THE SECRET DEATH OF LOBSTERS

APPARENTLY THERE ARE MORE THAN 45 WAYS to kill a lobster.

HERE ARE TWO MORE OF THEM, courtesy THE SECRET LIFE OF LOBSTERS via BOING BOING, including the device pictured, the Avure HPP.



THE LOBSTER is placed in the chamber, along with water, a substance that the lobster knows well and feels very comfortable in.

THEN THE PRESSURE BEGINS, and the lobster's old pal "water" suddenly becomes its greatest enemy, as the water pressure grows to three times that found at the greatest depths of the ocean.

TO PARAPHRASE C-3P0, THE LOBSTER SHOULD BE QUITE WELL PROTECTED, should it survive the process, that is.

ACTUALLY, NO: the lobster not only dies, but conveniently for all but the lobster, the process has the added benefit of instantly separating its delicious raw flesh from its disgusting, hateful shell.

THUS ALLOWING, for the first time, a raw lobster to be shucked while still disgustingly whole.



THIS IS THE METHOD WHOLE FOODS HAS CHOSEN to humanely kill the lobsters it will sell.

BUT NATURALLY THE NUTCRACKER INDUSTRY IS UP IN ARMS, as well as the Boiling Council.

That is all.

I DON'T KNOW IF PHIL WILL LIKE IT

BUT I AM INTERESTED, very interested indeed, in hearing Bourdain rant magnificently on the subject of SANDRA LEE and other sins of the Food Network.

COURTESY, as always, the excellent DETHRONER.

THAT IS ALL.

HEY, PHIL!

FROM THE COMMENTS, Adam asks...

"Is that actor Ryan Stiles as the security guard in the advert Security?" (sic)

BY "SECURITY," Adam refers to the very latest in television advertising of computers.

BY "ADVERT," Adam means "I am secretly British."

BUT THE WORRISOMELY TALL person in those ads is not Ryan Stiles, but the great, different person named SETH MORRIS, known for his directorship of the UCB Theater WEST.

IF YOU WISH MORE INFORMATION, PHIL CAN PROVIDE IT.

THE REST, as always, is a mystery to me.

That is all.

AS MUCH AS I WANT PHIL TO BE HAPPY

I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS to any Playmobil where I am at the moment.

That is all.

HAPPY NOW PHIL?

THIS POST is for Phil, who is concerned that I have not posted enough recently.

That is all.

THIS IS SO FREAKING MAGICAL

I CANNOT BELIEVE that I missed it, both in reality, and then on the internet.

That is all.

LET ME LAY SOME BEATBOXING ON YOU

SINCE I SPENT THE GREATER PART OF THE MORNING slaving over this, I thought I'd get some extra use out of this longwinded comment on Jesse's THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA BLOG.

FOR THE FULL STORY, start here. I don't know why I get so huffy about this. Yes I do.

A) I love public radio, and I think Jesse's critique is not only valid, but is motivated by his own love for the form.

B) I found the public radio reporter's insults of Jesse to be annoying.

C) I don't feel like doing my real work this morning, nor have I taken any photographs of PLAMOBILS for you.

As always, internet, MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WILL.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

Hello

I think your letter, Jesse, was devastating and, to use some young-people's lingo, "right on."

Now having listened to the piece, I can't say I totally agree with your implication that Kalish didn't know what he was talking about. He clearly has been thinking about the subject for a while, and his curiosity and thoughtfulness in the piece are genuine.

But it would be disingenuous to suggest that the overall tone of the piece was not condescending, both toward the rap and the intelligence of the listener. The weekend edition intro to the piece actually borders on the contemptuous, though Kalish cannot really be held accountable for that.

But tone aside I just don't get what the story is here. Apparently there are street performers on the NYC subway! Yet Kalish does not do a story about the wacky, wild scene that goes down when guys come through the cars singing "FIRE NEXT TIME," or the car-to-car conga sessions sessions or breakdance circles that I've seen since moving to NYC in 1994.

Personally, I'd be furious if someone came into the C train and started cursing in front of my five year old. It actually happens all the time in NYC, but when it's a performer/captive audience situation, it gets more complicated and galling in equal measures. I think Kalish did well to challenge the performers on this, but he didn't exactly hold their feet to the fire on it either.

Finally, there is Kalish's gloss on the phenomenon as a return to hip hop's roots. I think that's an interesting point to make. But at the same time, it seemed to suggest that freestyling had somehow disappeared for several decades and is now just coming back. I'm not an expert by any means, but that can't be true, can it?

No--these points are all so under-explored that they feel like feints for what I can only conclude is Kalish's main story here: rap music "forced" on shocked subway riders. Some recoil in horror, some discover a new respect for this art form and their urban neighbors. Everyone turns off their radio happy.

A nice narrative cliche as it goes, but there's a problem: it doesn't seem to really be happening. The subway riders that Kalish turned to for the google-eyed-suburban-outrage reaction he seemed to expect basically offered instead a sane response: "that's life in NYC, and I kinda like it."

Yeah. Me too.

The only person who legitimately seemed agog in this situation was Kalish. So in this sense, I think it indeed works as a personal essay, charting one man's reaction to an interesting but hardly groundbreaking social phenomenon.

But even if we redefine the piece this way, it's still a personal essay about the boisterous invasion of an traditionally black music into the closed space of a subway car, where the boisterous, loud musicians quasi-literally hold captive an audience of (Kalish presumes) non-rap listeners.

Jesse is right: this is exoticism, and I share his offense. It's also, in my opinion, boring. I hear the cafeterial ladies rolled their eyes when the kids from Fame started dancing on the tables, too. Stop press.

Kalish is right to defend his record as a reporter and clarify its status as a freelance piece. He's certainly free to disagree with Jesse's assessment of the piece and NPR's cultural coverage in general.

But I think the fact that Kalish does not respond directly to Jesse, and indirectly does so only with insults, tells me just about everything I need to know: what a snob.

As an overweight 35 year old dad with hurty knees whose currency with rap basically ends at De La Soul is Dead, I'm not a pitchforky insider to this culture, nor am I by any definition a young podcasting lad. My own podcasting and blogging efforts are basically pathetic. And, like Jesse, I have done actual radio, including reported pieces (albeit not for NPR, but PRI).

So I have no suggestions for what sniffy bona fides Kalish should use to brush aside my own critique of his work. But I do think he owes Jesse an apology.

John Hodgman.

END QUOTED TEXT

That is all.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE CRAZY ADS FOR MACINTOSH COMPUTERS?

FOR MORE INFORMATION on these fine gentlemen computers, you may use the internet.

MEANWHILE, I might note that, as of this writing, on MONDAY MORNING, I am scheduled to be on television TOMORROW, TUESDAY NIGHT, and not today.

THAT IS PART OF THE REASON that I will fail to make good on my promised PLAYMOBIL PHOTOGRAPHIC THROW-DOWN until later in the week.

THE OTHER REASON is that I am lazy.

That is all.

BUT NOW, ONE TIME I WAS ALMOST ASIAN

APPARENTLY Tom and Sam are still stuck in the horrible, backward ancient era known as 2007.

That is all.

WATCH THIS SPACE MONDAY FOR PLAYMO

MEANWHILE, you may enjoy CRACKED magazine, for now.

That is all.

"ONE WITH PLENTY OF GOOD MEAT STILL ON IT"

I MUST IMPOSE ON YOUR PATIENCE: the Playmobil thow-down is coming.

BUT I MUST ALSO INTERRUPT to bring you this late breaking bulletin from THE ONION

WHETHER THE SUBJECT IS HOBOES, RACOONS, OR PLAYMOBIL, it's good to be remind that the Onion trumps us all.

COURTESY: "ERIC" for bringing this to my attention.

That is all.

PLAYMO

743 Mike the Beard Recycler
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

OK, APE-LAD

I HAVE BEEN DREAMING of an old fashioned PLAYMO FEUD for years.

NOW It's on.

That is all.

AN ALARMING PORTENT FROM ALBERTA

John Bowman, A CANADIAN, writes from Canada...

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

"After weaning five kittens of her own, this mother cat, Misty, took on
six baby skunks born at our zoo, The GuZoo Animal Farm, in Three Hills,
Alberta, shown in this recent handout photo. The skunk's natural mom
lost interest and wouldn't continue feeding them. Misty has been raising
the skunks for two weeks. (CP PHOTO/ HO/ GuZoo Animal Farm)

"John Bowman
Associate Producer
CBC News Online (the website of a Soviet-style state-run media
organization in Canada)"

END QUOTED TEXT:

As best as I can tell, the above photo is REAL AND UNRETOUCHED; it is also HEARTWARMING, even though it FOREBODES THE APOCALYPSE.*

A quick INTERNET INVESTIGATION INTO THE "GUZOO ANIMAL FARM" turns up no direct confirmation on the cat-skunk blended family (thanks for nothing, INTERNET)...

BUT I DO FEEL COMPELLED TO POINT OUT that the GuZoo Animal Farm does seem to be the target of frequent criticism for providing its non-human charges with inadequate shelter and care.

I DO NOT CLAIM TO KNOW THE FULL STORY HERE. Certainly in their defense one could argue that they are at the very least not allowing baby skunks to die, EVEN AT THE RISK OF APOCALYPSE.**

BUT INTERESTINGLY, at least one on-line petition urging the roadside zoo's closure includes one signature from a JASON BOWMAN.

WHAT IS HIS CONNECTION TO OUR CANADIAN CORRESPONDENT, JOHN BOWMAN?

At this point: NO ONE CAN TELL.

I will keep you posted.

MEANWHILE, thank you for watching television last night.

THAT IS ALL

*Please see my book, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, for information regarding the ominous portent of CATS CONSORTING WITH SKUNKS.

**Please see the previous asterisk above.

CRYPTONAUT!

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by Cryptonaut.

THIS PARTICULAR FIND is uncanny enough as to be frightening.

PLUS, this news: 3M Performance Plus Wire Nuts are

NOW IN STOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN AUDIO FILE FOR TODAY

COURTESY the great Alexandra Ringe of STAY FREE MAGAZINE and many other endeavors.

That is all.

NEAL BABY

nealbaby
Originally uploaded by sugarfreak.

HERE IS THE PHOTO OF "SINCERE NEAL" that I had found and wanted to post to the below.

UNFORTUNATELY old Blogger/new Blogger issues seemed to have scotched the effort.

I TRY AGAIN, and thanks go to Sugarfreak, whoever you are.

MEANWHILE, my thanks to all who came to KGB last night. It was great fun.

FRITOS AND MILK!

(my new sign off except for...

THAT IS ALL)

THIS EVENING

THIS EVENING I will be reading with my friend and former client Darin Strauss at the KGB bar in New York City in conjunction with Behind The Book, A FINE ORGANIZATION.

THIS WILL HAPPEN at 7PM, at 85 East 4th Street, up the stairs.

THIS WILL BE ONE OF MY RARE APPEARANCES without Mr. Coulton, whom I believe is still in Las Vegas.

THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED, in North Carolina, there was luckily a bagpiper on hand to offer some bagpipe music (IF YOU CAN CALL IT MUSIC! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE? WHO'S WITH ME?).

I DO NOT KNOW IF THERE WILL BE ANYONE who happens to have a bagpipe or another kind of screechy musical instrument,

BUT DARIN'S NEW NOVEL is beautiful, and I will probably read about monsters, and the bar is an old favorite, so do stop by, bagpipers!

That is all.

SPEAKING OF BRUCE CAMPBELL

....DEREK chimes in from the comments to alert us all to THIS VIDEO.

IT'S BRILLIANT of course, but personally I cannot believe Bruce would stoop so low as to do a TELEVISION COMMERCIAL. What a sell out.

WHO'S WITH ME?

That is all.

SEE ALL MY REVIEWS

POLLACK'S BOOK IS FOR SALE

HERE is what I said about it on the internet. Every word is true.

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

NEAL'S FINEST, January 9, 2007
Reviewer: John Hodgman - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
Long before he secured actual, competent representation, I briefly served as Neal Pollack's professional literary agent. Therefore, my opinion may be somewhat biased, in the sense that I feel for him the same kind of weary I felt for all of my old bloodsucking clients, the ones who kept bothering me all day with their money troubles while I was trying to drink brandy and play minesweeper (that means you, Bruce Campbell!)

But I will confess that ALTERNADAD was a complete and happy surprise to me--hilarious, as all Neal's work is, but heartfelt and true. This book is fully deblustered of the old "Neal Pollack, Greatest Living Writer" persona of his seminal early work, replaced instead by an even older "Neal Pollack" going back to his days at the "Chicago Reader:" the just-plain-good-writer full of caustic wit and human sympathy.

This is a story that documents a new kind of hipster parental mood in some respects, but it is really a much simpler story about a man who loves his wife and son. Neal's ability to say just that puts paid to any rumor that he was ever merely a 90's era irony-drenched ha ha man, and makes ALTERNADAD the best third-book debut I've ever read.

END QUOTED TEXT

That is all.

AS NOTED BY CAPTAIN JOY

good luck will rub off if i shakes hands with you.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

THIS IS NOT A HOBO, but a chimney sweep, guarding tea.

STILL, it is lovely, and leads me to wonder once again

WHEN WILL CAPTAIN JOY MAKE ADMIRAL.

OF COURSE, shaking hands with a chimney sweep will not bring bring you luck. That is a myth perpetuated by Disney.

BUT NOT LONG AGO I consulted a contemporary, non-top-hatted chimney sweep who, EVEN THOUGH HE LOOKS LIKE A NORMAL, UN-COCKNEY HUMAN, told me he is constantly accosted by old women looking to touch him and thus ward off their horrible fates.

SPECIFICALLY, he said, women of Polish extraction want to pinch him as that is the custom for squeezing out good luck from a chimney sweep in that country.

I LAMENTED this unfortunate occupational hazard, and then I briefly throttled him. We all have our traditions.

That is all.

I AM CONFUSED

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Ape-lad tells me this is the logo for the star wars fan club. But why the H?

That is all.

MIDVALE

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

MIDVALE: what is it?

THIS QUESTION WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED. But I am grateful to Ape-Lad for the boxcar image and the H, even if you have to hunt for it.

MEANWHILE...

FOR THOSE OF YOU who did not require my opinion on LOST-as-a-barometer-of-jocks-vs.-nerdism-in-the-21st-century, but got it anyway,

YOU MAY BE CURIOUS TO learn the now old news that Brian K. Vaughan has been hired as a writer by the program.

HE IS THE AUTHOR, among other comic book titles, of "Y: The Last Man," which I did not happen to read, and "Ex Machina," which I did read, and enjoyed very much.

AFTER AN AUTUMNAL "VEST-POCKET-SEASON" of pure, happily unhinged soap opera on LOST, does BKV's recruitment signal a return to the comic bookish continuity madness that marked its high nerd period and pneumatic tube hey day?

THIS QUESTION WILL ALSO NEVER BE ANSWERED

(HOWEVER, I will say that if Hurley suddenly blinks off the hypnosis and realizes HE HAS NEVER SEEN NIKKI AND PAULO BEFORE IN HIS LIFE, then things will be going in the right direction.)

(I TRUST THIS SETTLES the debate about whether this blog is controlled by jocks or nerds, which I know has been raging for months now).

That is all.

VIA SHARPEWORLD

AND THE CLOSE EYED READER "Solonor," here is footage of Harmonica Frank, who eats harmonicas despite their protests.

I ESPECIALLY appreciate the german subtitled.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

That is all.

FREEZING FOG

WHEN I OBSERVED THIS OMINOUS PREDICTION in London's weather report this morning, and then it quickly disappeared, I presumed it was an error.

BUT IT IS SO.

MY SYMPATHIES for those grounded by FREEZING FOG in Britain's airports.

BUT THE UPSIDE IS it seems to be transforming the country into a series of illustrations for the covers of paperback fantasy novels.

That is all.

OH, AND OF COURSE: KNITTERERS

hodgman solus.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

Here's to you.

That is all.

YOU

It is time
Originally uploaded by halcyonsnow.

THIS IS CLEARLY a manipulated image, yet I defer to halcyon's good intentions, as

I AGREE with Time's assessment of person-hood of the year, since indeed I have learned firsthand this year, via hobo artists and podcasters and many more, that the true and exciting engine of culture right now is self-built, funded, and powered by millions of busy hands and mice out there in the previously invisible world.

And so it is...

YOU whom I must thank for this astonishing strange and happy year.

THANK YOU readers, listeners, hoboers, wikiers, flickrers, bloggerers, boingers, casters, tubers, chalkers, and Canadians all, for all the joy and inspiration and brandy you have provided.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL.

PLEASE DON'T FORGET to download the audiobook for free from iTunes in the USA (see below), and meanwhile,

Happy, Merry, and

THAT IS ALL.

CANADA, AUSTRALIA, GERMANY, UK

IMG_4374
Originally uploaded by rheimbro.

IT IS TRUE, you are all out of luck.

THE AUDIO EDITION OF MY BOOK is available for free only through the iTunes USA store.

THIS IS NOT DONE OUT OF SPITE

(except perhaps in the case of Canada)

BUT BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SOVEREIGN NATIONS, some of which currently offer no legal edition of my book to begin with--IN ANY FORMAT.

(including MICROFICHE)

and ONE OF WHICH (Canada) persists in having its own laws, economy, and publishing territories despite OUR OBVIOUS KINSHIP AND MUTUAL LOVE OF FRIES WITH GRAVY

I'm sorry if you feel vexed or disappointed.

I can offer you at least this: a recorded interview from BOOK SOUP (10/9/06) that I just rediscovered on-line. Tune in HERE AND AROUND THE WORLD as Leila asks some very provocative questions about my early schooling and the odor of my fellow students.

That is all.

CATEGORY: SELF DEVELOPMENT

I HAVE BEEN ALERTED VIA OVERSEAS E-MAIL THIS MORNING that

the AUDIO EDITION of my book of COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE

is now available for ZERO DOLLARS via iTunes for A LIMITED TIME

IF YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THIS IMPORTANT 1,000 CD SET, which includes...

contributions by JONATHAN COULTON, MS. ROBIN GOLDWASSER, and A MYSTERIOUS CELEBRITY OF STAGE AND SCREEN,

THEN WHY NOT DOWNLOAD IT NOW FOR NOTHING?

Logic demands that you comply.

That is all.

REMINDER: BORELLI

borelli.jpg
Originally uploaded by herman melville.

Is at Comix tonight.

That is all.

ANOTHER HOBO FILM FROM APE-LAD

h in movie rays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

This one apparently stars Jonathan Coulton.

That is all.

1618

JoCo at Johnny D's
Originally uploaded by jcoulton.

FIRST, please do not forget about old COULTON TONIGHT at Mo Pitkin's with Paul and Storm.

SECOND, I am told that Patrick Borelli will be joining the stage as part of Catie Lazarus's FRESH MEAT next Tuesday (Dec 19). I have yet to see Catie's show, but I have been to Comix and I can tell you this: it is very new and shiny and clean. It is like seeing comedy on a HOLODECK!

TRIVIA FACT: Patrick Borelli likes tuna salad sandwiches for lunch, ESPECIALLY IF HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM.

ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED EIGHTEENTH, the PO informs me that my account for the PO BOX ADDRESS listed in my book has expired. I am going to renew it tomorrow, but I am sorry if anyone had their mail returned.

For the doubters, IT WAS ALWAYS A LEGITIMATE ADDRESS, and it will be again, unless you are sending poison.

That is all.

JoCo at Johnny D's

JoCo at Johnny D's
Originally uploaded by jcoulton.

APPARENTLY he destroyed all monsters last night in Somerville, where a sub shop graces every hill.

That is all.

ATTENTION PUBLIC RADIO PROGRAMMERS

IS IT TOO LATE to license "The Sound of Young America Holiday Special" for your stations?

I SAY: NO!

MEANWHILE, in the world of commercial radio, Andy has made my appearance on WGN's Nick Digilio show available here.

That is all.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN HAVE TO FACE POKEMON-INDUCED BRAIN EXPLOSION....

PokemonBattleFrontier.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

COMES THIS, courtesy HoboGirl1.

MEANWHILE, please listen to THE UNTITLED THORN/MORRIS PROJECT for hasty, blindfolded judgments and the eventual return of HANG IT UP/KEEP IT UP.

SUBSCRIBE IMMEDIATELY.

That is all.

TARAVAL STREET NEAR 23RD AVE

Hobo uprising, Taraval St. near 23rd Ave.
Originally uploaded by merlinmann.

MERLIN uploaded this one--is it carved in wet cement?

IF YOU GO TO HIS SITE, 43Folders you will see a heartbreaking, hopeful post from a brief time when the fate of James Kim was still uncertain. I did not know Kim, but I am realizing I know, at least obliquely, many who did. I find his and his family's story almost unbearably sad, and now doubly so, so I will leave it at that.

TONIGHT is Laura Cantrell at Mo Pitkin's. I will not be there, but you should go if you can. Wear a scarf.

That is all.

H IN SIDEWAYS

H in Sideways
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

If you did not catch it in the coments, APE LAD JUST EXPLODED MY BRAIN, both with his Keaton-knowlegde, and with his bizarre cinematic find.

Herewith his comment:

"While I can't confirm the authenticity of the good captain's find (although I suspect it is real), I came across something interesting. I had recently seen that very episode of Arrested Development as well as Steamboat Bill, Jr, the source of the original stunt to which the homage is being paid.

"While I appreciated the allusion (even down to the characters names: Buster Keaton/Buster Bluth. It's like they wrote the whole show just to make that clever reference), something was left unsettled in the back of my mind.

"Upon a repeated viewing of SB,Jr, I realized what it was: Buster Keaton performs the stunt with his back to the falling facade. It may seem subtle, but that is the difference between Keaton and Tony Hale and anyone else who seeks to emulate him. In my opinion anyway.

"Also, I stumbled upon this incredibly shocking (sorry) frame of film. Although it is obviously manipulated, it was not done by me. This can be attested to by downloading (free and legal) and viewing Steamboat Bill, Jr from here and paying close attention to 1:02:03."

END QUOTE

COMMENCE BRAIN EXPLOSION

That is all.

UN-MANIPULATED

not digitally manipulated.jpg
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

CAPTAIN JOY CLAIMS that this image has not been digitally manipulated.

I REMAIN SKEPTICAL, because I know that even in color films, Buster Keaton was in black and white.

BUT I CHOOSE TO TRUST JOY, as I am a fool.

That is all.

MOVIE PLACE

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

I AM beyond saddened by this news.

THE MOVIE PLACE has been the center of my neighborhood for the nearly 10 years I lived here.

IT WAS ARGUABLY the reason I moved into my first apartment on 105th Street.

OK: I WILL CEASE TO ARGUE--it was THE reason.

(IT CERTAINLY WAS NOT the apartment itself, which was shaped like a noose and yet felt somehow tighter and more choking).

AMONG THEIR MANY ADMIRABLE, STRANGE, AND NOBLE QUALITIES, including incredible taste, decency, and delivery, I should note that...

UNTIL THE LAST 35 SECONDS OR SO, they didn't even use computers.

JUST INDEX CARDS!

AS A FORMER video store employee, I know especially: THAT TAKES SOME BRASSY, BEAUTIFUL NERVE!

NOW THEY ARE DONE. The last neighborhood servicey store to exist in that building (a printing and copy store) was recently replaced with a store that sells edible bouquets made of fruit.

(Not to run down anyone's dream, but this store seems as doomed as the old PUDDING IT FIRST, a Brookline specialty store that really did exist, minus the mad poetry of being devoted TO PUDDING).

I SUSPECT the next tenant to occupy the former MOVIE PLACE will be similarly, pointlessly "upscale," unneeded, and ridiculous.

THERE IS NOTHING TO DO, it would see, but mourn and blog. It makes me feel very sad and very powerless. And I also think I owe them about 40 dollars or so in late fees which I intend to repay, somehow.

THAT IS ALL.

(cinematic hobology courtesy APE LAD).

COULTON RADIO

Coulton will be on Soundcheck, WNYC's fine talk show about music, today at 2PM Eastern.

LISTEN

That is all.

FATE'S BIRTHDAY GIFT TO COULTON

73: Jonathan William Coulton, the Colchester Kid
Originally uploaded by halcyonsnow.

A CONTAINER OF DORITOS WASHES ASHORE

COURTESY: Dethroner, HalcyonSnow.

That is all.

LITTLE BROTHERS

73 Jonathan William Coulton, the Colchester Kid
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

TONIGHT, in Columbus, Jonathan Coulton's tour takes him to the stage at "Little Brothers."

I HOPE everyone that I met during my recent visit to Columbus will take advantage of this rare opportunity.

THIS MEANS YOU skinny guy who followed us across the street,

AND YOU, OSU STUDENT whose cell phone I helped reprogrammed so John Oliver could leave your new outgoing message,

AND YOU, LEE K. ABBOTT.

You will enjoy this show NOT LEAST because it is Coulton's birthday.

Thank you, APE-LAD

That is all.

CASSETTES!

Casettes.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE THIS EFFORT, HoboGirl needs to trash this garbage format.

OK, CASSETTE-OPHILES: BRING IT ON!

Who went to see Jonathan Ames last night, by the way?

That is all.

H IN SNOW RAYS

H-in-snow-rays
Originally uploaded by halcyonsnow.

COURTESY haclyonsnow for the meteorological omen.

IF I WERE YOU, I'd be at Mo Pitkin's tonight to see HOW TO KICK PEOPLE, and then stay all night for Jonathan AMES and his SHENANIGANS.

BUT, sadly, unavoidably, I AM NOT YOU.

That is all.

THE LENGTHS

back
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

PLEASE NOTE the lengths to which Ape Lad will go.

I ADVISE: do not cross him.

AND I AGREE: if that iPod supported one more line of type, you could have gotten a proper h-in-sunrays on there. Anyone know anyone at Apple Computer who could fix this?

THAT IS ALL.

Tiffanys

HoboPizza.jpg
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

I would be very concerned if I received this pizza.

Thank you, HoboGirl1

LINK FIXED: FAREWELL, KING

Carolyn, Luke, and Superfecta passed along this sad news from Britt, IA.

"Beloved "Grand Patriarch" of hoboes, Steam Train Maury dead at 89"

That is all.

ATENE STAYS GOLD

A FINE ACQUAINTANCE in California brought the original Atene video to my attention.

NOW HE HAS RETURNED, and I am as awed as the rest of the internet.

I FRANKLY would not have the courage, and THERE ARE SOME TERRIBLE VIDEOS OF MY YOUTH OUT THERE, believe me.

THE 12th BIRTHDAY PARTY TAPE is missing. THE HIGH SCHOOL CENSORSHIP EPISODE OF "RAP-AROUND" WITH TOM BERGERON is OUT THERE and could surface at any time.

WOULD I HAVE THE COURAGE TO ATENE-LY CONFRONT MY PAST ON THE INTERNET?

Probably: no.

That is all.

HOBO PIE

Hobo pie, 10/22/06
Originally uploaded by photophonic.

I HAVE TO EAT a large helping of hobo humble pie this morning.

I CANNOT BELIEVE that I do not own THIS BOOK.

EVEN THE DAMN TRUTH FUZZ at "The Straight Dope" have known about this book FOR AT LEAST A YEAR.

FURTHER EVIDENCE that Cecil Adams desires to shame me.

LUCKILY, the Twincesses have set me straight.

SHAMEFACEDLY, and with thanks to photophonic.

That is all.

OLD NEWS

THIS LINK, I trust, is old news to you , people of the internet.

BUT I MIGHT POINT OUT, that hoodie probably only cost $1000. So that is one difference. Can you spot the others?

That is all.

MORE OTTERNESS

hobonickel
Originally uploaded by ocdeegan.

from OC Deegan

That is all.

LIFE UNDERGROUND

monopolyH
Originally uploaded by ocdeegan.

I AM PLEASED that, apparently, I am not the only one seeing the eerie sack people underground.

THANK YOU OCDeegan, and thank you Tom Otterness.

I have been for so long underground, out of state, and working nights with Justin Long.

BUT NOW I RESUME POSTING

That is all.

JESSE TAKES MANHATTAN

HonSidwalk.png
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

And sadly, I will be out of state for the SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA NYC shows this Friday.

But I encourage you attend. The 8PM show features our friend Mike Daisey; the 10PM show features COULTON; and many whom we do not know personally but would like to.

WHY NOT BUY TICKETS FOR BOTH SHOWS?

Maybe that is not allowed, but if it is: DO IT.

If you are in LA, and thus cannot attend, I also would recommend the Kaspar Hauser business at the UCB on Friday.

AS MY WORDS ON THE COVER WILL ATTEST, their parody of the the Sky Mall catalog is astonishing, briliant, and necessary.

That is all.

BOOB MCNUTT

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

That's all I've got for you: Boob McNutt.

That is all.

VINTAGE 1977

how to be a hobo
Originally uploaded by suttonhoo.

AMONG SEVERAL fine photos of hobo halloween costumes posted on the internet,

THIS IS UNIQUE for its vintage (1977) and the fact that it includes A WITCH.

(Or something. What is that?)

THIS WAS A TIME when many children of a hallow's eve night would dress in costumes now considered distasteful

(for example, THE FRENCH PROSTITUTE COSTUME--a hit, I am told, in the Atlanta area in 1980).

ALAS it does not quite satisfy the requirements of the h-in-sunrays group (which is to say: found in situ, ideally without computer manipulation); but I hope you will continue to enjoy S. hoo's work here.

That is all.

DEMETRI

Hcrossword
Originally uploaded by crabbydad.

I have learned that Demetri, who is in Columbus tonight, will have to go to Chicago tomorrow, and then come BACK to Columbus on Friday.

The least you could do is visit and say hello in one or both locations.

Meanwhile, I will stay in Columbus to be on television tomorrow night.

That is all.

CAT IN A LOBSTER SKIN SHAWL

Hob-o-lantern and a Furry Old Lobster
Originally uploaded by juco.

You recall that old Tennessee Williams play, surely?

HAPPY HALLOW'S EVE

Hob-o-lantern
Originally uploaded by juco.

I am off to Columbus, OH now for television.

WATCH OUT FOR CANDY RAZORS

That is all.

APE-LAD GOES A LITTLE CRAZY WITH THE SUNRAYS

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

He must have a steady hand.

SPOOKY DAY, SPOOKY NIGHT

"It is time for hoboes to take over the United States government"
Originally uploaded by dfstineh.

Here are some lanterns for your enjoyment.

THESE ARE NOT SUITABLY LIGHT SOURCES FOR MOST TASKS due to low light, rotting.

OTHERWISE, ENJOY

That is all.

HOBO-LANTERN 2

PA290042.gif
Originally uploaded by HoboGirl1.

TONIGHT is the very end of the tour for the paperback edition.

COME EXPERIENCE THE TEARS and LAUGHTER and FAKE TRIVIA this evening.

I DON'T KNOW where you're going.

BUT WE will be in Austin, at Book People, at 7PM.

UNTIL then,

That is all.

OLE MISS BY DAMN

Hobe-O-Lantern
Originally uploaded by Phoole.

SADLY, Ole Miss was defeated by the Auburn Deadly White Tigers in yesterday's footballing, or so was reported to me.

BUT SOME SOLACE WAS HAD in the halls of Square Books, as several kind souls traveled to Oxford to visit with us, some from as far away as memphis, some bearing brandy and nutmeg.

(Thank you, RANDAL)

IT WAS A LOVELY TIME, and I am grateful for the company, some of whom invited me to search the moonlit swamps of nearby Taylor for that area's legendary swamp monster (pronounced, in Oxford, as "swamp booger.")

(Thank you, HANK, but no)

MANY DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME until I donned my signature Hawaiian print novelty visor, but after that, we had a very fine time before the brandy and the nutmeg disappeared, and it was on to the City Grocery for whiskey and fellowship and unexpected reunions.

TODAY we will rest quietly and visit some of Oxford's other fine groceries (Betty Davis and Taylor included), which, as you know, stock primarily the groceries known as "barbecue," "catfish," and "alcohol."

TOMORROW we shall move on to Austin and Book People, grateful and exhausted, to meet with you Texans.

MEANWHILE, enjoy this first of several Hobo-Lanterns to come.

That is all.

FLIM FAM BIM BAM

the "scientific" point of view.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

THANK YOU, North Carolina, for all your kindnesses, your spicy crab cakes, and your traditional bag pipes.

ON TO OXFORD--see you soon, Oxonians. (Soon=4PM at Square Books).

AND THEN, on OCT 30 to AUSTIN, TX (Then=Oct 30, at Book People, at 7PM).

AND THEN, to Ohio for the Daily Show.

PLEASE NOTE THE PHOTO FOR IMPORTANT PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE FROM CPT JOY

That is all.

WHO THE HELL ARE WE? HEY!

TO ANSWER A QUESTION from the comments: YES

WE ARE STILL IN NEED OF NUTMEG ZOMBIES for tomorrow night's sangaree.

Also: we require NUTMEG GRATER ZOMBIES, and zombies for Brandy, Port, Ice, SYMPLE SYRUP and glassware/cups.

OR ELSE a nice place nearby where these ingredients may be found. Contact via the COMMENTS below.

IF YOU ARE CONFUSED, REMEMBER THIS.

That is all.

HOTTY TODDY, GOSH ALMIGHTY

Hobo pie, 10/22/06
Originally uploaded by photophonic.

TONIGHT, David Rees and I shall be at the Regulator in Durham, NC. 7PM

Jonathan Coulton will not be in attendance. He is flying back to Baltimore to sing at the National Science Writers/Feral Mountain Man Conference and will rejoin in Oxford, MS, for our 4PM event at SQUARE BOOKS.

SO I ASK YOU, OXONIANS: can one of your recommend the best and most convenient place to get the ingredients for several Brandy Sangarees?

That is all.

HELL YES! DAMN RIGHT!

STARVED FOR BROADBAND stop

MAY LOSE SIGNAL ANY SECOND stop

UNC THIS AFTERNOON stop

REGULATOR IN DURHAM TOM'W NIGHT stop

OXFORD ON SAT AT 4PM IN THE SQUARE full stop


THAT IS ALL

THE SECRET SOCIETY SECTION

H in Sunrays.
Originally uploaded by Annie Matronic.

This comes from Annie of Baltimore.

NOTW the beautiful 5th floor Multipurpose room.

See you tonight at Chop Suey.

Look for me near the SECRET SOCIETIES section.

THAT IS ALL.

MOE IN THE DISTRICT

THIS IS the title of my new sitcom idea.

DETAILS ARE SECRET

ALSO IT IS a true description of where John Moe is THIS VERY EVENING.

HIS BOOK IS very funny.

YOU SHOULD see him if you can, now or in the future.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Barnes & Noble at Georgetown
3040 M St. N.W.
(202) 965-9880
7:30 p.m.

ARE YOU READY!!??

JUST A FEW CORRECTIONS FROM THE COMMENTS ON THE SUBJECT OF OXFORD AND FOOTBALL.

1. It is not "Oxfordians," but "Oxen"
2. It is not "Faulkner" but "Falkner"
3. It is not "The Auburn Fighting Footballers" but "The Eye of the Tigers"
4. It is not "Football" but a delightful semi-formal affair involving gracious men and women greeting you in the grove with smiles, whiskey, and chicken

Having been to Oxford before, I don't doubt it for a second.

LOOKING VERY MUCH FORWARD TO SEEING YOU ON SATURDAY, even if you are drunk and picky, I am

Jh

THAT IS ALL.

UNTIL THERE IS AN IMAGE FROM BALTIMORE

hinsunrayselliottbooks
Originally uploaded by ocdeegan.

Here is one from Seattle.

That is all.

TONIGHT: THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA; TOMORROW: RICHMOND; THEREAFTER: ELSEWHERE

LET ME SAY: as much as I made light of the 5th Floor Multipurpose Room at the Univ of Baltimore, the fact is it is truly a beautiful room, with great floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over the Charm City, amazing mechanized curtains, and a truly lovely non-mechanized audience who tempted me to speak my mind on SCIENTOLOGY.

BUT I RESISTED.

AS YOU KNOW, tonight COULTON, REES, and I will be at the Warehouse Theater of the District of Columbia.

IF YOU FIND THIS EVENT INCONVENIENT OR TOO CROWDED, may I recommend a visit tomorrow night to CHOP SUEY BOOKS of Richmond, VA.

TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: I do not know if REES will do the time travel bit at either of these events.

BUT I HOPE SO.

Meanwhile, THOSE WASHINGTONIANS who asked for my opinion on "Lost" may find it, finally, here.


That is all.

HEY THERE, SPORTS LOATHERS!

FIRST, see you tonight (Monday) in Baltimore.

NOW, a little matter regarding THE FUTURE.

AS YOU MAY KNOW, Coulton and I will be visiting Square Books in Oxford, Mississippi this Saturday, Oct 28, at 4PM.

NOW IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION that, in addition to being a lovely, leafy, whiskey-soaked town, final resting place of the corpse of William Faulkner, and seat of Lafayette County, OXFORD ADDITIONALLY ENJOYS SPORTS

Especially: OLE MISS FOOTBALL.

IN FACT, there will be a FOOTBALL CHALLENGE that very morning between the Ole Miss Rebels and the Auburn Fierce Footballers, or whatever they are called.

(I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT SPORTS.)

WHAT THIS MEANS, according to the very kind staff Square Books is as follows...

A) Everyone in town will be drunk.
B) After the game, it is hard to say who will want to come to a 4PM reading of FAKE TRIVIA.
C) But we should come on down anyway and hang out and have a drink.

LISTEN: this all sounds fine to me.

HOWEVER, it occurs to me that there may in fact be some people in Oxford, in greater Mississippi , and even Southern Tennessee who do not love sports and might enjoy this non-sporting event.

FOR THEM, I offer the humble alternative: fake trivia, and fellowship, and also BRANDY.

FOR IN FACT, though I am useless at sports, I do like the drunk part. And so, Coulton and I have agreed to serve at this particular reading a BRANDY SANGAREE to all legal persons in attendance.

A SANGAREE, as you surely know, is a reviver, a pick-me-up, a transitional drink from one intoxication to the other, providing a perfect 4PM brandy twilight from the boozy morning tailgaiting to the late night rowdyness that is sure to follow.

SURELY THIS IS AN OFFER EVEN A SPORTSMAN CANNOT DENY!

SO I ASK OF YOU, friends in the South and on the Internet, please spread word of this affair to your non-sporting friends and let them know a Sangaree awaits them in the beautiful town square.

AND OF YOU, Oxfordians, I ask you to forgive us for being different and asthmatic and strange: a Sangaree awaits you as well, should you wish to rest your Rebel head for a moment atop a pile of books full of words.

LET US JOIN TOGETHER for once, and show the world that there can be peace between these two tribes, PEACE THROUGH BRANDY, and FAKE TRIVIA.

AND THEN everyone can buy books and get on with their lives.

AS THE WEEK GOES ON, I will occasionally remind you of this event, and maybe ask for some help with getting all the brandy and nutmeg together.

FOR NOW, though, I leave you with a particularly poetic bit of copy from the Square Books events page:

"THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS"

which is to say

THAT IS ALL

CHARM CITY

Painting Class II.
Originally uploaded by Annie Matronic.

AS YOU KNOW, Monday begins our self-driven, southward tour of the Mid-Atlantic.

ALONG THE WAY, Coulton and I will be joined by David Rees all the way to North Carolina.

FIRST STOP: BALTIMORE, specifically:

THE FIFTH FLOOR MULTIPURPOSE ROOM in the Student Center of the University of Baltimore.

I CANNOT TELL YOU how long I have waited to play this legendary venue.

THE FIFTH FLOOR MULTIPURPOSE ROOM, MA! I MADE IT!

IN SERIOUS TONES, we love the Charm City, and our event at UBALT was one of our very favorites, and so we yearn again to see you there, at 7PM, for free.

MORE TOUR INFORMATION and photographs will follow. This one comes courtesy of Charm Citizen Annie, who has a secret message.

That is all.

PHOTO FUN QUIZ

Leaving a tip
Originally uploaded by Kodamakitty.

Look at this picture.

NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES.

Without peeking, answer this question:

WHICH IS OLDER? THE KETCHUP "AUX TOMATES" or SHOPSY'S?

????????????

A: It is impossible to say, because your eyes are closed, and so you never read the question.

Thank you Kodamakitty.

THAT IS ALL.

AND AFTER THAT, THE TEEN MYSTERY SOLVING CLUB WERE NEVER SEEN AGAIN

Anna, Brian, Bethany and Rence in classroom
Originally uploaded by penelopejonze.

NOT ONLY did Penelope Jonze discover strange markings in the abandoned school, but she also apparently deployed the club on an expedition to an abandoned amusement park.

WHICH, AS YOU KNOW, is for me, the VERY SCARIEST THING EVER.

(Click on the photo IF YOU DARE for further evidence).

GOOD LUCK TEEN MYSTERY SOLVING CLUB, wherever you are...

That is all.