MAXIMUM FUN

IF YOU HAVE NOT already subscribed to the radio/pod program THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA, it is not too late to miss the conversation between me, COULTON, and Jesse Thorn on the subject of COULTON'S BETRAYAL OF ME AND MY CATS.

YOU SHOULD ALSO follow Jesse's advice and subscribe to those Kaspar Hauser fellows. Their PHONE CALL TO THE 14th CENTURY is brilliant, and what's more, THEY ARE NOT ACTUALLY FERAL CHILDREN.

Jesse is also a member of PRANK THE DEAN, who come to the Fake Gallery on Melrose TONIGHT (tuesday Oct 17) at 9PM, hosted by Chris Hardwick.

According to the one-sheet, reservations ARE URGED: 323-661-0786

AND I AGREE

That is all.

WINTER HAT AND BRANDY

for cold weather.JPG
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

COULTON and I will be resting quietly in our respective homes for a spell...

AND THEN NEXT WEEK, we shall travel south by car, with DAVID REES for a reprise of our well attended MID-ATLANTIC TOUR, including

The University of BALTIMORE (Oct 23)
The Warehouse Theater of THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA (Oct 24)
Chop Suey books of RICHMOND, VA (Oct 25)
The Bull's Head Bookshop of CHAPEL HILL (Oct 26)
DURHAM'S own Regulator (Oct 27--NO COULTON DUE TO HIS BETRAYAL)

thereafter REES will return home and COULTON and I will soldier on...

TO OXFORD, MS and Square Books (Oct 28. Yes, THAT IS THE EVENING OF THE AUBURN GAME so we desperately require some anti-footballites to come visit us!)

and

TO AUSTIN, TX and Book People (Oct 30. Will there be football? ONLY TIME AND DREADFUL FATE WILL TELL).

Meanwhile, stay tuned for more of the SLY WIT SO LOVED BY CANADIANS.

And thank you. Thank you.

THAT IS ALL.

(cpt. Joy again gets credit for the photo)

HELLO, CANADIANS

I hope this is sly enough for you.

I am sorry COULTON and I are not coming to your country to promote my book. I hope you will keep buying it with your government book allowance money, however.

That is all.

ALAS FOR JOY

TEARS OF THE HOBO KILLER.jpg
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

ALAS, Cpt. Joy, who submitted this incredible image of anti-joy, but...

WE CANNOT ATTEND THE SHANTY SINGING CONTEST in Oakland after the reading tonight.

IT IS TOO FAR AWAY, I fear, from our home location of

CODY'S (not in Berkeley, but in San Francisco)

TONIGHT at 7pm

ALAS! ALAS! For as you know, I love a shanty.

BUT IT CANNOT BE HELPED.

That is all.

SEATTLE

Hobo Stiletto Graffito (detail)
Originally uploaded by merlinmann.

PLEASE FORGIVE my tardiness.

COULTON and I will be at Elliott Bay Books in one and one half hours (7:30PM).

COULTON will be leaving early to make his own show at the JEWELBOX theater at the RENDEZVOUS.

RENDEZVOUS with either of us at either location or both.

Thank you MERLIN for the stiletto.

THAT IS ALL.

HOBO BROWNIES

DSCN1992
Originally uploaded by heyjupiter.

Courtesy "HEYJUPITER" on Flickr.

AS IS TRADITIONAL, they are made with hallucinogenic wood alcohol.

TONIGHT, OF COURSE, Coulton and I will be appearing at BOOK SOUP on the Sunset Strip.

THIS WILL OCCUR at 7PM, free of charge.

THEN COULTON WILL ONCE AGAIN ABANDON ME and go to his own gig at The Temple Bar in Santa Monica.

THIS WILL OCCUR at 9:45PM.

That is all.

33 SECRET! SECRET! OK!

h in sunrays @ 33
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

THANK YOU, A-Lad, for following the instructions the internet gave you and finally capturing an image of the fabled and very very SECRET Club 33.

SOMEDAY I wish to go.

BUT TONIGHT I shall enjoy another dream, to stand on the stage of the Fitzgerald Theater along with COULTON and Mr. NEAL POLLACK at 8PM, courtesy MPR.

TICKETS may be purchased.

THANK YOU, meanwhile, Philadelphia and Amy Sedaris and David Rees for a perfect evening.

That is all.

LARGE PRINT LITERARY CRITICISM

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by NoodleGuy1.

LAST NIGHT we read in the LARGE PRINT/LITERARY CRITICISM section of the Harry Schwartz bookstore, in Milwaukee's BAYVIEW district.

AS YOU CAN SEE, it turned my hand invisible.

TONIGHT, we visit the BORDERS of Ann Arbor, MI, which as you know is BORDERS NUMBER ONE, the very first Borders store, first discovered by 1824 by Elisha Rumsey, though experts suggest it hewn from a single, massive boulder many centuries ago, probably by giants.

Here are the details you may require.

TOMORROW NIGHT: we join AMY SEDARIS and DAVID REES in Philadelphia for the 215.

THANK YOU, meanwhile, NoodleGuy1 (as the first NoodleGuy, he is also hewn from a single massive boulder), for the photo.

THAT IS ALL

MALORT

I HAD MANY INQUIRIES regarding the strange, Chicago-native quaff that unhinged our presentation last night at the excellent SECOND CITY ETC stage.

It is MALORT, and it is not made up.

(As the great Martin D and Doc Cocktail have verified).

I first discovered this bitter/herbal/murderous alcoholic potion years ago at a LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE on the subject of the fictional city of Chicago.

It was PLEASANT to be re-acquainted with it last night, especially in front of such a fine audience, until it became UNPLEASANT.

But the audience and fine people of the 2nd City STAYED PLEASANT THROUGHOUT, and for their adventurous spirit and friendly nature, I AM GRATEFUL.

(Special thanks to smarty-pants Joceylyn and Chicagoist for the Malort-ology link).

Milwaukee is glorious bright and blue today. The lager rivers are really shining in the sunlight. I look forward to seeing the Milwaukee-ans at Harry Schwartz's, 7PM, in Bayview.

To the rest of you: THAT IS ALL.

THANK YOU CHICAGO, AND FAREWELL

H in Sunrays
Originally uploaded by PhineasX.

Now we fly (FLY!) to Milwaukee....

Tuesday, October 3
MILWAUKEE, WI
Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop (Bay View)
2262 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.
(414) 481-3401
7:00 p.m.

Thank you, Phineas.

THAT IS ALL.

MONDAY NIGHT: SECOND CITY

Thank you, Tom Deja, for this...

WHAT IS THIS STRANGE IMPLEMENT?

09-27-06_2012
Originally uploaded by disco.sleeze.

I AM MYSTIFIED by this green dial. Can anyone, perhaps its original documentor, explain it to me?

MEANWHILE, IF YOU ARE ANYWHERE NEAR CHICAGO, allow me to remind that COULTON and I will make a rare DAYLIGHT appearance today at 2PM at

BORDERS #101

which is located at 2817 North Clark Street, in LINCOLN PARK

which they say is part of CHICAGO.

That is all.

DOUBLE COULTON AT THE AIRPORT

HERE IS THE SHOCKING TRUTH about Jonathan Coulton's ability to write a thing a week:

TWO HEADS

TWO BEARDS

TWO IDENTICAL COULTONS

with a mysterious triangle hanging between them.

Here they are at LaGuardia airport as we prepare to fly to Chicago for the 2 shows.

(2PM at Borders on Sunday; 7PM at 2nd City on Monday: BOTH FREE)

THAT IS ALL

CASUAL FRIDAYS

hshirt
Originally uploaded by The Doifter.

Here is an ASTONISHINGLY UNRETOUCHED PHOTO of a shirt which, according to its creator, was made with her own two hands, and a THIRD, SEWING-MACHINE-SHAPED HAND.

I have examined this garment and may verify IT IS TOTALLY AUTHENTIC.

IT WAS A SUPER-PRIVILEGE AND GREAT THRILL to bother Neil Gaiman on stage last night at the Fashion Institute of Technology.

AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: yes, those armchairs were as comfortable as they looked.

I FELT ESPECIALLY GUILTY because most people in life do not get to ask Neil questions while sitting in a comfortable leather armchair, unless they do so at home, via his journal. Where as of this writing he offers this news: he is flying to Washington DC today, and you may now buy his new book FRAGILE THINGS.

I think you know what to do next.

THAT IS ALL.

SPOTTED IN BROOKLINE, MA

Hobo sign
Originally uploaded by spi516.

MANY, MANY thanks to everyone who visited with us in my hometown of Brookline, MA.

I WAS GOING TO ASK if anyone happened to photograph the secret message spotted at the Brookline Booksmith, as I had forgotten to.

BUT LO, the internet and spi516 had already answered.

TONIGHT: Gaiman.

THE FUTURE: Chicago, city of THE FUTURE.

That is all.

THIS EVENING: BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS

Take One
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd.

THIS EVENING, Coulton and I will be visiting Brookline, Massachusetts, a non-fictional town where I grew up.

THIS WILL OCCUR at 7PM, at Brookline Booksmith, a fine book smithy where they not only offer books made of wrought iron, forged on anvils, but paper editions as well.

Brookline Booksmith
279 Harvard Street
Brookline, MA 02446
617-566-6660

IT IS FREE.

Meanwhile, THE ACCOMPANYING IMAGE is offered by Mr. Bikferd, who steadfastly refuses to adhere to the NO DIGITIAL MANIPULATION STIPULATION of the h-in-sunrays pool, and yet I have to forgive him, for once again he has peered directly into my brain and produced from it uncannily an image I never dared hope I would see.

THIS PROCESS, I am happy to report, WAS PAINLESS.

Tomorrow I will cease to reward the guilty and return to featuring, GRATEFULLY, analog world images from AROUND THE WORLD.

Until then: that is all.

THE ANSWER, JUNIPER, IS 1,000 COPIES

But the 1,000 you have already purchased will suffice.

HERE IS THE MYSTERY IMAGE. It is a picture of a robot Mark Twain talking to a robot Benjamin Franklin.

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, the actual corpses of Twain and Franklin were not made into robots for this popular exhibit in Florida.

WHICH IS TO SAY rumors of the robotic reanimation of Twain's corpse have been highly exaggerated.

That is all.

See you tonight. And/or tomorrow night in Brookline.

ROBO NEWZ-UP TO THE MINUTE

h in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Ape-Lad has risked arrest to bring you several h-in-sunrays chalkings from Walt Disney World.

One might say he even risked the dreaded fate of "mouse arrest."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

That was rich.

Also: don't forget that tonight, at 7PM, Coulton and I will be at the Mark Twain House in Hartford, CT, presenting a special OVERLONG PROGRAM to justify your very kind entrance fee of thirty dollars (25 if you are a member).

Here is a small preview of what you will see.

That is all.

PS: If only Mr. A. Lad had been able to visit Club 33 with his chalk. Perhaps in a next life I will be so fortunate. For now, I have more good fortune than I can bear.

H IN HALF-RAYS

H in half sunrays
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Ape-Lad asks the eternal question: WAS CARL HOLMES A HOBO?

"...Or perhaps half a hobo? This evidence from the Walter Foster Art Book "ABC of Lettering" by Carl Holmes, suggests he toyed with the idea."

To answer a question from the comments, you may add your found h-in-sunrays here: http://www.flickr.com/groups/hoboes/

THE EAGLE-EYED ED PAGE

AKA--A TOUR UPDATE.

As you may know, COULTON and I will soon be visiting many American cities.

I am sorry Canadians: no visits to your frozen lands this time. But feel free to take advantage of our loose border restrictions and caravan south to see us.

Meanwhile, Ed Page, of www.mcsweeneys.net and many fine illustrations, made a few corrections to the tour details when he posted them, kindly, as noted below:

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT

John:

I don't mean to nitpick; I just thought you might want to correct these minor errors:

1. MILWAUKEE: I believe the street address is "2262 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.," not "2262 Kinnicinnick Ave." Note the compass direction and the spelling of "Kinnickinnic." Also, "Bay View" appears to be two words, not just one, as you have it ("Bayview").

2. MINNEAPOLIS: The event starts at 8 p.m., not 7 p.m. (Not that it matters, but lest it cause confusion: I chose to call this your "ST. PAUL" show. Also, tickets are $15 and are available for purchase at this address.

3. RICHMOND: The street address is "1317 W. Cary St.," not "1317 Cary Street." Note the compass direction. I realize this is probably a rather insignificant point, but there does exist, I think, a possibility (and a remote one at that, I grant you) that for Hodgman fans who for whatever reason are not familiar with the streets of Richmond, having that "W." there may save a wisp of confusion. (Perhaps you removed the "W." as a subtle political statement. In which case, fuck yeah, bro!)

Sorry for being so quibblingly anal. Now you know why I'm a copy editor.

Ed

END QUOTED TEXT.

Additionally:

A) there is one special date we all forgot to mention in CHICAGO, a city that some believe exists:

Monday, October 2
THE SECOND CITY, CHICAGO
1616 North Wells Street
Chicago, IL 60614
7PM
BOOKS WILL BE SOLD HERE BY THE GREAT QUIMBY.

B)

Our event at the Mark Twain House of Hartford, CT on Sept 26 is ALSO NOT FREE. It costs $30 for non-members, $25 dollars for members. Proceeds go to help runaways on rafts. You do not get a discount if you dress up as Mark Twain. It's time for you to get over that.

Please always check here for refinements to this schedule, and thank you.

THAT IS ALL.

NOT WITH THAT PULSE TRAIN THEY AREN'T

White board H in sunrays
Originally uploaded by Drhaggis.

Thank you, Haggis.

AND WAIT... PLUS...

They have the nerve to play up the "green" angle of their homes, when in fact, everyone knows that a freestanding frame house is a heat and wind sieve compared to the energy efficiency of a home beneath the earth.

It makes you wonder why we went to all the trouble to destroy the damn ring in the first place.

That is all.

ZERO ROUND DOORS, ZERO SOD ROOFS

Because of the eagle eyes of Neil Gaiman, I am forced to make one last post before I leave today, and that is to draw attention to this.

I think if you are going to call your planned community "The Shire" and kit it all out to look like a fantasy village, you better be prepared to build some damn homes underground.

This is frankly infuriating. Especially since this "Shire" is in Oregon, where I happen to know that people not only **want** to live under the ground, they often do.

I am too angry to write more.

That is all.

THE PENALTY FOR CHEATERS

jail bird
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

I will be in another hemisphere. Expect upside down posting to begin on Monday

That is all.

A MESSAGE TO CAPTAIN JOY

ghostbusters uprising.jpg
Originally uploaded by captain joy.

Oh, Joy--

I enjoy a Peter McNichol reference as much as the next man, and of course this is brilliant.

But I should note again that the original intention of the game was to promote unretouched photos of actual h-in-sunrays markings. The idea of photo manipulation hadn't occurred to me.

That said, these things take a life of their own, and that is how it should be. I do not wish to be controlling. Those who wish to draw in actual chalk and those who wish to draw in virtual chalk are all equally thanked by me.

That is all.

PREPARE FOR COULTON VS. FLOATING SQUID

IT SHALL HAPPEN tomorrow.

TRIPLE ACTION

Greetings internet readers...

For those of you who have spoken renewed desire to play Burger Time and Triple Action, I can direct you to Intellivision Lives, an upstart group of former Intellivision programmers bent on keeping their strange legacy alive. They were the kind source of the original Plimpton image that inspired this one.

Meanwhile, thank you for reading the internet.

That is all.

MINATURE JAPANESE GARDEN? OR GIGANTIC SURFACE OF THE MOON?

It's Time
Originally uploaded by Bill_D.

AS OFTEN, miniature and gigantic seem to be the only options.

AND HERE IS THE REFERENT

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

It still astonishes me that my publisher went along with this scheme.

That is all.

THIS IS THE REFERENCE

George Plimpton Digs Intellivision
Originally uploaded by scrubbles.

FOR JESSE, and those else who may not initially grasp it, this is the reference I was trying to make.

I TRUST IT IS CLEAR that my intent is homage, for with Plimpton, there is no comparison. I had the distinctly surreal pleasure of being edited by him once over the phone. There are few editors as gracious and astute as he was.

PLUS, he could boogie.

MORE HERE, including the now inevtiable COULTON SONG.

That is all.

BOING

I had been planning to link to this on Monday, but Mark beat me to it. It's only appropriate, as he got the whole thing started, after all. But, still: I will crush him.

To see the whole big thing, go here. Thank you, Xadrian.

That is all.

CITIZENS OF NEW YORK

I thank you. It was a wonderful debut of both the paperback and audiobook editions. Coulton and I were rusty, but your patience and mercy, plus the brandy, helped.

That is all.

GLAZED BEAVER PLAQUES

On Thursday evening, Sept 7th, at 7PM...

COULTON and I will be presenting material from what we commonly refer to as "THE PAPERBACK EDITION."

This will be the first official presentation of this new, much more flexible edition of my book, and it shall occur at the Barnes and Noble in Astor Place. If you want to know what it looks like, go here.

(Pictured, one of the several beavers depicted on the walls of the Astor Place IRT station, so named for John Jacob Astor, renowned furrier and beaver-killer of NYC's ancient past).

If you hate glazed beaver plaques or are too good to ride the subway, perhaps you might walk or take a pedicab? But by all means: PLEASE STOP BY AND SAY HELLO.

But if you are nowhere near Manhattan and wish to buy the book, one way would be to visit NPR, where your purchase somehow aids the hopeless cause of radio. You know how I feel about hopeless causes.

(Scroll down to "PURCHASE FEATURED BOOKS" and then do exactly what it tells you to do)

Or else wait, and perhaps we shall meet ON THE AMERICAN ROAD.

That is all.

(Photo credit: Rich Panse)

THE BITTER GLARE OF THE EVER-UNCARING TRIPLE SUNS

Pertaining to this query from long ago, I am now able to reveal the startling alternate cover to the paperback edition of my book, courtesy the skilled BENJAMIN GIBSON.

It is not only beautiful and dragony, but also it serves as a security measure. If you do not find this image on the inside cover, then you are not reading an AUTHENTIC PAPERBACK EDITION of THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE.

Other sure-fire signs that you may be reading an ILLEGALLY PIRATED copy of the PAPERBACK EDITION.

-it does not contain 100 more hobo names.
-the words seem to be in the proper order and all make sense.
-it does not contain any words at all, just pictures of fighting karate men.
-it is printed on CDs instead of paper.
-it was sold to you by THIS MAN.

If you suspect you have a BOOTLEG copy, or if your copy is ON FIRE, I ugre you to send it back to the publisher and buy one or more AUTHENTIC EDITIONS.

Unless it is printed on CDs, in which case, keep it. Coasters!

That is all.

WILL THIS BE THE 700th HOBO?

The Hobotones
Originally uploaded by dutchb0y.

The answer is no. This picture was uploaded last week.

But I am informed that e-hobo will reach its full complement of 700 hobo illustrations today, TUESDAY, Sept 5.

It will be provided by "El Sloth," the slow, updside-down-hanging fellow who provided this very first illustration.

Then Apelad, Annje, Jawbone, Xadrian, Boxcar Avenger, Marcus Parcus, Juco, Dark Mark, Halcyon Snow, Dutchboy, Horsemask, the Grey Engima, Dan Coulter, and so many more* will at last be done with their strange marvel of a project. Except for 100 more hoboes, just added.

(*And then, perhaps, they will take up the equally time-consuming, abitrary, and necessary charge of illustrating 700 hobo illustrator nicknames).

Meanwhile, if you wish, you may listen this evening forthe secret messages on the radio(if you are not doing so already. And if you are not doing so already, what is wrong with you?).

And finally, to bury the lead, the very soft, pliable, paperback edition of my book is officially published today.

Please note: it can be rolled up into a stake, but if you use it to stab the undead, you will be in for a bad surprise.

That is all.

THE GHOST OF RADIO KUOW-SEATTLE

Here you see a spectral photograph of the ghost that wanders the halls of KUOW-Seattle.

Known as "Ole Johnny Moe," they say he is a failed thespian known for his booming voice. At the station he is blamed for all sorts of mysterious happenings--signal noise, rapping on microphones, and the hosting of afternoon talk programs. He also has apparently written a book from the beyond. I took this photo on my tour of Seattle's haunted NPR stations, which I highly recommend.

Bookeaters tonight. Some tickets available. Hope to see you there.

That is all.

PLEASE, SEATTLE: NO COINS SHAPED INTO KNIVES

For those of you who enjoy hash beer, salmon jerky, space travel supplies, and the other pleasures of the pacific northwest, may I direct you to some more information regarding the 826 Seattle benefit this Friday evening?:

"Q: Or would you encourage people to wildly throw money on stage?

"A: As long as people are not throwing gigantic coins, like the kind Batman has in his Batcave, that would be fine. Actually, a giant coin would be fine, too. Just don't "throw" coins or money with guns, or shape the coins into knives."

READ ON, IF YOU WISH.

Photo of Equipment at Seattle's Greenwood Space Travel Supply Store courtesy of Ginger Lee, whoever you are. Thank you.

That is all.

#89: Newton Fig

#89: Newton Fig
Originally uploaded by Trophiogrande.

From the e-hobo.com collection, I give you this inspired mash-up of hobo illustration by Trophiogrande, creativelyl repurposing (thieving) the original Sharick photo.

My question: does the illustrator of the hobo in the yellow sign get credit for inadvertently contributing to the 700?

Finally, a fascinating convergence spotted by Xadrian in the comments between your hoboes and a similar caricature project from the original Vanity Fair, which I dub, the 1,000,000 Dandies Project.

That is all.

Who is Ape Lad?

Who is Ape Lad?
Originally uploaded by Ape Lad.

Here is a reasonable explanation of things, courtesy the industrious and extremely talented ape-lad.

Though he and I have not met, the likeness is, uncannily and unfortunately accurate.

The Publishers Weekly story referenced in A-L's comicessay can be found, along with Len Jawbone's own fine hobo-illustration work here: http://jawboneradio.blogspot.com/2006/08/more-of-my-stuff-in-print.html

That is all.

THANK YOU

To quickly say thank you:

to Neil Gaiman, for the unexpected internet link.
to John Roderick, for the information given at last night's 826 event regarding the Bald Eagle infestation of Homer, Alaska
to Kate, for the rum and the coke, also known as a "HODGMAN LIBRE"

That is all.

H IN SUNRAYS

Harvard Hall
Originally uploaded by ct.pope.

CT Pope apparently made it back from Montague to Cambridge safely. Nice work evading the giant river worms!

AMERICAN CITIES I HAVE ALWAYS WISHED TO SEE

As discussed previously, Jonathan Coulton will soon be accompanying me on a tour of bookstores to present material from the paperback edition of my book.

Apart from the Neil Gaiman event (which, to be clear, is a NEIL GAIMAN event), we will also be visiting these American cities.

ALL STOPS shall feature COULTON.

ALL STOPS shall be free of charge except where noted.

MOST STOPS will feature discussion via walkie-talkie.

Eventually this information will be placed in a central location and updated as necesssary.

Please check with venues for final times and details before getting dressed and going out; but for now, as of this writing, this information is ACCURATE.




NEW YORK, NY August 23 The Beacon Theater
A Benefit Concert for 826NYC that features many other people.
IT IS SOLD OUT, I think.
For details, see bookeaters.org

SEATTLE, WA September 1 McCaw Hall/Bumbershoot
A Benefit Concert for 826-Seattle that features many other people.
IT IS NOT SOLD OUT
For tickets, see bookeaters.org

NEW YORK, NY September 7 B&N (Astor Place); 7PM
4 Astor Place, NY
212-420-1322
www.bn.com

HARTFORD, CT September 26 Mark Twain House
351 Farmington Ave.
Hartford, CT 06105
860-247-0998
www.marktwainhouse.org

BOSTON, MA September 27 Brookline Booksmith; 7PM
279 Harvard Street
Brookline, MA 02446
617-566-6660
www.brooklinebooksmith.com

CHICAGO, IL October 1 Borders (Lakeview); 2PM
2817 N. Clark Street
Chicago, IL 60657
773-935-3909
www.borders.com

MILWAUKEE, WI October 3 Harry Schwartz (Bayview); 7PM
2262 Kinnicinnick Ave.
Milwaukee, WI 53207
414-481-3401
www.schwartzbooks.com

ANN ARBOR, MI October 4 Borders (Downtown); 7PM
612 East Liberty Street
Ann Arbor, MI
734-668-7652
www.borders.com

PHILADELPHIA, PA October 5 215 Festival @ Free Library; 7PM
1901 Vine Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
215-686-5322
www.library.phila.gov

MINNEAPOLIS, MN October 6 Fitzgerald Theater; 7PM
With Neal Pollack.
THERE WILL BE AN ADMISSION CHARGE: STAND BY

LOS ANGELES, CA October 9 Book Soup; 7PM
8818 Sunset Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90069
310-659-3110
www.booksoup.com

PORTLAND, OR October 10 Powells (W. Burnside); 7:30PM
1005 W. Burnside Street
Portland, OR 97209
503-228-4651
www.powells.com

SEATTLE, WA October 11 Elliott Bay; 6PM
101 S. Main Street
Seattle, WA 98104
206-624-6600
www.elliottbaybook.com

SAN FRANCISCO, CA October 12 Cody’s (Stockton St.); 7PM
2 Stockton Street
San Francisco, CA 94108
415-773-0444
www.codysbooks.com

BALTIMORE, MD October 23 University of Baltimore; time TK

WASHINGTON, DC October 24 Warehouse Theater; 7PM
1017-21 7th Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001
202-783-3933
202-785-1133 (Olsson’s)

RICHMOND, VA October 25 Chop Suey; 7PM
1317 Cary Street
Richmond, VA 23220
804-497-4705
www.chopsueybooks.com


CHAPEL HILL, NC October 26 Bull’s Head; 3:30PM’
UNC Student Stores
CB 1530 Daniels Building
UNC Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, NC 27599
919-962-5060
www.bullshead.unc.edu

DURHAM, NC October 27 Regulator Books; 7PM
720 9th Street
Durham, NC 27705
919-286-2700
www.regbook.com

OXFORD, MS October 28 Square Books; time TK
160 Courthouse Square
Oxford, MS 38655
662-236-2262
www.squarebooks.com

AUSTIN, TX October 30 Book People; 7PM
603 N. Lamar
Austin, TX 78703
512-472-5050
www.bookpeople.com

For now, THAT IS ALL.

PATTON-FLIER

I would like to be able to do this, so I am trying again.

Patton and Weisbach and others, CALIFORNIA, this August 27.

Meanwhile, Apparently Neil Gaiman spilled the bean about Sept 28.

My very first non-video-game-related magazine job was an interview of Neil Gaiman, so I'm very honored to talk with him again.

More details about the tour coming this afternoon.

THAT IS A PROMISE.

That is all.

Jh

THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA

If I have not spoken of this before, I must speak of it now:

Please go to hear Jesse Thorn on the radio and evaluate whether radio- and pod-cast weekly interviews with comedians, writers, musicians, actors, and comedians is for you. I first met Jesse when he interviewed me, and I have enjoyed the show very much ever since. He also helped spread the word about the COULTON event in Montague, and as you will see by the attached flier, he is always involved in interesting things.

If you are in the Bay Area, it is advised that you attend. YOU MUST ATTEND.

That is all.

JONATHAN COULTON HAS A STRANGE SKIN CONDITION.

Thank you all for visiting Montague, MA.

Perhaps some of you have heard about COULTON's skin condition. If no, here is this short video.

SEE YOU TONIGHT

Perhaps, I hope. That is all.

On Notice: H in Sunrays

On Notice
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd.

Courtesy Mr. Bikferd comes this manipulated photo, which is what you find if you page through the dictionary to the definition of "awesome."

(OED, super-microscopic pocket edition, 1932. You won't be able to see it unless you have the companion OED microscope.)

It is amazing and encouraging to see activity on the "H IN SUNRAYS" group.

As you know, this was my own lame attempt at meme-launch before my poor and infrequent efforts were appropriately eclipsed by the still astonishing and diligent 700 Hoboes Project.

(Now with 100 more hoboes, by the way.)

But, with all due respect to Bikferd, this is not ALL YOUR H IN SUNRAYS BELONG TO US. While this image is awesome by definition, the project was originated to collect evidence of actual chalked Hs in actual chalked sunrays in actual places and on actual things. (Including this most memorable one from Bikferd himself).

(Whiteboards, crop circles, skywrtiting, sculptures, carvings-into-mashed-potatoes, and other forms of actual non-computer writing also accepted).

If the issue is that you do not have chalk, I will arrange for special railroad chalk to be delivered to the first five of you who write me at hodgman (at) littlegraybooks.com.

Meanwhile: thank you, Ape Lad, Juco, Neverrockfila, Darwin, and Thanatos Omega, whoever you may be.

YOUR WHOLE WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN

If you are using a firefox tele-reading device, perhaps you are having the same difficulty I am seeing the comments.

For firefoxes then, here is some selected Q&A that may have been hidden from you.

I will post the whole tour tomorrow.

But honestly: if you are in MASSACHUSETTS, wouldn't you drive to see COULTON this Sat nite at 8PM at the Lady Killigrew?

Commence the Q&A

Annje said...

I do hope you and Mr. Coulton will be coming through the Metro Denver area sometime in the near future.

12:27 PM

Hodg-man replied...

Sadly, Denver is not on the schedule this time, though we would like to see the new Tattered Cover (is it as tattered? Is it as freakishly cold?). All I can offer is this old tattered appearance in your city for now.

Chris Radcliff said...

Thank you for your prompt reply, and for promoting my dazed ramblings. Unfortunately, LA will be a bit far to travel on that date, as I'll be in Michigan for a function. Perhaps my luck will improve before your next book is released.

To follow the spirit of this post, I invite any other reader to similarly demand such an event in their own city or locale. The burly public relations machine may not budge from its preappointed track, but we may derive some small satisfaction by making our tiny voices heard.

1:49 PM

Hodg-man replied...

Eventful is a fascinating internet demand tool, and your angry demands are flattering. The tour is very tightly scheduled, as you will see, but I will not stop you from fomenting rebellion against the burly machine.

Dave said...

Might I get in the Canadian line to push for a tour north of the border?

2:04 PM

Hodg-man replied...

You prove yourself a fraud, sir.

Were you truly a Canadian, you would have said "queue" instead of "line" and "programme" instead of "tour" and "inviso-line" instead of "border" and "SOUTH" instead of "NORTH" because your WHOLE WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN.

I have been to Vancouver, and I know it to be true.

Erik said...

Are you by any chance going anywhere near the D.C. or Maryland areas? (If not, don't worry, I wouldn't either. I just live here.)

Hodg-man replied...

YES TO BOTH, so long as Baltimore is still in Maryland on Oct 23, and Washington DC is still our nation's capital on Oct 24.

joebob said...

Sir, please say you will be making a stop in Boston. Oh and to prove I'm a Bostonian... Pahk the cah in Hahvard Yad.

11:32 PM

hodg-man replied...

For the last time, there is no parking in Harvard Yard. But we will be appearing in Brookline on Sept 27.

Dave said...

unlucky to have missed you. but, you're right, i'm not canadian. i'm a torontonian. :)

12:07 AM

hodg-man replied...

Thanks for confessing. Now please stop with all emoticons.

Naomi said...

*sigh
the internet will have to suffice for me... :)

12:35 AM

hodg-man replied:

*sigh

WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT EMOTICONS?

But yes: the internet offers much, far too much of COULTON and HODGMAN. Check out youtube tomorrow.

Matt said...

Any chance you will be stopping by Omaha, NE? I am new to the area, but Omaha's Lied Jungle is the largest indoor rain forest in the world. And, if you have not seen such a sight, I imagine it is a must.

If that doesn't bate your interest, perhaps a session of unicameral legislature will.

1:37 AM

hodg-man replies...

I am very fond of Omaha, and here are the first 50 of 3199 words that you can read for free about my feelings on this subject. Unfortunately, apart from my private gala at Gorat's being thrown for me by Mr. Buffett (you are not invited) the closest we will be coming to Omaha will be St. Paul or Chicago. Start driving now.

That is all.

DEMAND JUST SUCH AN EVENT

This is Jh writing:

I have noticed that some people are making comments, but the main "blog page" hides them behind a blue shroud.

Perhaps you do not have this problem. It may be because I am not using a computer but a telegraph.

Still, here are the missing comments from the post below.

Jh

Chris Radcliff said...

Shortly, meanwhile, I will be making dates available for the AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE (Paperback and Audio Editions) Tour of the US

Any chance you've considered visiting fair and pleasant San Diego? No? Then, sir, I'll go so far as to demand just such an event. I stamp my foot and shake my tiny fist.

7:38 PM

Comment Deleted

This post has been removed by the author.

7:49 PM

Chris Radcliff said...

And if it's a matter of making things for you, I'd be pleased to weave you a pot-holder or compose a brief haiku.

7:50 PM

capnjoy said...

if you visit san francisco i will personally make sure you are greeted by an audience full of gold prospectors and homosexuals.

11:01 PM

hodg-man said...

SF will be on Oct 12.

I regret San Diego is not on the tour schedule, though Coulton and I will be in LA on Oct 9.

Jh

11:35 AM

People Make Things for Coulton

Coulton at Bookmill/Lady Killigrew, Aug 19, 2006, 8PM, Zero Dollars
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

Look at this poster an Ohioan named Tim Fuller made for Jonathan Coulton's appearance this saturday at the Montague (Massachusetts) Bookmill and Lady Killigrew Cafe.

CT Pope has made his travel plans. I hope you will please make yours, or at least contact your friends in Franklin and Hampshire counties and urge them to attend. The concert costs zero dollars, and maybe Coulton will bring one of the two half-monkey/half-pony monsters that have been made to please him.

Shortly, meanwhile, I will be making dates available for the AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE (Paperback and Audio Editions) Tour of the US, during which Coulton will accompany me on guitar while wearing a coonskin cap.

That is all.

Anyone made that piece of art described about the cover?

MIKE TOOLE asks via ELECTRONIC MAIL:

"Anyone made that piece of art described about the cover? With the dragon and the girl and the authors face in the three suns? If, to your (complete world!) knowledge, it hasn't been done I'd like to do it."

For those of you who have any idea what Mike is talking about (see page 8), the answer is "I thank you, Mike, but prepare for a surprise in the paperback edition, courtesy: BENJAMIN GIBSON."

(Early versions of the paperback, of course, will be available for viewing at the COULTON event, listed below).

That is all.

AUG 19: COULTON WILL PLAY GUITAR NEXT TO A LOUD RIVER

Here is some information about a concert.

If you have friends living in the area, or are students at Smith, Amherst, Hampshire, Holyoke, or Williams colleges, or the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, and who may have arrived early for their studies, please let them know that:

JONATHAN COULTON WILL PLAY GUITAR NEXT TO A LOUD RIVER

The Montague Bookmill/Lady Killigrew.
Sat., Aug. 19, 8 PM
FREE

Local author and impresario John Hodgman will soon leave the Pioneer Valley area after a summer of residency and internet-theft at the Lady Killigrew Cafe and the Montague Bookmill of Montague, MA.

But before he goes, he wishes to introduce the western counties to the song stylings of JONATHAN COULTON in a night of SONGS ABOUT ZOMBIES, MATH, AND FEELINGS.

JONATHAN COULTON, in addition to his masthead position of "Contributing Troubadour" at Popular Science magazine (absolutely true), is featured prominently on the audio edition of Hodgman's bestselling book THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, and his many many songs (A NEW ONE EVERY WEEK!), including "Mandlebrot Set", "Re: Your Brains", and "Baby Got Back," have been heard on PODCASTS THROUGHOUT THE LAND.

Hodgman will introduce Coulton, and following the show, he will guest-bar tend at the Lady Killigrew while Coutlton will sit at the bar and guest-drink. EVEN IF YOU LOATHE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, COME WATCH THIS STRANGE BIT OF THEATER DEVOLVE TO ITS INEVITABLE, TRAGIC CONCLUSION!

Both will sign books and CDs and discuss TOPICS OF INTEREST.

Three copies each of Hodgman's as-yet-unreleased PAPERBACK and AUDIO EDITION of his book will be given FREE to the first six people to purchase Coulton materials.

For information and important downloads, please visit

jonathancoulton.com

OR

The Lady Killigrew

OR

JUST ATTEND THE PROGRAM OF SONGS!

The Montague Bookmill/Lady Killigrew.
Sat., Aug. 19
(OLD HOME DAYS! Come directly after the fair!)
8 PM
FREE

DIRECTIONS To PRINT and READ while driving.

That is all.

YOUR COMPLETE STORE

YOUR COMPLETE STORE
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

Here is the last of the Sharick photos, for your records.

Thank you Michael Sharick, whoever you are.

That is all.

WINE HUTCH

WINE HUTCH
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

I see some of you have already found this photo, but here it is for the rest of you. A continuation of yesterday's Sharick contribution.

That is all.

OILED HAM

OILED HAM
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

Michael Sharick DOES NOT have a blog.

Thus, I am asked to share this photo with you.

As usual, do not let the "hobo" distract you from the important stuff:

1. oiled ham, obviously.
2. soup-chili
3. gainful employment
4: Jackpot: ZERO

Stay tuned for another tomorrow, plus important information about August 19 and Montague, Massachusetts.

That is all.

GLENN IS THE WINNER

ATTENTION GLENN:

If your name is selected in our forthcoming random drawing of thousands and thousands of entrants, then it is very possible, pending a review by our prize committee, that you will receive a blog post just like this one saying...

GLENN IS THE WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To qualify, all you need to do is provide us with you very best local postal address.

Then, and only then, will we write your initials on a ping pong ball and drop it into our ENORMOUS OIL DRUM full of ping pong balls. Then, and only then, will we possible agitate the drum and retrieve a single ping pong ball. If that ball has your initials on it, and if we have no other entrants with your initials, and if we do not lose the whole drum and all the ping pong balls by accident in our gigantic warehouse full of oil drums, then it is possibly very likely that you will receive a blog posting just like this one saying

YOU HAVE WON THE PRIZE!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe.


Please note: This competition is not regulated by any entity and it is not fair. Void in states.

Can You Spot the Differences?

If you can spot the five minor differences between this performance by me and Coulton and this one, I will arrange to be sent to you a copy of the forthcoming 900 CD audition edition of my book, also called THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE.

HINT: In one of these recordings, the temperature outside was six below zero! Fahrenheit!

Only four more minor differences to go!

CHECK OUT MY WEBSITE

Here is a new post in order so that commenters can all have a fresh start.

The only rule down there is: be nice. So far, so good.

But if ads start to overwhelm actual comments, I'll try to take some action that people will find acceptable.

Meanwhile: CHECK OUT MY WEBSITE.

350 of 700 Hoboes

Just the other day, Apelad alerted me that the many illustrators who have undertaken to draw 700 hoboes had reached the midway point: hobo 350.

Now Len, of the very fineJawbone Radio , alerts me further that this matter has drawn the attention of boingboing, where, of course this mad cartoonists-draw-hobo scheme all began. (Thank you again, Mark Frauenfelder).

All of this is all the more moving, as I had nothing to do with it, except to remain amazed and flattered.

Please follow the links for all the details, as well as some important developments in hobo name theory.

That is all.

Pertaining to the Little Gray Book Lectures and Their Associated Podcasts.

This question came to me via the internet. It will make sense only to N. Pomeroy, and perhaps a few others, but I believe it's important to put out there for the record, as I am a Ken Smith fan, wherever his travels may have taken him.

N. Pomeroy asked via electronic mail:

"I enjoy your podcast. I found something interesting, and would like to know if you can help me clear something up.

"I listened to Lt.Gr.Bk. 2005-06-15, and while googling for more information about Nick Pahys Jr., I found a write-up of his museum on roadsideamerica.com.. The reading done in the podcast was almost verbatim what was on the webpage. My questions are: did I miss roadsideamerica.com's attribution of your reader's work? or did I miss the attribution in the audio file? or neither? is your reader and the roadsideamerica author the same? who's taking from whom without attribution? who wrote the piece? Thanks for your time, just curious,
"n. pomeroy"

Jh responds:

The speaker at the Little Gray Book Lectures and the author of the roadsideamerica.com article are one and the same, the great, if somewhat plainly named "KEN SMITH."

I asked Ken to read the piece on stage after I read it on the internet. It was only then that I realized he is also the author of "Raw Deal," which features some of the best information available on the beautifully deranged inventor, among other fine books about things.

Meanwhile, the gentleman playing Nick Pahys, Jr. is David Guion, perhaps America's chief documentor of the musical genre known as SPY ROCK.

Those of you who do not know what I am talking about may visit the aforementioned podcasts, though I suspect you will find more questions there than answers.

But be assured: those questions will be answered soon.

That is all.

Uncle John

I neglected previously to provide a link to the Bathroom Reader's Institute, proprietors of the essential Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.

I have corrected the error.

That is all.

I am Christian Finnegan's Friend

The statement that I am Christian Finnegan's friend is accurate.

We used to work together at the literary agency. One day he told me: "I will be a star of comedy."

I considered him to be a pitiable deluded person. He was on the fast-track to assistant literary agenting!

If he wanted, he could literally make THOUSANDS of dollars a year, plus enjoy access to all the steno pads and Star Trek anthologies and Uncle John's Bathroom Readers he could want (the agency was the first place I encountered this important resource).

But he could not be swayed. He chose his own path, and where did it lead him? Mere success.

I think the lesson of this story is obvious.

That is all.

Pod People: Another Age Old Question

IN A PREVIOUS COMMENTS THREAD,

bec_87rb asked...

"Oh. What about the age old question, 'How do I check my spouse to see if he/she has been replaced by an alien pod creature?' I mean, I know what the movies tell us about this, but if Mr. Hodgman has the actual real-life answers, we need those urgently. Also, has he personally tested this technique on Mrs. Hodgman?
"Thanks,
"Looking Under the Bed for Pods"
(4:37 PM)

WHAT DOES JOHN HODGMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS...

As you know, the invasion is on and there's no point denying it. If someone at work has been acting strangely lately (ie, keeping conversations brief and polite; avoiding eye contact; asking you to 'please go away'), chances are he/she has already been replaced by a pod person, and you should watch them carefully, and angrily, whenever they cannot see you.

But if it's a loved one, the situation can be more complex. Many do not wish to admit that their spouse is a pod person. That is why I recommend creating a pre-nuptial questionnaire--a list of very personal questions that only your true spouse knows the answer to. You can imagine the sort:

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Where do you keep your toothbrush?
Why do you keep it there and not put it in the safe like I suggested?
Don't you think our personal items should be protected by a fireproof safe?

That sort of thing.

I'd recommend that the questionnaire include about 1,000 of these questions. Then simply go through the questions each morning and, for added security, over cocktails at night as well. Make a game of it.

Of course, if your spouse was already a pod person when you got married, you are out of luck. Enjoy your new lifestyle of subservience to alien whims and unsecure toothbrushes.

Also, the pod people disintegrate when doused with kerosene or grain alcohol. Try it!*

That is all.

JH

*No. Do not douse anyone with kerosene or grain alcohol.

HOBO ART SHOW

daddyhobo
Originally uploaded by hodg-man.

Herewith an important document pertaining to hobo-related art--another happy remote connection made via this effort, which I had nothing to do with and, which, therefore, is all the more amazing to me.

Writes, Sally Brock, of the gallery:

"I found this artist from the 700 hoboes show based on your recording- (via boingboing.net) contacted her and gave her a show:

On display through July at Fancy + Pants
Rachel Schafer
of San Francisco

Her newest series of paintings feature hobos and their sad little daughters [sad b/c daddy is a hobo] caught up in various tear-jerking scenarios -like gaining weight, sitting by the phone, looking forlornly at be-daddied pairs at the amusement park, etc. Inspired by the John Hodgman recording of 700 Hobo Names

Opening reception Saturday July 8, 7-9 p.m. Hobo style refreshments will be served"

Apparently, you can also buy underpants at this very gallery, or near it.

Some quick answers from the comments section

Randal Cooper said...

Will you also be answering age-old questions (five is an age, I think) about the death of the courtroom thriller?

Jh: Yes. I will be answering age-old questions. The first one I answer is below.



4:54 PM
Shrubs said...
Dear Mr. Hodgman,

I have recently decided that I may or may not take into consideration the possible career choice of unemployment. During this career, I may also choose to become homeless. During that time, I will host sock puppet shows, and take tips from people who pass by, so I can afford larger paper bags and socks for my shows.

I have everything planned out, but I do need one thing... A stage name.

Do you have any suggestions?

Jh: If you are trying to get me to say that my next book will contain 700 Homeless Sock Puppeteer Names, then you are foiled again, "Shrubs." I will never say it, because it is not true. My next book will feature 700 Mole Man Names.


5:51 PM
Annje said...

I'd like to know the answer to the age old question "If love is blind, deaf, mute, insane, stupid, and lame. What does it look like?" I'd like to know so I can turn and run the other way.
6:29 PM

Jh: At last, an age-old question. If you have ever seen the movie "Audition" by Takashi Miike, then you will know what I mean when I say that love is rolling around grunting in burlap sack in your apartment. And actually, it turns out I can't go out tonight after all.

If you have not seen the movie "Audition," don't now go out and watch it and then blame me after. It is a good movie, but it is no "Sound of Music." Let's just say that the grunting burlap sack quotient is very very high.

The Snap Beans Aren't Salty

When I agreed to let McSwys drag out the dusty old internet afterimages of my advice column ASK A FORMER PROFESSIONAL LITERARY AGENT from their forgiving archives, I was of course flattered and very happy.

It did not occur to me that of course it might naturally spark a round of new questions that you will want the answered.

And so I promise, Jason S. Blumberg (and a few others), I WILL answer your questions, but only as I have always done: slowly, inaccurately, and slowly.

Check back here in the future for answers (or links to same) or only to test your patience.

That is all.

The Often Mediocre Work of Ken Plume

I normally don't repeat a press release verbatim, but I have Ken Plume on the phone, and this is what he has to say about his new internet venture:

"The regrettable and rather lackluster internet efforts of Ken Plume may now be found once more at QUICKSTOP ENTERTAINMENT. You may recall the often mediocre work of Mr. Plume from such ventures as IGN.com and his important contributions to the historiography of the Muppets, and he will also be appearing as Henchman #20 in the forthcoming season of THE VENTURE BROTHERS, premiering this Sunday. He is told he sounds like Jeff Goldblum." END COPY.

You should check out Plume's interviews with Terry Gilliam and other Americans who like or look like Muppets at this website, and supposedly he will finally air via podcast a conversation he had with the author of my book finally, finally.

That is all.

The Sound of Young America

Jesse Thorn, one of the finest interviewers I have heard on radio and to my ears the best new voice on public radio, had an amazing talk with my label-mate George Saunders on his radio program THE SOUND OF YOUNG AMERICA on 6-10-06. Luckily, I am always up to date on my postings. Go here for to hear an excerpt from the interview, and by all means subscribe to the show.

And to answer Jesse's blog call for a capellists, COULTON was not only an a capellist but a goddamned Whiffenpoof.

In other embarrassingly late news, Mr. Adam Mazmanian has been successfully photographed.

That is all.

"It is a short and not altogether unpleasant walk from the Chinatown"

Hello.

I was reminded recently that I failed to mention Mazmanian's new reading series in our nation's capital.

I shall not make the error again.

Not only is Mazmanian a tall friend with good taste, but this well-received event is being held at the Warehouse Theater, where Mazmanian, David Rees, and Jonathan Coulton performed two of our most memorable reading/guitaring/overhead projecting programs of our lives, in no small part because the audience brought whiskey.

In the words of Mazmanian: "First I'm going to hang; then I'm going to chill." I urge you to do the same.

QUOTED TEXT FOLLOWS:

Mr. F.W. Thomas is allowing us one more thrilling evening of readings, artistic display and song before leaving for his summer vacations in parts unknown. The pleasure of your company is kindly requested at this, the last edition of the F.W. Thomas Performances until Sept. 18. Please come and soak in elevating proceedings as if it were your last night on earth, because in many ways, it will be.

Our event will again occur at the Warehouse Theater on Monday June 12 at 7:30PM. Admission is $3. The Warehouse Theater is located at 1017-1021 7th Street NW. It is a short and not altogether unpleasant walk from the Chinatown/Gallery Place Metro. Phone is 202 783 3933.

The June 12 event will feature:

• Andrew Beaujon, managing editor of the Washington City Paper and a former senior contributing writer for Spin will read from his new book, "Body Piercing Saved My Life."

• T.M. Lowery, cartoonist, artist and creator of the Skeleton Kids will present more hilarious items from his illustrated personal journal and offer advice to the spiritually flummoxed, lost and lovelorn.

• Adam Mazmanian, host of the FW Thomas Affairs, reading the short story, “The Boomer Problem.”

• Josh McIlvain, a singer, author and songwriter living in New York City, where he performs his own compositions under the mysterious and alluring name of Sex Cop.

•Matthew Summers-Sparks humorist and short story writer whose work has been published in The New York Times, Mississippi Review, and McSweeney’s, reading stories.

The F.W. Thomas Performances will be hosted and introduced by yours truly, Adam Mazmanian, a writer living in D.C., a contributor to the Washington City Paper, and the un-credited inventor of the “rule of three.”

The series is named for F.W. Thomas (1811-1866), the attorney, novelist, satirist, polemicist, poet, journalist, government employee and a dear personal friend of Edgar Allan Poe.

For more information on Mr. Thomas please visit: this website

For more information on the Warehouse Theater, please visit: this other website

QUOTED TEXT ENDS

That is all

Thank you, and please note

I'm grateful, very grateful, for the nice comments in the "comments" area below.

But Rob Kemp, who rocks (see below), pointed out to me that the previous post may have seemed like an angry cry for help.

Allow me to clarify. I was merely trying to make a joke at my own expense and stabilize karma levels by linking to the least flattering blog mentions of me that I could find.

While it's a very kind impulse, you should not feel the need to defend me or otherwise combat unflattery. I am prepared for and encourage unflattery.

Instead, consider this:

I QUOTE:

Howdy folks.

Just a reminder that this coming Tuesday, May 16, the Original Punk/Metal Karaoke band will be playing its first show since February at Lit Lounge, 93 Second Ave, between 5th and 6th streets in Manhattan, at 9:45pm. The cover is $5.

But beforehand, the band is playing a private party this Thursday May 11 at the Slipper Room, 167 Orchard (on the corner of Orchard and Stanton). The general public is invited: the cover is $20.

We will have 6 new songs to add to our repertoire:

Dio, "Holy Diver"
Joy Division, "Transmission"
Ozzy Osbourne, "Flying High Again"
Velvet Underground, "White Light/White Heat"
Weezer, "Buddy Holly"
Winger, "Seventeen"

Additionally, in partnership with Addvice Marketing, we will give certain CDs from newer punky and metal-esque bands to particularly good (or merely memorable) singers. The BellRays Have a Little Faith will go to a lad or lassie doing an exceptional rendition of an MC5 or Stooges tune, and Wolfmother's self-titled debut will be awarded for an exemplary performance of a Sabbath or Deep Purple song. And an Envelopes album will be going to the best performance of a Buzzcocks or VU tune.

Thanks a lot. We hope to see you there.

The Punk Rock/Heavy Metal Karaoke band


END QUOTE

That is all.

A Reply to Gawker

As posted on their comments board:

"I'm pretty astonished that it took Gawker, a site I normally admire, quite this long to report this non-news.

As you can see, many blogs reported on my weight and out-selling long before May 9. From now on, I will be checking these fine sites for all the Hodgman anti-news as it breaks:

here

and

here

At least you will never be as slow as this site:

see here

Meanwhile, I remain, affectionately:

Jh

That is all.

I AM CORRECTED

Thanks to the internets marvelous "self-correcting" feature, I realize now that I meant to write:

www.mopitkins.com and not MOTpitkins.com, which is meaningless.

I hope some of you made it to the Coulton show in any case, because I, alas, was home in bed suffering from angry throat-ache, and I would desire to hear reports of the night... "set lists," "banter," "surprise guests," etc.

Also, I would be willing to purchase a BOOTLEG RECORDING of the evening as well.

I would also be willing to purchase a BOOTLEG RECORDING of the chopped liver.

....

Meanwhile, yes: I am in the television ad that you are seeing. It was a lot of fun to do, though it was very hard shooting on the polar ice caps.

That is all.

Only COULTON can wake me from my month long slumber

I wanted to let you Coulton fans know that Coulton is offering a VERY SPECIAL concert of songs themed to the first of May (and other themes) on May 1, this Monday, at 7PM, at "Mo Pitkin's" THE place to go for bawdy calendar-based songs and also: chopped liver.

34 Avenue A, upstairs, and FREE.

He has many many more songs than you've heard before, as he has been writing one per week for the past 1000 years--part of his incredible "Thing A Week" podcast via his website, called, not surprisingly jonathancoulton.com