originally uploaded by Kodamakitty.

....I WOULD BE REMISS not to draw your kind attention to Kodamakitty's

"HOBO FUNNEL CAKE"

OF COURSE, THE IDEA that a hobo might mark the plate without taking the cake is absurd.

A HOBO ALWAYS TAKES THE CAKE

THAT IS, AFTER ALL, the origin of the term "takes the cake."

HOWEVER, I just had some of the best funnel cake of my life just last week, and this is A FINE, EXTRA-BRAIN-SHAPED SPECIMEN INDEED, and so I honor the serendipity and say...

THANK YOU

and

THAT IS ALL.

DID YOU PEOPLE ALL KNOW THAT PLANTERS CHEESE BALLS HAD BEEN DISCONTINUED?

AND WHY didn't you tell me?

That is all.

COURTESY CAPTAIN "JOY": RAGNAROK

YOU MAY THANK the mis-nomered Cpt. "Joy" of the western coast for this actual foreboding portent, involving squirrels, the Red "Sox," and Ragnarok.

AS REPORTED by the NY Times and confirmed by YALE UNIVERSITY.

Registration required? CHECK.

FOR THAT IS HOW THE NY TIMES DOES BUSINESS.

That is all.

BUMBERSHOOT

WHAT FINER CITY to catch both COULTON and the RUDE MECHANCALS' live production of REESIAN CLIP ART COMICS OF RAGE than Seattle?

NO FINER CITY, for that's where it's all happening.

Plus: MIRMAN, SCHAAL, REDD, m'er-f'ing CROWDED HOUSE?

COULD THIS BE THE GREATEST BUMBERSHOOT EVER?

End of rhetorical questions.

That is all.

HERE IS COULTON AT THE PAX EVENT

THE PAX EVENT apparently is a convention for thousands of decaying zombies.

I WISH I HAD BEEN THERE.

That is all.

SATISFIED?

THE PROPER SPELLING IS:

"Glennnn."

That is all.

SHIBUMI

Hobo Go
Originally uploaded by greyaenigma.

THE CRANES ARE IN the nest.

LOOK IT UP.

That is all

COURTESY: Glen

BLACK SQUIRREL INVASION

A DISPATCH FROM THE FRONT LINES of the black squirrel invasion that apparently was WRITTEN BY A CAT.

THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL.

That is all.

Courtesy: Catymology

POST SCRIPT: I must second the cat's fondness for this CANADIAN SONG celebrating "Vicky," the black squirrel of Victoria Park, London, Ontario, CANADA.

CO. THE DETROIT EDISON

"Detroit Edison" would be a good hobo name...
Originally uploaded by Kodamakitty.

I HAVE BEEN REMISS in calling attention to my favorite photographs of manholes and other things.

FORGIVE ME, Kodamakitty, and thank you.

THAT IS ALL.

I'M SORRY, IAN, NO

TO RESPOND QUICKLY TO IAN, from the comments, I am not in Boston to do any readings. I am only here to do some writings.

THAT IS ALL.

THANK YOU, ADRIANE

THANK YOU, ADRIANE, from the comments, for the link to STUBHUB.

A VERY USEFUL RESOURCE; if, in the future, I ever have need to see a sporting spectacle again, I shall turn there, and think gratefully back to your help.

THAT IS ALL.

THE BOSTON RED SOX

AFTER DISCUSSING IT WITH INTERNET GURU "COULTON," I have decided this is the best way to do this.

AS YOU KNOW, I DISLIKE SPORTS; however, certain members of my family who are too young to know better have started professing a like for the YANKEES BASEBALLERS.

I HAVE TRIED REPEATEDLY to explain why this is an error.

NOW I AM BRIEFLY IN MY HOMETOWN OF BROOKLINE, MA, and my only
hope for reeducating the youth of today is via DIRECT FENWAY PARK IMMERSION, which is to say:

I REQUIRE THREE TICKETS TO THE HOMETOWN BALL GAME TOMORROW (SUNDAY), the 2:05PM game against the LOS ANGELES ANGELICS.

I AM WILLING TO PAY FACE VALUE for these tickets. I will meet the current owner of these tickets at BROOKLINE BOOKSMITH where I will pay in cash or check, and I will also buy that person a copy of my book (IF IT IS AVAILABLE) and sign it IN INK.

SUCH IS THE TRANSACTION I PROPOSE. You know how to reach me. I regret to have drawn you all into this family vendetta.

THAT IS ALL.

.28 SPEAKS

I REGRET I have been away for so long. I have been traveling and without a steady stream of ELECTRONIC INFORMATION PACKETS DELIVERED VIA THE AIR.

BUT NOW I HAVE THEM, including this very interesting packet from one who claims to be ".28", a numbered member of the mysterious EARONS. From the comments...

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

" .28 said...

"Anonymity is a great thing. At this point of my musical journey, in order to get a record deal, what you look like and the color of your skin determines the genre that you’ll be put in. That thing we call musical category. For me, music has always been universal. The concept of The Earons was designed to listen to the music and forget whether we had long hair, green hair, “punk” hair, black or white, listen to the music, and have a good time. I will always be grateful to Chris Blackwell for taking us and giving us a chance at Island Records to explore this concept we call The Earons.

"Were in a Land of Hunger, a land of waste, kinda makes you wonder about this place.

"We not only hunger for food but we hunger for love and understanding here on earth.

"PEACE TO ALL, ( .28)"

END QUOTED TEXT

.28 IS STILL MYSTERIOUS, but obviously welcome here should the WHITE MOTORCYCLE HELMET OF DESTINY ever wish to make contact again.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE, members and non-members of the EARONS alike.

That is all.

FURTHER EVIDENCE

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

...THAT THE HOBOES are the new pirates.

Thank you, LAD.

That is all.

BLOGROLLING IN OUR TIME

SORRY TO BE ABSENT, especially since Jane Espenson wrote such a nice thing the other day.

DESPITE HER RIDICULOUSLY NICE PRAISE, the little apple grace-note to this line is about as fine a joke as anything:

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

"If you follow this link, you'll be taken to his blog entry which then links back here. Theoretically, you might never get out of the loop, so bring an apple."

END QUOTE TEXT

AND SO THE MOBIUS BLOGSTRIP continues. Awk-ward.

That is all.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WEBSITES THAT ACTUALLY FUNCTION

THEN MAY I RECOMMEND Jane Espenson's blog about writing and lunching?

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE SOME KIND OF CRAZY PERSON not to read, enjoy, and profit from her good advice.

I HAPPEN TO BE AN ESPECIAL FAN of her recent post on the subject of punchline abuse:

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

"I have it on good authority that no fewer than three of the new pilots for Fall series use "That went well" as a punchline. Nooooo! Have I accomplished nothing?!

I also hereby call clam on these mollusks:

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

And

(sing-song) "Awkward!"

And

"I said, 'good day, Sir!'"

Really, people, even in real life, don't use these! They're past their expiration date and they will make you ill. An excellent rule of thumb is "if you've read it, don't write it; if you've heard it, don't say it." Adapt it, sure. Or make fun of it if you want -- use it ironically. But don't expect a genuine laugh.

END QUOTED TEXT

But do read ON.

That is all.

www.areasofmyexpertise.com

I AM NOT SURE why the main website is failing, but I am

LOOKING INTO IT.

That is all.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS THING CALLED THE "YOU-TUBE"

APPARENTLY it is a video service devoted to AMAZING NATIONAL TREASURES.

This one is named GREG PATTILLO.

The DOUBLE-GUITAR SAVANT from the earlier post is named ZACK KIM.

That is all.

DOUBLE BOING BOING

I HATE TO POACH from Boing Boing twice in a day.

BUT I AM TELLING YOU this is the most beautiful thing I've seen since The Earons first debuted their smash Braxtonian hit "Land of Hunger."

THAT IS ALL

ENIGMA-UPDATED LINK

WE TAKE A BRIEF PAUSE our previous enigma to bring you...

AN ACTUAL ENIGMA

Courtesy: BOINGBOING.

(Sorry for the bad link before).

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED EARON MINDFREAK.

That is all.

THE EARONS ARE NOT THE RESIDENTS

THIS I KNOW for sure.

BUT FRIZELLE is correct: I am losing my mind.

MEANWHILE: an Earon progress report from the comments.

THE ACRONYMED T.A.M.S.Y. turns up an extremely plausible theory re: the true, non-numerical identity of several of the Earons...

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

The good news is that the all-seeing eye of the Google has indeed unmasked the true identity of the Earons, although it took a bit of squinting. The band appears to have been based in New York — or anyway, three of its presumed members previously played with bands based there (Melvin Lee, Kevin Nance and Alonzo "Lonnie" Ferguson comprised 60% of the disco-funk band Machine; Nance also played with the eccentrically punctuated B.B.&Q. Band, a.k.a. the Brooklyn, Bronx and Queens Band). The other two members of the band appear to have been Henry Pizzicarola, who has mysteriously vanished, and Percival Prince, who is a British airplane.

END QUOTED TEXT

THIS IS A PROMISING LEAD, yet even unmasked, these Earons remain mysterious. Where are Lee, Nance, and "Lonnie," now, and what are they wearing for head protection these days?

AND HOW DID HENRY PIZZICAROLA DISAPPEAR?

Several others, including JESSE, pointed out the allmusic.com/wikipedia standard text...

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

"A band whose gimmick proved more intriguing than most of their music, the Earons were a funk variation on Sun Ra's cosmic mythology approach, with a little bit of Anthony Braxton's mathematical obsession added. They claimed to come from "Earon Earth," and all the members were known only by numbers. They did have one outstanding single, the hard-hitting and musically arresting "Land of Hunger" in 1984. It deserved a better fate in R&B circles than its ultimate stalling out at number 36. Still, this was the only one of three Earons singles that even made it beyond number 50, and they soon disappeared, probably returning to "Earon Earth."

END QUOTED TEXT

BUT LISTEN, I was a freeform DJ at WMFO in Medford, MA. I know me some Sun Ra and I know me some Anthony Braxton.

APART FROM GENERAL, BEAUTIFUL NUT-JOBBERY, what is it exactly about masked men in white jumpsuits saving blonde white people from moving tiny levers in an abandoned oil derrick that suggests the work of Anthony Braxton?

OR DOES THE AUTHOR OF THIS CITATION KNOW MORE than he/she is letting on? Does he/she have access to primary sources other than this video? And who is the author anyway.

DOES HE OR SHE HAVE A NAME? Or a number.

The internet awaits the answers.

As do I.

That is all.

KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDER ABOUT THIS PLACE

THIS WEEK I will be commenting exclusively on this video.

IT IS CALLED "Land of Hunger" and it by the EARONS.

YOUR EYES ARE CORRECT: the members of this band are wearing matching white jumpsuits and matching white full-faced motorcycle helmets.

As if that is not enough, THEY ARE ONLY IDENTIFIED BY NUMBER.

VERDICT: THE BEST.

If the Internet was designed to remember only one thing, HOW COULD IT NOT BE THIS BAND?

AND YET: literally for years, I could find no information on them, nor even confirmation that they existed.

I HAD, YOU SEE, forgotten their name (hint: it's "The Earons.")

AND ALL GOOGLE SEARCHES for "white jumpsuits white motorcycle helmets" proved fruitless.

AFTER ALMOST A DECADE (yes: true), I had to conclude either...

a) I had hallucinated the whole thing;

or b) this band was the one bit of cultural ephemera to have escaped the internet.

FOR as anonymous singers wearing face-obscuring headgear are wont to do, THEY SEEMED TO HAVE DISAPPEARED.

Until this past weekend.

Thanks to the aid of two friends with better memories than me, THIS VIDEO CAME TO LIGHT, and I am very grateful.

YET THE VIDEO IS INCOMPLETE, and still many mysteries remain...

WHO WERE THEY?

WHY DID THEY DO THIS? WITH THE HELMETS AND THE JUMPSUITS?

WHY IS THE APOCALYPTIC FUTURE POPULATED BY PEOPLE DRESSED LIKE OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, AND WHY DO THE EARONS NEED TO CHANGE INTO MATCHING WHITE TURBANS TO SAVE THEM?

AGAIN: WHY?

If you or anyone you know has further information on this band or this song, I URGE YOU TO PLEASE POST IT IMMEDIATELY IN THE COMMENTS.

WE WILL SOLVE THIS MYSTERY TOGETHER.

That is all.

THANK YOU LARPERS

166. Dora the Explorer
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

THANK YOU LARPERS for responding to my question of yesterday.

NOW: DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH THE CENTRIFIGUAL CASTING OF D&D MINIATURES?

Because that would be awesome.

MEANWHILE: Lad's eerie photo of a DORA THE EXPLORER "ICE" "CREAM" "NOVELTY."

That is all.

ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS

SinkH.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

Courtesy: HOBOGIRL

I have a question: do LARP battles ever take place at Ren Faires? Or IS ONE ANATHEMA TO THE OTHER.

Please advise.

THAT IS ALL.

ANOTHER APE-FOUND "H"

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

That is all.

'I BET THIS OX WAS DELICIOUS"

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

COURTESY: lad

Minimal internet this week, but I SHALL TRY.

That is all.

SINCE I HAVE NOT BEEN RULING THE WEB LATELY

I RECOMMEND that you visit someone who does.

MARK FRAUENFELDER, as all nine of you likely know, is the reason the entire, surprising, deranged, and beautiful E-HOBO project began.

HE IS A FRIEND, and a kind of visionary, and I say that even though I do not believe he has blood in his veins but PURE CURIOSITY.

That is all.

"THEY SHOWED UP, BUT THEY WERE DISQUALIFIED FROM SERVING DUE TO BEING NONHUMAN."

FROM THE COMMENTS, MORE INFORMATION on the mysterious WALTER.

COURTESY: the mysterious DON.

NOTE ALSO THE PHOTO, as that is indeed the room where I served. This article states that it is but a temporary exile for Walter while his true domain at 100 Centre St. is being renovated.

AND YET THIS ARTICLE APPEARED IN 2004.

That is all.

IMAGE COURTESY: Elizabeth Robert and "The Villager"

THE MAN'S NAME WAS WALTER

AS I WAS ESCAPING jury duty yesterday, I learned that the white-haired, sharp-tongued jury clerk quoted throughout this blog was, and is, named Walter.

IF YOU MEET HIM, do not cross him.

AND SAY HELLO.

That is all.

I'M SPRUNG

OUR WHITE HAIRED LEADER IS BACK and looks forward to seeing us again in four years.

FAREWELL justice.

FAREWELL leader.

Back to my regular every-four-years blogging schedule.

THAT IS ALL

DIDN'T MAKE THE FIRST JURY

NOT EVEN THE VOIRE DIRE...

BACK IN THE JURY ROOM NOW. Our white-haired leader is gone, replaced by a Charles Durning impersonator calling out names for the new panel.

WHILE ADMIRABLY GRUFF in his own way, his mic skills are very poor. Popping Ps all over the place.

BUT MY NAME HAS NO P, and it was not called. I await my fate.

That is all.

I'M GLAD I'M NOT ON THIS JURY

COURTESY jt and Amanda for the link.

THAT IS ALL.

I HAVE BEEN EMPANELED

...BUT NOT YET selected for a jury.

I do not know if I will see our white-haired friend again.

IS THIS JUSTICE?

That is all.

I'M SURE HE SAYS THAT TO ALL THE JURORS

THE LATEST UP DATE FROM THE JURY POOL CLERK, A TALL SKINNY MAN WITH A MOP OF SNOWY WHITE HAIR:

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

"We're still waiting to hear from the expediters as to whether there is any COURT ACTION coming up. In the meantime you're still doing great. The chief court reporter, who's been here for 25 years, just walked through and said this is the most alert group of jurors he's ever seen. so you should all be very proud of yourselves."

END QUOTED TEXT

I have capitalized the words COURT ACTION, for that is how he pronounces them. As in...

"OK. Everyone just stay patient. I'll let you know when you might get to see some COURT ACTION."

or

"Stand by for COURT ACTION."

Meanwhile, I just want to say that I thought SURF'S UP was actually pretty great.

STANDING BY FOR COURT ACTION
THAT IS ALL.

THE GREATEST PRIVILIEGE OF CITIZENSHIP

JURY DUTY CONTINUES.

I will update as possible/necessary.

That is all.

CIVILIZATION AND ANARCHY

THE LATEST UPDATE FROM THE SNOWY-HAIRED CLERK OF JURY ROOM 1121--

Begin quoted text:

"The word we have now is that there are still two cases going through pre-trial hearings. It's not clear at that time whether they are going to be taking any jurors today, or whether you can go home. So it tight. It's really good to remember as you wait here that you are the only thing standing right now between civilization and anarchy. So, thank you. You're doing a great job."

ALSO, from the comments SEAN notes the following re: THE JUROR's ORIENTATION FILM:

"Sean said...

The orientation film is called "Your Turn" and is available online here."

AND APPARENTLY he said this at exactly.

2:36 PM

THAT IS ALL.

A CORRECTION, AND A FURTHER OBSERVATION

CORRECTION: The drowning in the jury orientation film is a witch ACQUITTAL. If the person in question had indeed been a witch, she would have floated. MY APOLOGIES.

FURTHER OBSERVATION: The snowy-haired, uncle-sam-ish jury pool clerk has amazing mic skils.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

"IF YOU DO NOT SIGN OUT WHEN YOU LEAVE, YOU WILL BE CONSIDERED AWOL. WHEN THIS HAPPENS, YOU THE JUROR WILL BE FILLED WITH ANGER AND RESENTMENT, AND WE THE CLERKS WILL BE FILLED WITH RIGHTEOUSNESS. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN"

That is all.

I AM ON JURY DUTY TODAY

HOWEVER, the city of NY provides wireless to public servants.

SO FAR, I have not been sequestered, and so I trust it is not illegal to pass along these OBSERVATIONS

1) They are still showing the "trial by ordeal film" they were showing 5 years ago, including the MOCK WITCH EXECUTION.

2) The floors are very shiny.

3) I am already hungry.

Meanwhile, I hope very much you will go support MCSWEENEY'S.

Double meanwhile, if anyone lives near Montana, perhaps you can verify this curious electronic mail I received and APOLOGIZE on my behalf, for as some of your have already learned the hard way, I REGRET I DO NOT CREATE HOBO NICKNAMES ON COMMISSION.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

My coworkers and I at the Bozeman dairy queen have developed a hopeless addiction to your audio book it started 3 months ago when we first used it to quench the griping boredom of working at a summer Ice cream place in the cold parts of winter. We now listen to it on almost every shift. (It sounds weird but true). We are most taken with the 700 hobo names in all we have listed to it at lest 20 times strait throw, Many times back to back. Well all this long explanation has lead up to the question
Can you create 3 hobo names for me and my 2 coworkers?
If yes please tell us the information you will need to craft these names.


Sincerely
Steven Babbitt

END QUOTED TEXT

If you go there and meet Steven, please have a Blizzard on me. Send me the receipt care of the PO Box in my book--be sure to have Steven sign it--and I will reimburse you.

THAT IS ALL, FOR NOW

I hope they do not ask me to drown a witch.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR ADAM STEIN

EVERYONE KNOWS that I endorse STEIN in the good fight to become the next GLAMOUR MAGAZINE "Jake."

YOU MAY VOTE NOW, IF YOU WISH.

And NEVER FORGET his other, non-GLAMOUR project, THE PETERSONS. ("Matt Saldivar" is the rave.)

That is all.

COURTESY: Krucoff for the finest photo.

ONCE AGAIN, TELEVISION DIVIDES US

THE EVER-AWESOME, EVER-BLOGGING Lindsay Robertson notes the divided response to last night's discussion of MIXED MARTIAL ARTS on television.

INDEED, Lindsay cites Ryan "Rambling" Rhodes's comment that "...if you've ever grappled, you'd know it's about as 'homoerotic' as getting hit in the face with a rake and is, in fact, exhausting, fierce and competitive combat."

SETTING ASIDE FOR THE MOMENT the thriving, erotic "rake-face-hitting" subculture, I concede that Ryan raises A FAIR POINT.*

THE GRAPPLING SPORTS have a long history, and "THE GROUND GAME," as it's called, is indeed a kind of mental and phsyical chess.

(Or at least, I know this from my research. Ryan is correct in presuming my own fisticuff history is limited: I was ONCE ELBOWED IN THE CHEST on the subway, and then I GRABBED THAT GUY'S NECK once in college.)

HOWEVER, I want to clarify that the footage was not shown in slo-mo for comedic effect. Nor did I or the staff of television have to search hard for these examples.

Indeed, if you watch MMA (and I have done, and I enjoyed it, and I will do so again), this is where pretty much every bout ends up: GUYS ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR.

I CERTAINLY DO NOT MEAN THESE FIGHTERS OR THEIR CRAFT ANY DISRESPECT, and not just because I do not want them to break my forehead in half.

Some of the fighters I watched were incredibly skilled, and Karo "The Heat" Parisyan in particular KICKS ASS.

Some of them, though, seemed to be merely artless brawlers ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR HALF NAKED.

EITHER WAY, IT WOULD BE A VIOLATION OF COMEDY if I were to avoid pointing out just how prevalent this aspect of the sport is, and how it would look to a space alien, or a non-fighter, or even, I daresay, to a portion of the MMA audience who do not know about the long history of the grappling arts: THE FIGHTERS SOMETIMES LOOK LIKE THEY ARE LOVING EACH OTHER.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Nothing, I suspect, that Ryan does not already know.

FIGHTING IS INTIMATE. I know that just from grabbing a guy's neck.** You're up close, often closer than you are when actually having sex with someone. In real life, it's scary and exhilirating and awful all at once. In a sporting situation, I can see how that potent mix of violence and bonding can also be joyful and awesome.

At the end of one of the bouts I watched CHRIS "THE CRIPPLER" LEBEN, still electric-eyed with excitement even though he lost, kiss his opponent in congratulations on the cheek. He didn't do it because some comedy writer told him to do it so he could write a joke about it later.

He did it spontaneously, genuinely, BECAUSE THERE IS A NATURAL, AUTHENTIC, AWESOME INTIMACY TO KICKING ASS--and competition in general--and that's part of its appeal.

THAT SAID, RYAN AND I CAN AGREE ON ONE FACT: I am a pasty, doughy gonad.

THAT IS ALL.

*Albeit, I realize now, one that relies on the ludicrous fallacy that "homo-erotic" is a synonym for "sissified."

**He deserved it.

SORRY, LEN

PLEASE SEE CORRECTION BELOW: not Glenn, but LEN.

That is all.

HOW IT'S DONE

How I Did It
Originally uploaded by jawboneradio.

HERE IS LEN, aka "JAWBONE's" take on COULTON'S REVEALING AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

That is all.

VOTE HOOK

TONY FAULKNER of the PORTLAND, OREGON DAWKINS-FAULKNERS reports from that fine city of bridges and neo-burlesque...

THE EMERGENCE OF AN INTRIGUING PUBLIC FIGURE

OVER TO TONY:

"Being as how you have a vested interest in such people holding public office, I'm pleased to introduce Steve Novick (if I'm the first Oregonian to share)."

NOVICK, according to his perfectly named website, he is a progressive with "a hard left hook."

AT THE TENDER AGE OF 14 was he sent loose upon the hard streets of Oregon after the closing of his Junior High School due to budget cuts...

(AS YOU MAY KNOW, Oregon regularly ranks very highly in US News & World Report's annual MOST DICKENSIAN STATE list)

...BUT RATHER THAN TURN TO A LIFE OF HOOK-HANDED PICKPOCKETING, he instead enrolled IN HARVARD LAW SCHOOL AT THE AGE OF 18, later acting as lead counsel in the Love Canal case.

AND WHAT'S MORE, he is the only candidate for Senate who begins his official bio with a trivia question--so you know he has my vote.

(NOTE: I CANNOT VOTE IN OREGON)

SHOULD STEVE NOVICK PREVAIL and become a US Senator, he would, under obscure Oregonian law, be but A HOOK-HAND FROM THE PRESIDENCY.

NO MATTER YOUR AFFILIATION AND POLITICAL BELIEFS, I trust you will watch his candidacy with interest.

THAT IS ALL.

Photo courtesy www.votehook.com

COULTON: FAMOUS

FROM THE COMMENTS, Molly alerts that Coulton is on YOUTUBE's "FEATURED VIDEOS" list at this very moment.

WITH THIS AND HIS RECENT EXPOSURE in the Magazine of record, it is clear that my old feral man-child friend has eclipsed my own small measure of renown.

I SUPPOSE FOR THE NEXT BOOK he will just have to tour with the Geico Cavemen.

THAT IS MY FATE

THAT IS ALL.

WHILE I MAINTAIN A POLICY AGAINST MANIPULATED IMAGES....

Tramps!, fighting! Now in Amazing Technicolor.
Originally uploaded by ct.pope.

...I NOW ACKNOWLEDGE THAT

This image from CT Pope was INEVITABLE

and VERY WELCOME.

I have no idea what he's talking about re: PRETTY LITTLE POPPY. Frankly, that bit is all just spooky.

THAT IS ALL.

KOTTKE SENT ME THIS IMAGE

...via the incredible SHORPY

AND I AM SAYING "thank you."

THAT IS ALL.

LOOK FOR THE LABEL WITH THE SHIP THAT SAILS THE OCEAN

Probably the most important commercial of all time.

THAT IS ALL

JENNIFER KARADY

FYI

Is the creator of the COULTON image below.


That is all

I TRUST YOU ALL SAW AARON WILLIAMSON IN THE NEW YORK TIMES MAGAZINE?

coulton & me
Originally uploaded by HaqDiesel.

HERE IS A PHOTO OF THE MAN HIMSELF

(WITH COULTON in the foreground)

YOU MAY ALSO READ ABOUT DR. "SHAGGILY HANDSOME," as he was known at Bacon Academy, here.

AND FROM THE VERY SAME ISSUE, here is an update on Neal Pollack's DANCE FEVER.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY all this printed matter.

BUT MEANWHILE: congratulations, Aaron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM IN THE COUNTRY WITH LIMITED ACCESS TO ELECTRONICS

h!
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

BUT IN THIS BRIEF MOMENT AWAY, Ape Lad once again comes through with CONTENT.

YOU CAN SEE AND CONTRIBUTE more Hs and more sunrays here.

THAT IS ALL.

AND A DOLLAR SHORT

I REALIZED THIS MORNING that I missed one critical photo in my COULTON-PHYSICAL-AFFECTION-ROUNDUP of yesterday.

I DON'T RECALL who took this photo.

PLEASE REMIND ME, if you do.

THAT IS ALL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE

JoCo and a Stuffed Weasel
Originally uploaded by pasquinade.

BUT I DOUBT it's legal

That is all

COURTESY: pasquinade

MORE LOVIN'

Jonathan Coulton and Neal
Originally uploaded by CarrieLu.

COURTESY CarrieLu

That is all

COULTON SWEATS FOR PAUL AND STORM

finale
Originally uploaded by cyaneyed.

AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE

That is all

courtesy cyaneyed

MORE LOVE FROM COULTON

Jonathan Coulton & Kynan
Originally uploaded by chrubuky.

COURTESY chrubuky

That is all.

FIRST OF MAY, FIRST OF MAY, OUTDOOR COULTON STARTS TODAY

CIMG6901
Originally uploaded by shadixpn.

TODAY, for every reason you can guess, I am only going to blogging photographs of JONATHAN COULTON MAKING LOVE.

IF YOU HAVE MORE, please share them with me. The world must know.

BE SURE TO VISIT the official FIRST OF MAY posting and listen to the lovely sounds of loving outside at Coulton's website.

THAT IS ALL.

Courtesy: shadixpn, for the love

AND ONE MORE BEARMAN

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS ONE: Heaven's Gate, the sequel...

That is all.

PURSUANT TO BRASS EYE

cakeshirt
Originally uploaded by Status Frustration.

THIS WILL MAKE SENSE if you do what I tell you to do below.

Courtesy Status Frustration for the photo, and Dennis DiClaudio for the original tip off to Jesse.

That is all.

"THESE VAST CAT HEADS WERE BUILT UNDERGROUND, AND SEEN BY NO ONE"

FURTHER CRITICAL CULTURAL PRODUCT REVEALED TODAY ON YOUR "WORLD WIDE INTERNET":

BrassEye

JESSE THORN discovers a hidden internettal cache of one of the least-seen (in the US) and yet most important and influential comedy "programmes" ever to be released in the UK.

WHAT'S MORE, someone has gone through the incredible trouble of DUBBING IT ALL INTO ENGLISH.

I tell you: SOME PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.

That is all.

BEARMAN, SNOWMAN, AND JACK KIRBY

DO NOT DELAY, go and read the latest BEARMAN DISPATCH in Wired, which deals with the Iranian hostage crisis, a fake science fiction film, and yes, the King, and prepare to have your brain bent in amazed delight ONCE MORE.

IF YOU DO NOT KNOW JOSHUAH BEARMAN, here is what you should know...

HE SPELLS HIS NAME with a redundant H.

HE WRITES AND BLOGS from LA, weekly.

HE IS AN ACE lecturer on the subject of Sasquatch and giant chinese Prairie Dogs (Bearman begins about halfway through the program, though by all means LISTEN TO THE WHOLE THING).

HE IS THE WORLD'S PRIMARY RESEARCHER on the fight to get the competitive classic arcade game circuit, which research has led to the new documentary KING OF KONG.

HE IS THE AUTHOR OF THE VERY FINEST "True Life Tale" that we never published (for the full story, go here. Again, Bearman begins halfway through the program that you should LISTEN TO IN ITS ENTIRETY).

and

HE IS A SUPER GENIUS WHO MUST BE HEARD

That is all.

(Courtesy Arthur Jones at the Post-It Note Reading Series for the snowman illustration, and the very talented, very, very patient Kevin Guilfoile for the "True Life Tale" linked above).

"TWO WORDS: NUDIE PICS"

...OR THUS SPAKE "PUNKIN" in response to my request for how to finally close my MYSPACE account.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS, ranging from the ingenious to the plain wily, INCLUDED:

--BEING MEAN TO TOM (Annje).
A fine idea, but surely there is nothing I can say to TOM that he hasn't already heard a 1000 times more meanly, and in 1337 no less?

--POSTING EXCERPTS OF MY OWN BOOK on my myspace and then complaining about copyright infringement (Chris).
Also very clever, but unfortunately this would not constitute "copyright infringement" but instead would merely cause the universe to collapse upon itself.

--POSTING A DAILY SHOW VIDEO on my myspace page and waiting for Viacom to sue me (hobogirl).
As much as I love a lawsuit, hobogirl's plan has one fatal flaw: judging from youtube, NO SUCH VIDEOS EXIST!

--SPAMMING PEOPLE (meredith).
Sorry. Already taken care of.

--NUDIE PICS (punkin)
While this would certainly handle the problem ably, I really could not bring myself to do this. The worst I think I could do would be to post obscure sexual euphemisms. Such as "handling the roblem ably." RIBALD!

--I SHOULD BECOME SOMEONE ELSE (ct pope).
No good. Frankly, I am barely the person I am.

--EVERYONE ELSE FLAGGING MY PICTURE AS INAPPROPRIATE (cpt joy)
Captain Joy tried this, and myspace offered to report me as a sex offender. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS.

--AND FINALLY, this recipe from gg:

"I turned the background and text the same bright color red (#FF0000), renamed it "FUCK", added 10 blog entries of Misfits lyrics ("I got something to say / I killed your baby today / And it doesn't matter much to me / As long as its dead") and embedded every stolen clip from FOX networks I could find. For a user avatar, I went to 4chan - /b/, of course - and asked nicely for the worst picture that wonderful community could provide."

GG REPORTS that his/her site was removed within an hour.

BEFORE I UNDERTAKE THIS COURSE OF ACTION, HOWEVER, I suppose I will first resort to the measure which is more in tune with my own timid heart:

THE STRONGLY WORDED LETTER.

I shall keep you posted of my progress as I go forward, with the caveat that

a) MY PROGRESS SHALL BE SLOW

because

b) I DO NOT REALLY CARE ALL THAT MUCH.

Thank you for your help, and

THAT IS ALL